A few weeks ago hubby and I had a huge chat re my Mum and the history and hell of husbands and her way of being Mum to us. Hubby said he felt after trying to revive his Mum after she had a massive stroke that he wished there were times he could say simply I love you but that was not meant to be. He said you only get one Mum.
He reminded me that though me and my sisters had issues re what has happened we either deal with it head on or let it go and a few weeks ago I decided to let it go. However I know my sisters were struggling about it but I knew one had listened to me at least.
So with Step Dad dying who we all adored I tried to build a new styled relationship with my Mum for the here and now.
Yesterday we bundled off to the hospital post op for the sign off and I sat in the hospital Costa and 30mins later saw Mum bundle past. Paid for the car park and met her outside.
It was like a film we were in slow motion and all around us sped up as Mum said I have cancer. We cried and hugged and a lovely nurse came over to us as she could see the distress and made sure we were Ok.
My husbands words struck a chord yesterday You only get one Mum.
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Deeb1764
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I totally understand how your husband felt , I had to do CPR on my mum as the DNR wasn’t in place . The last words I ever said to my mum , when she told me she couldn’t go on like this , was to shut up and don’t be silly . That’s when the ascites fluid burst and I never got to say I love and adore you . How brave she was , losing her husband of 35 years 10 months before , selling up and moving in with us . To be diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer and subsequently die within 6 weeks of diagnosis . The guilt I carry everyday eats away at you . I never got to say goodbye the missing piece of my heart two years on hasn’t numbed . Mine like most women was a typical mother , daughter relationship but I would give the world for a hug and to say thank you .
I’m so sorry to hear your mums news , thankfully you can help walk her journey with her and god willing to a positive outcome . Thinking of you all , 🤗🌼
Nessa i predicted when and how my mum was going to die and i was only wrong of the date. She died 10 days before my birthday. It took me two years to recover from that. Your mum would know you loved her. SO let all the guilt flow away and remember the good and funny times you had with her and know she walks beside you all the time. xxxxx
I did have a very loving and close relationship with my Mum.I was with her the day and night she took bad and rushed her into hospital.My eldest sister was abroad visiting her son and did not get back in time before she died so she feels guilty.We can’t live on guilt and regret although we go over and over in our minds to change things.We can only go forward.Each parent knows or knew you loved them,they knew our quirky ways and understand.Don’t beat yourselves up.Wishing your mum a good recovery Deeb1764 ❤️
Oh Dee, I'm so sorry and think I can understand the complete jumble of emotions you must be feeling. This is so timely as my mum (who I've had a complicated relationship with) is currently in hospital after a fall but her dementia has now progressed so much that my mum has gone. It's brought up a whole barrel of feelings and thoughts about the past but I'm trying to let it go and live day to day. One day at a time. I keep thinking of the saying 'the past is a different country - they do things differently there'. I think your attitude to the situation and trying to build a new relationship with your mum can't fail to succeed and I really wish you both well. You are supporting your Mum through a difficult time and your love will show through. Thinking of you.
Like you Dobcross1, my relationship with my mother was complicated. She was a cold woman. I live abroad and have done since I was 21 and one reason was to escape, if I am to be honest as my mum was controlling for all of us. I had a closer relationship with my father, although I am a feminist at heart but still flew over here more times in the year when both were ill at different times. I was always respectful to both of my parents as I grew up in the 50s and we were taught to be respectful, so many things were never said and later when she had alzheimer she seemed like a child. It broke my heart to see her like that. Before that happened Dad had already died and she was on her own as my brothers moved away. One of them also did not get on with her. We have a big house with a separate flat so I suggested she come and live here. But she - who had never liked England in the past and always put it down, suddenly wanted to stay. When alzheimer was diagnosed it was too late for us to talk, I mean really talk. So in the end she died without me ever telling her how I felt. I fear though it would not have made much difference. Some people do not have that closeness I read about here. I did with my Dad who visited me every year just to escape that atmosphere over there. One brother started drinking. My memories are not so good and I don't think anything would have changed that as it takes two. My mother was half French, half Polish. She was an only child, very spoiled. If it were not for us living nearby my gran would have never had visitors in her old age and she dotted on my mum. It is just a long story and some people are just not cut out to be mothers I guess. A lot of you are lucky you had a relationship. I never really did although I tried for years.
From now I think you will find the time your Mum has left will become very precious to you both and any previously difficult times in your relationship with her will become insignificant.
