I don't really feel like I've made any progress. I feel like someone has died. Yesterday I cried over the smallest things almost all day - I haven't cried about anything in the last 5 years. Suicidal ideation is non stop. Never had that before. It's freaking scary.
3 days is the best I can do.
I just don't understand. I'm not nicotine-free, so why the mass drama in my head?
Oh, and I thought I should mention that there have been no tears today, and the suicidal thoughts have passed leaving me really, really, REALLY confused as to what's going on up there.
Still smoke-free. Feeling OK... For now. I don't know what to do. I feel it's a "damned if I do, damned if I don't scenario".
Dear Hoots,
Despite the e-cig (so you're still getting some nicotine)there is as you know a whole heap of other stuff in tobacco and that, as well as a load of accumulated nicotine, will have left your body now so the worst of the physical withdrawal is done now. It's no wonder we all feel so pants during those first three days really.
Very glad to hear you've survived and are still not smoking but I do think you need to see a doctor about those suicidal thoughts you've been having. I know they've gone now and obviously hope they don't return but forwarned is forearmed. I think you said recently that you don't have a GP at the moment as your old doctor retired so perhaps you should make this be the push you need to get registered with a new surgery. You won't be the first to need some medication to get you through the initial stages of a quit. Even people with no history of depression or anxiety can suffer- it's a common side effect of quitting- and I certainly did for the first few weeks (never felt so bad in my life and I do include some close family bereavements in that).
It does take time for your body to adapt to the new regime (my GP reckons a good six months before everything really settles down) so expect the unexpected for a while at least. However, if you can hold on, you'll find it really does become easier and easier (and less & less strange) far more quickly than you imagine it will.
All the best dear Hoots, and do keep us posted on how things are now won't you? 
Skiddaw pretty much nailed it. You are addicted to all the other crap that's in cigarettes so your body is reacting to the withdrawal of those nasty additives. I have been at the point in the road you are at right now and I know only too well what you have been feeling like.
The good news is that it will pass. It will get better for you. I'm day 34 now and look forward to you posting on your 34th. Trust me on this, it will get easier. Take it from someone who quit the same way you have.
Stay strong.
Hi hoot
Sorry you are having such a rough time!! I too suffered with depression on and off during the first few months but it lifted eventually. As long as you realise it will be a roller coaster ride of emotions you should be fine. Just try understand that when you are down it's not going to last and it is just that evil nicotine trying to tempt you back!! He will try anything!!!
Big hugs your way
Sarah
Thanks for the support guys. I'll see a doc in the next couple of days, but I don't know what they can offer me. I'm not taking anti depressants. No way, no how.
Now then my lovely, please see the doc, we are all very complex people and if you need some little pills to get you back on track, that's absolutely ok.:)
It's ok to be on medication, many people are, and all it does is help us, please don't dismiss any help you are given, it can only improve life for you.
Often it's just a short period of time, just until life settles for you. And it will life will get better. 
Hi Hoot,
There are some drugs that are addictive, some are not. Regarding antidepressant, or any kind of other medecine, people have different ideas and ideals about it.
Just out of curiosity, why are you against antidepressant? you don't have to answer. Some people are just against traditional medecine, some other had a bad experience with antidepressant, some other was at one point on their life on it and swear they never will again and some, a lot of people, just say :not me! antidepressant are related to mental illness and I am not one of those.
Not saying that's you, just having a conversation.
I don't know about UK, but here, a lot of people have a lot of discrimination about anyone who has a mental illness. Statistic shows that 1 out of 5 will have depression, or burn out, or similar at one point in their life.
Knowing that, no one will admit it. they get judged. Sad, so sad.
Hélène
Ok, let me just be clear. I'm not against antidepressants because of stigma or anything like that. I have a true fear of them.
I've been on and off antidepressants since I was about 17. Not for anything severe, just the blues I guess. My best friend died 3 months short of his 21st birthday (Heart failure... Just goes to show you're never too young). I was pretty shaken up and upset, but functioned ok. Finished highschool, went and lived overseas, started uni, blah blah blah - Zero issues, just a black cloud over my head. I have tried a multitude of antidepressants in that time. Some of them I took for 6+ months with no result, and others I couldn't even get past the first 2 weeks because of side effects. The last one I was on (not sure if I can/should mention the name here), I was on for about 4 months. They did nothing so I decided to come off them almost a year and a half ago and move onto the next one. The doc said it was ok to do that without weaning off the initial one first. So I did. Instant withdrawals and constant panic attacks. It was horrible. I thought I was having seizures (I wasn't. Just bad tremors and brain zaps coinciding) That's when my anxiety issues really got severe and everything in my head changed for the worse. I'm pretty convinced that the antidepressants effed up my brain somewhere along the line. IF that's the case, I can't afford to go around messing in there any more. I can't lose any more of the little functionality I have left. I'm not saying I'm disabled or anything. My personality has changed, and research tells me it's not as uncommon as you would think. I've become a nervous wreck - Never had anxiety before coming off those meds. Never.
SO... You can see my apprehension. I have anxiety about taking anxiety medication.
As for natural stuff, I was seeing a naturopath for about 6 months. Was taking 5 supplements twice a day (That was like 16 pills a day, or something equally ridiculous!) 5HTP, Kava Kava, Proxan, Omega 3 and Vitamin D and a multivitamin on top of that. I actually had to build up to that many pills because at the time I couldn't even take a pill of aspirin without having a panic attack. None of it made a scrap of difference. I use rescue remedy daily, but I don't think it does what it's supposed to do. I drink a heap of herbal teas. I constantly have one in my hand when I'm at home (chamomile, peppermint, ginger, etc). I'm also seeing a therapist and hypnotherapist 1-2 times a month. So I am actively trying to sort it all out. Just without pills and potions.
So I hope that clears up why I'm not going to take antidepressants any more. I wasn't going to go into it, but here we are. I actually wrote a lot more than I had intended. Oh well. Anyway, quitting smoking was going to be my Holy Grail. The thing that was going to make this nightmare go away. However, it's not quite going to plan.
Yep. Day 5 coming at me.
Day 4 just finished!!!
