So I’m just gonna jump straight in to it. When I was 7 I was molested by a family member who was a child but older than me. I have dealt with this on and off but I’m fine now, but now I’ve been struggling with something else for the past year. When I was dealing with what happened to me when I was 7 I was confused on why it happened to me and I talked to my mom about it and she said usually kids do exhibit behavior like this to other kids she when they’ve have been shown it. And I was okay for that moment but I couldn’t help to ask the question “What if I have done anything thing like that or shown anybody something like that”. I quickly dismissed this thought because I knew it wasn’t true but then a second question popped up which was “How would I feel”. I dismissed this thought again but the question kept popping up, “What if”. I worried myself sick about this to the point where I thought I did it to my sister at the age of 4. I then started to imagine it. I re-imagined it some many times to see if I can look at it and know this never happened. After being consumed by the guilt I then asked my sister who at the time was 6 if I had ever done anything like that to her if anything like that has happened to her she responded “no”. I asked her a second time and it was still no. After that I doubted her answer (like I doubted all the proof that led to me not doing this) and I thought she lied to me or thought she had a repressed the memory. After all of this I admit to parents that I did it, I admitted to it because I thought if I had anxiety about it then it must be true or if I can visualize it and it looks real then it must be true. When i did admit to it I was numb for weeks until I came to the conclusion that I didn’t do it because I knew how it formed in my head and I knew if I did do it my sister would’ve said something. But now those feelings are returning and I’ll ask for signs from God and I’ll read my horoscope and sometimes I’ll get stuff that reminds me of this and I can’t help but to think it’s a sign from God. Because of this I grew distant from sister I question every thing she does such as drawing pictures of a princess and a prince kissing. I panic and say “Where did you get that from” or “why are you drawing that” and she would say she got it from a Disney movie. I just need help and reassurance so I can feel happy and move on with my life. Any feedback will help.
A thought : So I’m just gonna jump straight in... - OCD Support
OCD Support
A thought
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That is the thing that OCD does. It takes a question like 'just supposing what if' and turns it into 'it must have happened'. Don't believe it or let it dictate to you.
It is pretty clear that you did not molest or abuse your sister. It is just OCD trying to turn a thought into fact. It is not fact. But that's something you know already.
It's best if you can stop ruminating over this. The more you go over it in your mind, the more you question it, the more you doubt.
It's such a pity that OCD is getting in the way of a healthy relationship with your sister. Try not to question everything she does. She is no doubt telling the truth: she got it from a Disney movie! The more you try to avoid her the more you're going to question your relationship with her.
Thank you so mush truly, I appreciate it. It affects my focus in school and it’s a lot. I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD it’s just something that develop when I had a big move from one city to the next. I’ll work on it though again thank you, and have a blessed beautiful day.
I feel like I’m bad person if I do let it go and stop going over it, i feel guilt. I feel I’m not deserving of peace of mind and happiness.
Please don't think that you're a bad person to let it go. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. Imagining that you might possible have done something you didn't actually do is not the same as actually having do it. Of course you are deserving of happiness.
Hi Kid13, I can relate a LOT to your story. I was also molested and I also had a lot of questioning and piety over what I had or had not done myself in the past (which was nothing, I just couldn't help thinking about it). OCD is really just that - unwanted thoughts, dominating brain space and causing painful feelings. I had guilt about everything and nothing and taught reassurance. So much of your story resonates. I used to ask for signs from God a lot. Or flip to pages from a book saying: "whatever the first sentence is - that is what I am" or "that is what will happen" or whatever. I still do sometimes, but now I let it go afterwards. So much of what you say resonates. OCD is the 'doubting disease' for a reason. It causes you to question and analyse everything. You are not alone and you are also NOT your OCD. I agree with Sallyskins. Unplug from the sister obsession if you can. She sounds pretty OK. Let it go.
The guilt is horrible, but it is a trap. There is no relief. Questions do not work. Seeking reassurance from others is only a brief relief. You're not a bad person, because you are responding to thoughts, not to realities. You didn't do anything. The thoughts are like symptoms of an illness - like a rash. Don't scratch. Leave them be. Let the thoughts go their way. xx
Saught, not caught. Sorry my laptop has a built in spell check that changes whole words - like guilt which it changed to 'piety'! Annoying laptop.
I said she sounds pretty OK because she is telling you "no" clearly. Nothing happened.
The crazy thing about this, the year I went through this depressing state a year before that I remember crying to my mom about my molestation because I had repressed it and it would only pop in my mind annually. And When I thought about If I had done something like this to my sister I thought it had to be when she was 4 which was the year I was crying about what happened to me. And when I think back to that year I don’t remember anything like that happening honestly. And if anything like that did happened why would I just be crying about what happened me instead of what I did. I would’ve felt incredibly guilty. I think the problem is I’ve began to treat this thought like a memory and I’ve been trying to insert in to certain memories of my life to see how I would react and it’s so scary. It honestly sucks. I just want to live a normal carefree high school life.