My mum was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer at 61 when I was expecting my first child at 30. I had not seen as much of her as I would have liked during the early years of my marriage (husbands!!), which I have always regretted. But straight after my daughter was born I went to stay with my mum regularly to help care for her. She was overjoyed to have her first grandchild and me staying with her and we grew closer than ever. It was a very special time we had together and I have many precious memories. I’m very glad that we had the chance to share those sad but wonderful times together in the final few months of her life.
You do indeed only get one Mum and she will need you and your sisters in the days ahead. If you can be there for her I’m sure you won’t regret it. Xxx
So sorry to hear your news. Not sure how old your mum is but you may have a long time together still. So spend it well. Thoughts and prayers go out to you over the text waves 🌺
I am so sorry to hear of your mum's news and send my heartfelt wishes to you, your mum and family. Some very moving and from the heart posts above and some wise words from your husband. I lost my mum five years ago to a little known and cruel neurological disease which stripped her of many things in the few years between finally being diagnosed and her passing but the one thing it did not take was her wish and determination to be at home with her husband and childhood sweetheart of 60 years. As others have said things change as you realise time is so precious. When mum became bedridden and could not get out to see the gardens that she had created over the years we would take photographs and print them off to hang up around her. She loved the birds so we positioned a bird table and feeder at the front window so she could see the birds each day. Again some creative thinking to allow her to feel valued, humour and our ability to keep going when times were tough got us through. I hope you and your sisters can spend your time together being with your mum, it's the greatest thing you can give her. Sending some soothing and comforting wishes to you, take care xx
I’m so sorry to read your news Dee. I lost my Mum last year to COPD, but she went through treatment for lung cancer two years prior to that and I remember well how scary that diagnosis was when it arrived. My Mum didn’t want me to see her when she was in the middle of her cancer treatment, so kept me at arms length. Her way of protecting me as she was traumatised from watching her own Mum with cancer at a young age, but I found it incredibly difficult. Fortunately she softened her approach somewhat in her last few months with the COPD and we spent a lot of time together, and as Lolabridge says, some of the memories which bring me the most comfort now, are of time that we spent together during those difficult days, and the things that we said and shared with each other. Obviously, I’ll be sending the biggest most positive thoughts your Mums way, and hope that her treatment has a good outcome, and I’m sure you’ll make the most of every day in the meantime. Big hug 🤗 xx
I'm so sorry to read this your family must be devasted and its so sad. A long fight ahead now but hopefully all will be well. My mum lived until a good old age with a good sense of humour but sadly dad died when I was young. Its not just about children it affects grandchildren too, the role of grandparents is so important. It gladdens my heart that my son has such good memories of going fishing, picnics and going to the allotment with my mum. Skimming stones and walking the dog, collecting flints and fossil stones and all sorts of other stuff. This was the subject of a conversation when she died and he did the eulogy. My goodness though you do have some awful experiences and all one, on top of another. The stress must be horrid, so take it easy and it might be an idea to take some me time whilst you still can. xx
So very sorry to hear his. 💗 It’s been such a difficult time for you with your health and now this. 😢 I always say too that time is the greatest gift you can give to someone no matter what the situation is. I know you will be doing absolutely everything you can for your Mum. Take care of you too all you can, when you can ... to be physically well re the RA. You have a great husband on your side and he will be your support. (Even the strongest, most sensible and most practical people benefit from having a rock. 💗) You will find strength. It’s what you do. What you want to do. Thinking of you. X
Oh Deeb, I'm so sorry. Your post brought back memories of the loss of my own Mum and losing her to a massive stroke 26 years ago now. I spent a week at her hospital bed, talking to her and willing her to wake up but she never did. She really suffered with rheumatoid arthritis but was a warrior and a little firebrand. My mum was my best friend and I could tell her anything and I miss her to this day. This is awful news for your Mum and you and the rest of the family. But she is still here and you can hold her close and tell her everything you need to. You will support her and do your best by her. In the end it's all anyone can do, Cherish the time you spend together now. Hugs xxx
Aw reading this brought tears to my eyes 😪 life is hard and hard to forgive at times but your husbands right. I think so many things are taken out of our control and alot of things get left unsaid.
After having a father that was in and out of our life growing up due to alcohol I know its hard. My mum and dad divorced when I was 5. He was always there then not and when I was 8 the contact stopped all together as a child I really missed my dad. I seen him when I was 24 outside my work with his sister I was pregnant I said hello. She said hi ya love I wanted to see my Dads response but he didn't know who I was. I was so upset and walked off. I know which I hadn't and just spoke to him about it. I just felt how can you not know your own blood.
