Bit apprehensive :/ ...

[nsd_user663_2681]

A friend of mine passed away from throat cancer and it's his funeral today.....he found out 8 weeks ago he had the cancer and in that short space of time he's gone.....feeling a bit sad and empty this morning....also worrying about the funeral itself.... It's one of those firsts again isn't it?.....People standing around outside, talking, reminiscing, smoking....... Going to be a difficult day....but I will NOT smoke today....

[nsd_user663_59644]

Sad news

I do hope to day, is as kind to you as can be.

We lost our mum last year on my birthday, and the day of the funeral I felt like we were at a part, my gosh mum knew how to party.

Hope you gain strength for today a moment in time and those feeling your having will pass, a very sad situation for you.

We are sooooo fortunate to be here, makes us think long and hard, about our mortality.

I do hope you manage to get through to day my lovely, with out smoking, although this is really a tough one.

[nsd_user663_2681]

thanks lovely people..... its very difficult... I cant explain it....I have been reflecting on the last funeral I went to, which thankfully was nearly a year ago... I remember it well though..... smoked alot, it was my best friends dad.....dear oh dear.... gonna have to dig very very deep today to not have one....I am yet to find an alternative way to deal with stressful situations, thats the hardest part about quitting.....I have been on the phone to lots of friends this morning.... normally these calls would of taken place in my garden with a cup of tea and several cigarettes.....very odd feeling, Im sure tomorrow it will be fine again...

[nsd_user663_2681]

thanks TG, its just all so sad, he leaves behind a wife, a young daughter... I dont know....its just too sad for words....:( xxx

[nsd_user663_61196]

So sorry for your loss Donna. A very sad day for you and his family. Stay strong, sending lots of love and thoughts. bb x

[nsd_user663_2681]

thanks ladies....I feel I am being selfish... my thoughts are all consumed with smoking....my friends would understand if I had a fag off one of them right? they would say start again tomorrow? nobody in my real life would tell me I am being stupid having a fag, not today, Im allowed today everyone smokes at weddings funerals Christmas on holidays right???....I am kidding myself.....I know this, but those thoughts wont go away....the only person that would be pissed off is me...ME....I just cant allow it to happen, his funeral isnt until 2pm....got quite a bit of wait yet....pffft.... perhaps Ill just have yet another cup of tea and just get a grip...I darent leave the house and go to a friends just yet, I literally dont trust myself.....xx

[nsd_user663_2681]

Donna U are in my thoughts. I know u can come out of this with another trigger ticked.Look at all the people thinking of you. We can all carry u thru this xx

Debbie you are so lovely thankyou, I know you havent been yourself lately and havent been on the forum so coming on to post means alot, I am very lucky on here, I have forged some wonderful friendships, I will do my utmost not to smoke, I must try to not keep thinking about it....easier said than done but I wont smoke, perhaps just a bit of passive xxxxx

[nsd_user663_59305]

Donna I am so sorry I didn't see this earlier , I hope everything went as well as could be expected and I am sending huge hugs your way.

[nsd_user663_2681]

Hi all, I'm back now, it was very nice as these things go, was a celebration of his life played some lovely Ben Howard music which set everyone off but there was lots of laughter too.... I didn't go to the wake, I feel I should but the feeling of having a fag hasn't left me ALL day.... It is to be like a party to celebrate his life which will no doubt go on for quite a while which will mean alcohol, chatting to friends not seen for ages and no doubt a crafty fag, I can't have that so I have come home, I might pop to the club later for a drink when it's nearing the end, I'll see how it goes..... Xxx

[nsd_user663_61320]

What a tough day and what resolve you showed in the face of enormous sadness, stress and temptation. To make the decision to go home shows how seriously you are committed to this.

You are right everybody would have said: go ahead just for today, it won't make any difference.

But we know that's not true. You would have woken a sleeping demon and tomorrow you would have been a smoker again.

Hugs

[nsd_user663_60964]

Just wanted to pass a few virtual hugs in your direction Donna.

I'll bet your departed friend was very proud of you today.

[nsd_user663_2681]

Thank you all, well I went back out, I sat at home and thought... I'm missing this, I can't miss it, he's my friend all my friends are there his family etc, so I went got exceedingly merry we had sing alongs there was even a band there bunting everywhere, fresh spring daffodils on the tables etc, it was wonderful a definite celebration of his life, I did have an ecig tho... One of those throwaway ones I was on it all night but it didn't matter, I have made the mistake of bringing it home but will be throwing it away shortly, I just hope it's not the undoing of my quit it felt good, I can't deny it, the breathing in blowing out the vapour etc, the "action" of smoking......only time will tell I guess if this leads me back to cigs.... xxx

[nsd_user663_59305]

Bless you, it's really hard to keep perspective when hit by such personal tragedy, so many of us have fallen when hit so hard. You do what ever you need to do to get through this xxxx

[nsd_user663_2681]

If you were going to be led back to smoking your sadness yesterday would probably have done it. Instead you took an option that would protect your quit rather than lose it.

Hope you are feeling ok today x x

Hi thanks Hun, yh feeling hungover if I'm honest ;)..... Ecig in the bin and I'm ok, got my patch on, had it on yesterday aswell, I think hopefully it will be ok xx

Good for you on the smoking front. Shows real character and strength. Make your own decision on the ecig...you won't get bullied by me to dump it.

Thanks John I already binned it, it was a massive help yesterday but I won't be buying another one :))

[nsd_user663_2681]

E-cigs got to be better than smoking for real and I glad you went back he would have wanted you there take care xx

That's so lovely TG and exactly what I thought, I'm so glad I went there people I haven't seen for years and it was so lovely, we all had a fantastic night which was the whole point, he didn't want people being morose hence there being a band xxx

Bless you, it's really hard to keep perspective when hit by such personal tragedy, so many of us have fallen when hit so hard. You do what ever you need to do to get through this xxxx

Thanks hun, I am glad it is over if I'm honest... Xxxx