Yes it's horrible. Absolutely horrible. I can relate so much to what you say. I have wiped out a lot of the time around what happened to me, but used to get things popping into my head. You are very insightful.
Can your mum refer you to anyone for CBT or just to talk? I pushed all my memories down and I think internalised them and it caused problems for me later...you seem very intelligent and brave to me. Trying to turn thoughts into memories is definitely an OCD thing I reckon...I recognise that. I also wonder whether our brains are trying to desensitise us from the horrors when they give us weird flashbacks. There's a lot of anxiety and guilt around molestation and I also wonder whether you are projecting some feelings of guilt towards the idea of hurting your sister even though you didn't. Either way, you are brave to confront I this. Our brains do complex things when they have experienced trauma. They are trying to protect and help us, but it is not all helpful. I believe you would benefit from a professional being there to support you. Meanwhile we are all here! You are not alone.
Hi, Me again.
How can I get rid of the image out of my head without feeling like an evil person. I have so many different interpretations of this event in my head that’s I go back and forth with “It did happen” or “It didn’t happen” Its confusing and repetitive at this point. I just want to stop imagining and get back to the old me. I’m tired of asking my 7 yr old sister what she remembers at the age of 4, before we moved to another city. In honesty she seems to remember quite well but then at the same time I’m thinking maybe she doesn’t remember or maybe she repressed the memory. I know that I made this up in my head to start with but it looks so realistic in my head. I find myself going over it repeatedly. Could something you made up in your head be real or a memory. I’m not diagnosed with OCD but I need to find people to relate to on this. Help! I feel like I’m lying to myself and I doubt it a lot. I hate staying positive about I only think of the negative.
I genuinely believe that you need to go and see someone professional to support you with all of this. A lot of us on here have done that...I have and it an help to unpick everything. You're right to think it sounds like OCD because there can be very clear images in your head and also thoughts, sometimes even conversations that actually didn't really happen and then feel unmanageable. The thing is you have experienced a really significant trauma as well and this has an effect on your body and mind in many ways. You are right when you say you can't 'get the image out of your head'. It sounds counter intuitive, but stop trying to. The more you TRY the harder it will become. Allow it. Observe it. Label it as OCD. You will survive the thoughts and then go and do something different. BUT it's really hard to manage alone. Have you had any help? Can you get some help? I really feel for you trying to cope with all this.
This post below is cut and pasted from another thread by a user called Angelite 4 years ago. I think they describe it SO well and have included it as I think it may help for you to read it. They were responding to another post about intrusive thoughts, which come into the head involuntarily:
"Hi there,
Having done some reading on OCD after knowing someone who suffers with this, this sounds like the intrusive thought pattern. Random, innapropriate sexual thoughts, thoughts of violence or concern that someone is in danger etc can all happen, causing anxiety, revulsion, guilt and panic . I think it is important to remember that everyone in the world has random odd thoughts like these at times - it is all part of normal brain function and no special importance should be attached to these. They are not the product of a voluntary thought process or desire - merely an oddity that the brain pops up from time to time.
So there is no reason for shame . There is a world of difference between having a thought and actually carrying out a voluntary act. Please reassure her that all people get such random involuntary thoughts sometimes , not to view them as something that you have done wrong and that they will never actually happen . The more importance she attaches to these thoughts, the more she is likely to have them. Like wise, the more she avoids social interaction to try and prevent triggering the thoughts and unpleasant guilt she associates with them , the more she will be training her brain that avoidance is safe and interaction is dangerous , feeding the cycle. Train the brain to accept them for what they really are - a normal brain process , random , common , insignificant and harmless . Anti depressants can take a while to work, sometimes different types need to be tried to find the most effective. Therapy , as already suggested, may also be useful. x"
Hey thank u and I appreciate it. I havent seen help about this. I will probably see help about this when I become an adult. My mom dad and grandma are the only people I talk to about this. They help but it’s mostly me causing the problem.
I know it is a lot to think about at such a young age. It is good that your family are supporting you, BUT it is not the same as getting help from a professional. I wish I had seen someone when I was a teenager because I think it may have meant getting some of the OCD type thinking better managed before I became an adult. I wonder whether it can even stop it escalating and be able to nip it in the bud? I don't know, but I still think it would be worth getting the professional help when you are feeling bad, rather than waiting until you are an adult.
Family are great - but they may not fully understand what you are a dealing with. A professional should be completely non-judgemental and able to offer you strategies for actually managing the stuff you are dealing with. But I get it is not what most young people want to be doing with their time, however you are mature and intelligent enough to have found this website and are distressed enough as it is.
I hope you are having a good weekend. Please be kind to yourself.
