So guys I'm here at day 1 again after smoking 2-3 cigarettes last night. So here's the story.
I was using 21mg patches to quit and got to day 3 yesterday. Last night on day 3 because I've had a deep chesty cough, hoarse, sore throat and hacking up green pghlegm for about 2 weeks I got scared after reading that these symptoms could be an indicator of lung cancer (it's just not going away). I then stumbled across a website and read the experiences of lung cancer victims...at this point I was freaking out. What did I go and do?...have a glass of whiskey to calm the panic. It was now 3am, very late, couldn't sleep due to wanting a cigarette, and getting drunker by the minute, getting very upset. Next minute it's 7am, I'm very drunk, my husband wakes and takes my son to nursery (I have the good sense to hide from my son). After he comes home...you guessed it we argue about shit knows what. He goes out and gets me cigarettes. I have 2 or 3 cigarettes (don't know how many).
I feel a complete waster and what the hell was I thinking???? Before you start thinking I'm also an alcoholic, I'm not....I rarely drink and the whiskey was given as a gift ages ago. I'm just so ashamed at myself, what a complete cow. I feel like a terrible mother, who does that????? I'm typing on here, I dunno to just get it out. I'm still afraid it might be cancer and also scared of the fact that was this the nicotine creating a scenario to justify smoking again? If so then this is a powerful drug.
My last cigarette was at 11.30am this morning and it was only half a one as I was coughing so much I just couldn't smoke anymore. I'm not continuing with the patches, I've decided to go cold turkey, I've had enough of f**king nicotine...using the patches just seem to prolong the agony. All day it's a continuous feeding the nicotine habit...and that's all that smoking is. I get no pleasure from it and now it's ruining my body. People may scoff as have others all through my life "saying you'll never quit". Well scoff...I gotta walk the walk not talk the talk. I know what I've done is disgraceful and as I type I am crying. My husband and son deserve better. I think I'm going crazy...just really upsetting.
Hoping and praying I get to day 2.