dubious or just in denial?

[niall451]

right guys back from the hospital,really long walk from station(this had diminished to a rather feeble shuffle by my arrival)but when i got in the pain was so great it literally stopped me dead, it came in waves and in one knee,which kinda threw my nurse which got me thinking have i got ra?i have seen two consultants and they both say yes,i have nodules on my hands symetrically (3 on each middle knuckle) i have intense pain episodes im always tired and for want of a better description always feel a bit"shitty".

My onset came in may and almost exactly coincided with my diagnosis blood tests came back positive so it looks like a pretty done deal.......or does it i still think to myself hmmm maybe i dont have it and sometimes i smile and think ahh theyve got this wrong but then my world comes crashing down as it feels like im having nails hammered into my knees and ankles.

i did not talk to my nurse about this as was desperate for some relief and treatment,so i worry that i am in denial,because deep down subconciously i am shitting it(again sorry for the swearing but its flowing)

p.si am restarting mtx via injection again

tramadol

and a butt jab

[Hidden]

I can't work this out - you had so much pain that you decided there was nothing wrong with you!?! I can understand it more when you're feeling better, though. Is it possible that you actually enjoyed that long walk &, despite the pain, you were on a bit of a high? If so, if I was you, I'd do more walking!

As you're starting to think about what's going on subconsciously would you benefit from counselling? That would be a way of letting go of some of the stuff you have to file away in order to get up & get going every day. I know you've been having a tough time & wonder whether you should just start asking for help of any kind that's available & you can figure out what does or doesn't work for you later.

Sounds a bit like I'm preaching. But I'm regularly terrified or just gobsmacked by what's happening to me & it's only the easy life I'm having at the moment that helps me get by.

Hope you're feeling much better,

Christina

[niall451 in reply to Hidden]

no feather not nothing just something else as i also dont get much visible swelling

[Hidden in reply to niall451]

Sorry! I did think that might be what you meant but started tapping away before engaging brain.

[Hidden]

HI, funny you should mention nails hammering in your body, I call it darts or nerves endings screaming at me, when mine is playing up, and I use 'sugar,sugar, sugar' going up octaves until the spasm has died down. I expect many of us have our own little foibles for calling RA & PsA.

My sister had to have a colonoscopy bag and has named that 'The Prat', which the family all refer it as that now. I reckon my PsA will be known as 'Sugar', Naill451 RA will be 'Darts', the list could be endless.

But I would suggest that you inform your nurse of your feelings and sometimes it does take a while to get your head around things once you are finally diagnosed. Plus it's good to write your feelings out here. Seeing it in black and white makes it not seem so bad, (yes I know it is bad), and you can had some witty sayings as well which in turn makes you feel happier.

I do hope you feel better soon especially after sitting down.

[Hidden]

Hi Niall, hopefully you'll get some relief now you've had the stab in the bum. I don't get much visible swelling or redness either but my bloods showed positive for anti ccp and rheumatoid factor. I think the pain of ra when it is active is like no other pain and that in itself is enough to confirm for me that I have ra. I hope you start to feel better soon.

Paula x

[niall451 in reply to Hidden]

thanks p, i think ive found a friend in tramadol 5 hrs unbroken sleep!

[Hidden]

Hi Niall - even those with screaming RA that waves its hands and sticks it's middle finger up regularly in the form of visible swelling seem to go through a prolonged period of denial. Those of us with invisible RA (ie no visible swelling or redness) do struggle to believe we have this stranger than strange disease I find. Mine is often absent these days and the drugs I'm on make their presence felt more strongly than the disease so I struggle endlessly to believe I have it. As Paula says we have to make ourselves focus on the nature of RA pain sometimes to really acknowledge that it could be nothing else. I think the visible swelling is a myth sympton for many of us on here unfortunately - it would make it so much easier to come to terms with for ourselves and our loved ones/ friends and work colleagues if it made itself known more often wouldn't it? Take care and enjoy the relief that tramadol and hopefully the steroid injection will bring. Tilda x