You know if I’m being honest with myself I don’t want to get professional help. I appreciate your support and your encouragement for me to get it but I want to try helping myself before asking for help. I know how this formed in my head, I know where it’s stems from, I know how I convinced myself it was real, I know that I doubted it never happening and I know why I scares me so much. The only thing I don’t know is, is how the hell do I get rid of it and put it to bed and put it behind me. When I imagine the event it’s like being stabbed in the stomach or l begin to lose the air in my lungs or I feel dizzy. The other times when I do I brush it off or think nothing of it b/c I would know this isn’t real and I’d continue with my day. I just think it’s fear. I wish my mom would’ve never said “Usually kids practice or show what has been done to them to other kids.” I was in the tail end of feeling better and then she said that and I’ve never been the same. Sometimes I think what would be the outcome if she would’ve never said that to me. But back to the therapy I don’t want it at the moment right now I just want tips or exercises to help me though it.
Completely fair enough, you have to do what’s right and what you feel ready for. I got a good book called the OCD workbook and that has some good sheets in it that I have used.
Other things I do are to recognise the thoughts when they come in and try to keep calm and not suppress them (like u said it’s like whackamole!) and relabel them as OCD. I got that from a book called brain lock I think! It helps. And avoiding coffee!!!
This forum has helped me a lot too!
Take care.
Ps I also know what you mean about people saying something that’s triggering when you want reassurance. It does at always work talking to people that don’t have OCD symptoms and don’t understand the effects.
Anyway, good to have you on the forum.
So u don’t believe this is real? That this all made up in head? I rlly do appreciate this honestly. I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. It makes want to uplift myself more than bring down. Let me be the first to say If nobody hasn’t your Angel sent from the heavens. I thank u for every word you say down and type just to help me, a stranger. Again thank you. U have a blessed life along with those around u❤️🙏🏾😁
I don't think it is real, no. I think the act that you are seeking reassurance about that from someone is also typically OCD, I hope you don't mind me saying that. Thanks for your kind words. I'm just another person with similar issues. I hope you've had a good week. 
Not in any way do I mind you saying that because it’s the truth and I meant every word
What if my sister doesn’t remember though what if it was so traumatic that she found a way to suppress it? What if one day my sister comes to me saying I did do it. What if I’m a really bad person.
‘ What if’ is OCDs favourite question! It really is! It will push you to seek reassurance that it was not real and every tine will be feeding the OCD machine and it will be Never enough and then keep coming back. The what if will just build up. Do you recognise that pattern? That is the OCD pattern that we all need to break.
I’m sorry that I keep on bothering you with this and yes I do notice the pattern, but how do I establish and l recognize this as something I made up in my head because every time I imagine this to see if I can recognize this isn’t real, I just get scared and I begin to feel with anxiety because it looks so realistic and possible in my head.
I get this too with my own thing. However the real defining difference I suppose is that...you're not sure!! And that you keep going back and back and back to it. Nobody else is buying into it either.
I think it I figured out the pattern now. Now that I think about this more I remember me making up another before the one about my sister but this one was about my dad. It was about my dad raping me. My dad is a good great man and I couldn’t ask for a better father but I couldn’t help but to think it. All because my period had came late and I’ve never had sex. I worried myself sick about this as well and I made shit up in my head which was very realistic. I talked got my mom about it and she told me “you need to stop” and I did and it was easy to let go. I also I have dreams or as they are called “wet dreams” which are common amongst teens. I think my imagination of wet dreams are collaborating with sick thoughts in my head and I don’t like it.
You are very good at analysing things and examining them. It’ll probably annoy you if I say this but the bit you may need the professional support is stopping the repetitions of theses patterns. Hopefully not though! :-))))
Hi Ik I haven’t been here in while but I’ve been doing great tbh. It’s just one thing. I’m beginning to question why I’ve never been so close to my sister, why I’m afraid to become close to her and why do I feel uncomfortable when I we come close together or when she wants to play or when she looks at or stares at me with a smile. I want be close to my sister but I’m scared so I push her away. Any thoughts?
Are you in your teens? I am writing anecdotally (I work with children and young people, 25 and under) but during times of sexual development I have observed that relationships can change and become more awkward. There can be a phase of 'awareness' of our own sexuality and it may cause a kind of uncomfortableness with intimacy, sometimes with siblings and parents. I think that it is normal. The OCD part of your brain may want to take hold of that and obsess about it and turn it into something significant. That's what our weird little OCD gremlins do! So, just let it go. Try to be kind in your distancing from your sister, but I also observed the same thing with my two kids at a certain stage. There is 8 years between them and my son got pretty awkward around his sister for a bit. She was a little offended, but it changed over time. Glad to hear you've been doing well! So have I.
Yes I am in my teens and me and my sister are 8 yrs apart as well. This is great information thanks a lot for this.
