Today is the first day of the rest of my life

[40yearoldocdvirgin]

I'm 40, mother of a two children that I couldn't be more proud of. My son, 15 years old, hormonal right now, not a child anymore but not yet an adult. Top achiver at school and sports. My 12 year old daughter, an angel. Compassionate, empathetic, beautiful . I live for them.

Myself, I come from an alkoholic father and a mother who is a high achiver but never cared for me. In fact was never emotionly capable having me at 19 with a man that was abusive. It was a case of history repeating itself.

Despite trying to commit suicide at the age of 12, suffering from insomnia even before that and still suffering from it to this day, depression, anxiety, panic attacks all my life I was on a mission to deal with it, get a life and be strong. And I have been.

Just a few minutes ago, after coming across a post I realised that I also suffer from OCD which is skin picking.

I never even knew that it was a condition until now. I have been harming myself since I was a child. It started with my face than as a teenager as I became more aware of my "looks" it moved to my scalp. Growing up I could never go to a hairdresser because it was a secret that no one could never know. As I got older, after having my first child at 25 and cutting my hair by myself always I was desperate, I left my scalp and moved to my back. I have such deep scars on my back I will never be able to wear a dress that's low cut or a swim suit on holiday without being completely self conscious.

Over the last few months I have been doing this to my lower back and my legs.

All my life until now I thought I was the only one, never ever saying a word. Never knowing there is help out there or that other people suffer the same.

For anyone who suffers, please try and get help. Never let yourself get to the state I'm in.