OCD?

[sisipinho]

Hello everyone,

I am 19 years old and have heard people talk about OCD before, but recently actually LISTENED to it carefully. It happens that it all sounded pretty familiar to me. Having anxiety at times, mostly social anxiety, and having some uncomfortable feelings stood out for me and made me want to research. So I did. And I found out more "similarities" with my life.

For example (and this I feel it's what bothers me the most) I "love" the number 3; I like the number 1, and I tolerate everything 5 and above. But I absolutely hate the number 2 and a bit less the number 4. So if I do something once, ok. If I do it twice, no matter how hard/stupid/bad it is, I'll do it a 3rd time to feel somewhat "good" about it. Sounds crazy, even to me, but I'm sure someone will relate to it, as I've seen it's more normal than I've thought. Also, same with grouped things (they have to be in groups of 1/3). And that "ritual" sometimes just comes as an inconvenience in my life, as it's not always possible to achieve those numbers, and I may look ridiculous doing something again or correcting something to my "liking".

Cleaning and washing hands I've read are also a big sign, but in that I'm totally opposite. I'm more close to a pig than a "clean freak". The one thing in that sort of area that I relate to is liking simetry, and somewhat organized and clean looking stuff (visually clear, like a desk with only a laptop on top of it, if that makes sense - no chords, no extra "mess").

Also, I read about sexual thoughts. Now I don't know how well this would fit in the OCD symptoms, but I have more often than desired thoughts about having relations with another man, and feel horrible afterwards, like I was unintentionally cheating my partner. Those extend to dreams, as well. And again, as I only had relations with my current partner, I am always afraid I'll do it with someone else, making it 2 partners, and that would absolutely freak me out, so much that I would have to do it with a 3rd person. I'm also so glad that I've only been with/kissed 3 guys in my lifetime, and so afraid I go past that number. But at the same time, I do want to experiment more :/

Another thing that I'm not sure if it can relate to OCD is I get way too anxious and nervous when something goes wrong/not as planned, or if I'm running out of time/under pressure, or even just talking to people I'm not comfortable with/about things I'm not comfortable, so much that I start to sweat A LOT and become like a living tomato head, and that leads me to be more anxious and nervous, and sometimes (less than before) it snowballs into a very bad public humiliation, with yelling and throwing stuff involved, saying too much "bad words", and overall looking like a freak.

Something else that I remembered was my childhood "tiques". When I was around 7, I started bumping my ankles, sort of jumping now and then. My parents thought it was weird, and tried to give me professional help, which never totally cured it. My "solution", as a little kid, was to sit down in front of a TV and distract me with cartoons until I "forgot" about it. I also went through a fase with vocal tiques, and many other physical ones. Those fortunately have lessened a lot, now being rare and only in anxious situations. But I still have some "rituals", like touching the floor next to my bed before going to sleep, but not that big of a deal.

Now, I'm not really a big fan/supporter of getting professional help on these mind subjects, as I do not 100% believe in them. I've been forced by my parents before, I've took some medication, and none of those impacted me in any way, only upsetting me and embarrassing me when it was time to go there.

Recently, I've noticed my case is not that weird, and way more "normal" than I thought, with similar cases I thought made me feel really comforting in a way. But I still think I will hold on a bit before thinking about getting help. Maybe I'll think about it when I move out, I don't know.

If you guys could leave me your feedback, opinion, or even just say if you relate to some of this, please, that would help me a lot.

Edit: Something I remembered later that I'd like to know if can relate to OCD or is just another separate problem - I tend to live way too much in the past. By that I mean I remember/relive regularly bad days/big mistakes in the past, that go back even to when I was 5 until now (that's 14 years of bad memories relived at once). It really bothers me, because then I start feeling down, and when I try to analise the problem (why am I sad now, when everything seems fine at the moment?) I realize I'm having those thoughts again in the back of my mind. Sometimes (more now than before) I can tell myself "stop being silly, you have everything to be happy right now, enjoy life", and distract myself, and it works (sometimes). Others I just "want" (without really wanting) to feel down (even though my overall goal in life is to just be happy most of the time).

Recently it seems like my past became somewhat "boring", and I found myself (trying to) relive my boyfriend's past! I've told him about it, and he obviously finds it weird and not worth it because it's in the past (I 100% agree, I find it so unnecessary too), but I can't help it.

Please now I'm really curious if OCD may be an "answer/cause" to this, or if any of you know what can be causing this.