Day 1 and ashamed

So guys I'm here at day 1 again after smoking 2-3 cigarettes last night. So here's the story.

I was using 21mg patches to quit and got to day 3 yesterday. Last night on day 3 because I've had a deep chesty cough, hoarse, sore throat and hacking up green pghlegm for about 2 weeks I got scared after reading that these symptoms could be an indicator of lung cancer (it's just not going away). I then stumbled across a website and read the experiences of lung cancer victims...at this point I was freaking out. What did I go and do?...have a glass of whiskey to calm the panic. It was now 3am, very late, couldn't sleep due to wanting a cigarette, and getting drunker by the minute, getting very upset. Next minute it's 7am, I'm very drunk, my husband wakes and takes my son to nursery (I have the good sense to hide from my son). After he comes home...you guessed it we argue about shit knows what. He goes out and gets me cigarettes. I have 2 or 3 cigarettes (don't know how many).

I feel a complete waster and what the hell was I thinking???? Before you start thinking I'm also an alcoholic, I'm not....I rarely drink and the whiskey was given as a gift ages ago. I'm just so ashamed at myself, what a complete cow. I feel like a terrible mother, who does that????? I'm typing on here, I dunno to just get it out. I'm still afraid it might be cancer and also scared of the fact that was this the nicotine creating a scenario to justify smoking again? If so then this is a powerful drug.

My last cigarette was at 11.30am this morning and it was only half a one as I was coughing so much I just couldn't smoke anymore. I'm not continuing with the patches, I've decided to go cold turkey, I've had enough of f**king nicotine...using the patches just seem to prolong the agony. All day it's a continuous feeding the nicotine habit...and that's all that smoking is. I get no pleasure from it and now it's ruining my body. People may scoff as have others all through my life "saying you'll never quit". Well scoff...I gotta walk the walk not talk the talk. I know what I've done is disgraceful and as I type I am crying. My husband and son deserve better. I think I'm going crazy...just really upsetting.

Hoping and praying I get to day 2.

17 Replies

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  • Keep going!

    Come on Lisa, your words have helped me so hopefully I can return the favour. I am on day 2..........just, so we can do this together if you want. I am trying to avoid alcohol too cos it is always the trigger nothing else.

    Will be back on in a bit, when I get the little one entertained. Stay strong. x

  • Didn't want to read and run, I understand that you must be feeling ghastly, but please please please don't be so hard on yourself.

    After 3 days of not smoking the cattarh (sp) and stuff that you are experiencing could just be your lungs clearing themselves. I'm on day 2 and can tell I have a bad cough on the way. So that you don't continue to worry, get thee to the doctors and have a chat. Quitting smoking is so hard, and you need to deal with one thing at a time. Worry and guilt are not going to make it any easier, when you have the withdrawal to deal with too.

    Give your son and husband a big cuddle and tell them that you love them, one night of self doubt and worry does not make you a bad Mum. Withdrawal makes our brains do loopy things and last night was the Nicodemon playing his games with you.

    Try to forgive yourself and move on. Wishing you the best of luck. BIG hugs. xx

  • hey lisa

    dont be so hard on yourself you are seeing smoking for exactly wat it is, a waste of time and energy and a poison [many poisons] that are harming us, for u to see this, this early in your quit is a good thing some people take months to see it like this

    keep these thoughts in the forefront of your mind so you stay strong so wen mr nictotine comes to visit you then you can tell him where to go in no uncertain terms

    i remember writing my early posts with tears streaming down my face i felt in a turmoil of emotions but it does pass and it does get easier , educate yourself by reading as much information as you can understanding why u feel like u do helps emmensly

    as for the lung cancer/cough/panic thing u are feeling that reminds me of how i was in the last few weeks before i quit i swear i had everything wrong with me i had a bad bad cough i had muffled ears and couldnt hear well i had aches and pains if i sat for a long time my hips kinda seized up and i would have to walk a little while before the stiffness dissapeared yet with in a week of quitting my cough had dissapeared,my ears cleared,aches and pains gone and seizing up hips dissapeared to