Then at the age of 27 I said to my husband about seeing my dad and he said go for it he knew I had alot of unanswered questions and deep down I missed him as my memories from a child when with him he was so caring and gentle. He was a lovely Dad. I rang my nanny to see where he was and he was in hospital really poorly with COPD I rang the hospital and that was the first time in many years I said Hello Dad 😪he wanted to come home he just kept saying over and over I want to come home. He came home a few days later and ask to see me but my mum was so annoyed at me for bothering after all the times we had been let down and we had a step dad. So I couldn't do with the argument and didn't go I deep down thought we had alot of years left he was only 54. However, a week later I got that dreaded phone call he had an heart attack and didn't make it. I was devasted as I never also got to tell him that growing up I missed him and that I always loved him.
Grab the chance whilst you can because even though there's hurt there you don't know if you will get the chance again. I know I regret listening to everyone and wish I had just seen him and he had met his grandchildren but all I got to do was put photos and a letter explaining all that in his coffin.
Hi Deeb1764. When i read your post i had to reply. I lost my lovely, brave, loving mum nearly 4 yrs ago. (Will be 4 yrs in October). She was a nurse. Very well thought of by patients. She nursed me too when i first got arthritis. (I was 21). She started getting symptoms in Aug 2017. She was gone in October. That bloody cancer is so evil. She had bile duct cancer which is quite rare. Symptoms come when it’s too late. I think of her every hr, every day. I’m getting emotional as i write this. It sounds like you’ve had disagreements with your mother. BUT WHO DOESN’T? My mum & i used to snap at eachother. But we had so much fun together too. Made eachother laugh. I’ll just say this. No matter what sort of relationship you’ve had in the past. JUST THINK OF THE HERE & NOW. SAVOUR EVERY MOMENT YOU HAVE WITH HER & TRY & BE PATIENT. YOU’RE ALL GOING TO GO THROUGH A ROLLERCOASTER OF EMOTION. YOU’LL REGRET IT IF YOU DON’T SHOW HOW YOU FEEL. Good luck x
I know that so well Deeb1764, and although I would never say I understand what youre going through, having lost my own mum in April, this year and yes having issues, I would still say you only get one mum and I miss her every minute of every day. There are things that I wish I could've done or said and things I'd wished I'd never done or said because when it comes down to it she's your mum.
Hope that your mum has early, successful, treatment Deeb. It's so good that you were there for her and I think that would have totally offset the news she had received. God Bless, x
Never a truer word said I lost my mum 2 years ago and like everything else in life we had our ups and downs but we came really close in her later years Cherish her ❤️
I'm really sorry to hear this Dee and I can quite imagine how you're feeling about it as I was very close to my mum too. I wish her, you and the family strength to cope with what lies ahead and hope that there is an appropriate treatment for her. xx
So sorry to hear about your Mum's illness. I hope she can get some good treatment.
You are so right, we only get one Mum. Sometimes the best thing we can do is leave past hurts behind and build a new relationship. Forgiveness can be liberating. You can move forward from today knowing that you can't change the past.
My mum and I had a rocky relationship from my teens until I was in my forties. I came to the understanding that people do the best they can with what they have. What they have is their own baggage that they carry forward. My mother was orphaned at a young age and had a childhood of loss and abandonment. She had problems sustaining relationships and could be bitter and defensive. I was able to put the past behind and begin to move forward. I would have liked more time with her but she died 20 years ago.
Same with my mum Elizabeth, my mum lost her dad at 3 years of age and her mum at the age of 12. It wasn't that she wasn't an affectionate person, she just had grow up really quickly and was only 5 when WW2 started, she was made of the tough stuff. I think we were too much alike at times, oh gawd! I'm turning into my mother!! 😊
It seems to me that as you get older, very few thing smatter any more that you previously had problems with. My mum never liked me but it was me who sat with her while she was dying. She said to me about a month before she died that it was ironic that I was the one that looked after her when she had never liked me. That was a great relief as I then could ask her why and she said that it was because I was my dad's favourite. That was a great relief. I am now very close to my sister who has a tendency to rewrite history about her role in things. However, I have come to accept that is her way of dealing with the difficult things in life and if it gives her peace, what does it matter to me as I know what went on. Have learned to let it go. Sorry to hear about your mum, but hopefully it will result in all of you coming together and that will be the silver lining. Take good care. x
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