Feeling guilty for cancelling plans

[Summerrain14]

This week I have had to cancel several plans due to having a flare up of my RA. I had made plans a couple of months ago to attend a Christmas party with my work colleagues but now not able to attend. Does anyone else feel guilty for having to cancel plans? ☹️

[Azzure]

Hello Summerrain

It is hard to not feel guilty and people who do not have RD can’t really understand.

For me it’s not just about cancelling plans which I don’t intend to, as I do want to take part. I sometimes do not have the energy to socialise.

I also work full time and I am the one living this way, so if people cannot understand why I cancel etc then that is their problem not mine.

I say often to myself I’m not being selfish I’m being self caring by looking after me!

I’ve gone past worrying about what people think, I just tell myself I’m not that important ha ha!

[Summerrain14 in reply to Azzure]

Thanks so much for your great reply. I too have given up a lot of my social events. It is such a life changing condition isn’t it?

I too always want to be part of the social side of things but am starting to decline most of them.

I have a long way to go to stop worrying about what people think. I have so many feelings and concerns about what other people think of me.

My New Years resolution is going to work harder at being kinder to myself.

[Azzure in reply to Summerrain14]

That is a wonderful resolution my people pleasing had to stop !

It is life changing I’ve had to change my thinking in so many ways. I realise I don’t get out like I used to and I can sometimes think my life is boring. A lot of people I know are in bed by 9pm most evenings because life can be tiring. I can think people are swinging from their lampshades and their really not.

Nowadays I pick my battles and it is ok to have to cancel. I don’t go out on work social events and people just get used to it anyway. I don’t drink being on Methotrexate, and if I’m honest I get more excited nowadays about my electric blanket !! Bliss ❤️

[Summerrain14 in reply to Azzure]

The realisation of having to change my thinking is hitting home these last few weeks.

Oh I so relate to getting excited about electric blankets. For me it is snuggling up in bed with my hot water bottle. An electric blanket is the future!

In all seriousness though thank you so much for your messages. I can’t express just how much you have helped me tonight.

[Azzure in reply to Summerrain14]

You are so welcome!

I went from a hot water bottle to my electric blanket and I thought why didn’t I get one years ago!

A few weeks ago I was bodyboarding in a wet suit and loved every minute. It is about living the best life we can but I’ve also learned to do what’s important to me. And if that means cancelling because I’m in pain or keeping my energy for something else the next day then I can give myself permission to do that.

[Hidden]

Never feel guilty about something you have no control over. Soooo sorry you had to cancel your party, it’s sods law we always have a flare when we have something planned. When I book anything in advance ( wich I rarely do) I always explain that if my RA is ok I’ll be there. Unfortunately we have to run part of our lives around our RA, but we also have to live our lives to the fullest.

Hope your feeling better soon. 🤗💐X

[Summerrain14 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your message. I hadn’t thought of it this way before but you are so right. ❤️ x

[AgedCrone]

I don’t feel guilty any more.

I sat my friends down....told them how it is...if they couldn’t deal with it.....

I told them ‘don’t invite me’.

Worked fine.....& now I’m well controlled it doesn’t often happen.

I had to be firm but I thought it better than getting all in a dither every time it happened.

[Hidden]

Yes yes yes ........ this year socially has been non existent. My works do tonight can’t make it had a major reaction yo new meds and as the weeks gone on RD is playing up. More upsetting missed my sisters 50th last weekend big big do🥺and on holiday this year never left my room spoilt it for my family. Guilt is another symptom of RD as far as I’m concerned 🥺

[HappykindaGal in reply to Hidden]

Isn’t it? The guilt is awful and isolating. I missed a holiday and numerous other events as I was fooling myself into thinking nothing needed to change. I run a business too, although I am taking some time out of it currently as I realise something had to change.

[HappykindaGal]

I think everyone does to some extent. The more guilt we feel, the worse it becomes. I’ve been in a flare for three months and cancelled loads. The guilt affected my mind and I became a recluse. Only saw the postman! I realised I had to do something about it and have had two sessions of CBT. It’s worked and I’ve bounced back now with a little help.

Don’t let the guilt get out of control as you’re in danger of a downward spiral. My friends say they understand and they mean it. It’s us that feel the guilt. I totally understand how you’re feeling. Apparently, the therapist felt I had a kind of PTSD and I had brushed the diagnosis under the carpet rather than accepting that some things may be different. ❤️❤️🙏🏼

[Biofreak]

I don't feel guilty, only disappointment when it happens. My friends know me well enough to understand that I would be there if I could. I have explained my condition to them and fortunately for me, they get it. Don't worry about it. You really do have to put yourself first in this.

[Thingybob]

I totally agree with everybody's comments . Does anyone else hate the fact of not being able to plan or sign up for anything without a feeling of "what if..." ? I find it takes the edge of excitement and joy off things and get far more anxious in the run up to what should be pleasurable events through not knowing how I will be. Instead of looking forward to things I kind of dread them so even planning things to make life better, like holidays etc, can be joyless and stressy. Or is this just me?

[Recorder500L in reply to Thingybob]

I am exactly the same Thingybob. We do plan and go on holidays and more especially going to visit our children & grandchildren. However the ferry is booked at a higher rate so that if I cancel we get our money returned minus administration fee and holidays are here in Britain only and always covered by insurance and are self-catering. I do not like anyone seeing me struggle first thing in the morning and be governed by time for breakfast. We do love going out for meals later in the day which both hubby and I enjoy. I think we all find that some 'friends' give up on us as we may not be reliable and I think this stops us joining clubs/groups. Would it be a waste of money because we couldn't attend at times or feel that we are letting people down. Most of all I miss the walks that were so enjoyable it is a short wander now. Take Care.

[Thingybob in reply to Recorder500L]

We have booked our first short flight since diagnosis for January. Just to Spain really because hubby wants to go and I feel its not fair if I dont try it. But half of me is dreading it becuse of ' what if'. (He dosent put any pressure on or expect me to but so much else has been shelved im gonna give it a go).

Putting a brave face on is becoming a default mode 😕

[Hidden in reply to Thingybob]

I’m with you 🥺

[KittyJ]

I no longer feel guilty. If I can go I do, if I can't then I don't. Stressing about whether you will be well enough to attend something can in itself bring on problems. Over the years I have learnt to pace myself more and realise a decent nights sleep is what I need so late nights don't work for me anymore. I attend parties but not for the whole evening. Dinner parties are a no go really as I can't sit for that length of time but people have got used to the fact that I can't always last a whole evening of socialising. They are happy that I attend even if for a short time. If it's not something I am particularly bothered about then I will cancel if I don't feel up to it. I do a lot more socialising in the daytime now as that is easier for me. You don't say how long since you were diagnosed Summerrain but it really is learning what works for you and arranging your socialising around that. Then you don't feel guilty as you are just looking after yourself and your health which is what is important.

[Summerrain14 in reply to KittyJ]

Hi KittyJ, I am just six months into my diagnosis and reality has started to hit I think.

[Summerrain14]

A huge thank you to everyone for your reply’s and support. Reading the posts really had helped. I am just six months into diagnosis. So much to learn to ensure I can remain positive and make the adaptations I may need to make. Being part of this group is so good. I know for sure I am not on my own. x

[Mmrr]

I used to feel quite guilty at the start of my RD, I guess I was trying to keep the old me going. Now I just accept that I won't make it to some things. People close to you and who support you understand and those that don't, don't. But, you need to do what is best for you and keep as healthy as you can.

I find daytime activities work better for me and try to keep outings to a couple of hours maximum.