Ah I know what this is like all too well, you’re spiralling, and OCD spiralling is the most nauseating form of torture. I feel for you.
I don’t know if this will help, but here are a few things that I’ve learnt .
1. People with OCD are literally the least likely to do something. The more you worry about doing something, the more likely it is that you’re actually really repelled or repulsed by that thing. Think about it, name two of the most morally unacceptable things in our culture : I would argue, paedophilia, and incest. No wonder your OCD is clinging on to this. It wants you to be in a place of fear and unease. Unfortunately our mind actually works against us sometimes. For instance, my OCD revolves around (potential trigger) thoughts of religion and losing control of my autonomy, why? Because I was abused as a child, I had no power, I felt like I was being punished, and so my thoughts heavily revolves around having that same thing happen.
2. But... What if? What if I’m the exception? What if I really am ? What if I really did? What if........
Well. Sometimes you have to sit with that. I know, that’s horrible. It’s not what you want to hear. You want a definite. You want to know for sure, but you can’t. What you can say is: looking at the evidence, looking at everything, what’s the likelihood of this being true? Is it more likely that it’s true than not true ? Give a percentage. Are you 99% sure ? Can you live with that? Are you happy to accept that?
3. There’s no one size fits all answer to how people react to child abuse, however, your sister drawing pictures of princes and princesses seems totally normal, age appropriate and not exactly screaming “traumatised” child to me.
Give yourself a break
You’re working yourself harder at proving things than lawyers do before sending someone to jail for life
Life has no definites, no absolutes, but there are things that simply aren’t enough of a threat or worry to even reasonably think about. I might get bit by a snake one day. The likelihood of that happening ? Pretty much zilch. I don’t own any, and I live in the UK, I don’t generally travel to places that have snakes. But I guess the possibility is always there. Am I worrying about that right now? No, because life is difficult enough without worrying about the what if/ maybes.
I wish I could give you the answers you need, but you have to learn to cope the best you can. Some mindfulness and meditative breathing can also help when you’re agitated / spiralling / feel like you’re losing control.
Be well x
Just to be clear. My sister is 7 do you think she would remember something like that 3 yrs before because when I made this up in my head I made of timeline of when it could and most likely didn’t happen. Thought it had to have been the year 2016 when my sister was 4. That’s the year I moved to a different city.
Hi Kid13,
In order for amnesia of an event it would have to be either so trivial or inconsequential that they possess no memory of it (something benign and boring like say, going to the shops) or something so terrible that they cannot remember it for their own psychological survival. In the latter case, a child would need to be experiencing severe, repeated or violent abuse that made them “split” from reality due to feeling like they would not survive otherwise. If this happens, the trauma will not just magically disappear. They will not just forget and move on like nothing has happened, but instead it will present itself in different ways — sudden extreme behavioural problems or age inappropriate activity such as destroying property, self harm, suicide attempts, becoming interested in porn or sex at a very young age, running away from home. I mean the list goes on and on. Look, if your sister was experiencing issues like that then sure, it would be reason to be concerned, but this is not the case . Your sister isn’t in survival mode. She’s just being a normal child. I’m hyper vigilant and acutely aware both from personal experience and pursuing a career in trauma (psychology ) and this rings no alarm bells with me. The type of person that would have the capacity and inclination to do this to a child are absolutely not the same type to worry themselves senseless about whether they have done so or not, they either can’t or won’t care. It takes callousness, rage and a distinct lack of empathy to do this to someone. Even if it has been previously done to them. In every case. No question. I’ve never met you but how you present yourself is a genuinely concerned young person looking for reassurance because you’ve started to experience obsessive and intrusive thought patterns, and become mentally tangled up after experiencing a really unpleasant, difficult and traumatic time in your life. I wonder if you have ever had an opportunity to talk about or explore this with someone other than mum ?
Remember that your body cannot tell the difference between a real fear and an imagined one. It will react primitively (fight, flight or freeze). Just because something feels scary, or that horrible OCD voice is persistently nagging at you to listen to it, doesn’t mean it has anything worthy to say. Sometimes we have to fight against what seems like a gut feeling. It isn’t. It’s anxiety. It’s dread. It’s OCD.
The best thing you can do is try to ignore the voice. Stand up to it. Treat it like you would a bully. Don’t give it your time. It is exceptionally difficult to do this, but you will learn to master your mental health a little better in time. Right now everything is intense and scary, this combined with the hormonal changes you’re going through because of your age is like being stuck in a nightmare. It gets easier. Sleep. Drink water. Eat properly. Try to have fun times with friends or family. Try to only come on this site when you really need to, because you’re probably going to be easily triggered right now by other people’s posts. Saying that, use these forums and helplines or online chats if you need to as a way of venting or heeding advice. Be kind to yourself.
- Joey
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