    i really feel my body was warning me that it had to be now or never with this quit and i had to do it

    and feeling like a bad parent please dont feel like that, read my early posts i had terrible guilt towards my children as i never smoked in front of them and i used to shoo them upstairs so i could smoke in peace and after i quit in the very early days the guilt ate me up that i had chose smoking over them and had wasted that precious time smoking rather than with them and it took a while to put that into perspective , but i have and now i still feel the guilt but just make up for it by spending extra time with the children now

    sorry for the long reply but i hope some of my experiences will help you

  • Hey Lisa,

    Please don't give yourself a hard time, it took me 3 attempts to get this quit underway, but at least I am doing it now. And you obviously have the right attitude or you would be sitting around smoking and not posting on here. The first few days are so hard, but you are trying so it will come. I think if you had lung cancer you would be coughing up blood, not sure as I am not a doctor. So the best thing you can do is talk to your doctor and say how scared you are, insist on getting thoroughly checked out, and when you get the all clear that will take away one of the obstacles to your quit. Hell, in my first 3 days I had every illness known to man and some not even discovered yet:o I kept wanting to go to hospital but didn't feel able to call an ambulance and say 'Help, I've stopped smoking', cos I thought they might take a dim view of that:D

    And you are NOT a bad mother or an alcoholic:) You are going through the process of discovering just how powerful the nicotine addiction is, and of course it's scary. BUT you keep on trying, which proves you have the guts to beat it. Now go and stuff your face with chocolate, a balanced diet means a Mars Bar in each hand:D And keep posting on here.

    Take care of yourself,

    Zoe

  • Lisa, I can only echo what everyone else has said.

    You've had a bad night, you're not feeling well and you're very anxious about your health...it doesn't make you a bad mother or a terrible person.

    I would go to the doctors...for reassurance, if nothing else.

    I don't know why people say "you'll never quit"...what do they know???

    Prove 'em wrong Lisa.

    Take it one day at a time.

    Take care

    LizzieX

  • Hi Lisa,

    Awe don't be so hard on yourself....

    I'm no expert or doctor but I'm sure we've all fell victim of the dreaded t'internet illness drama diagnostics..... dum dum dum :confused:

    You know what I mean where a a minor head ache can't possibly be anything less than a brain tumor, or a muscle pain must be the onset of a major heart attack :eek: (us men are brilliant at that game...:D)

    I must admit though that I think drinking whiskey on Day 3 of your quit is a little 'daft' espeacially when you don't normally drink alchohol :rolleyes:

    Spend some time reading post on here and you'll soon find that the Nicodemon loves it when quitters drink, they become easy targets.

    So note to self... DO NOT DRINK SO EARLY IN QUIT !!!

    Seriously though, if I was you,

    Apologise to hubby for acting like a ***** and explain that you got yourself all worked up. (your son doesn't need to know anything)

    Be brave and go and see your doctor in order to get re-assured that you have NOT got lung cancer. Nothing else will give you the re-assurance you need.

    May be consider trying Champix to help you quit ?... Personally I think they are absolutely Fantastic, I'm 15 days in and would have never got anywhere near quitting without them, they really take the physical craves away.

    They don't suit everyone, so speak to your doctor but would highly recommend them.

    There, consider yourself told !! lol

    Whatever you decide, good luck and the fact you have realised your silly mistake and posted on here tells me you will crack this quitting lark !

    Good Luck

    Jay

  • Hi Lisa im sorry to read that you are struggling like this, but its good for me to be reminded of what smoking is really like. I agree that you get yourself checked out with your gp. definately steer clear of alcohol for a while.and realize that its smoking that has caused this dreadful cough thing in the first place. i was like that for yrs and im so glad now that i chose to do something about it, i think your about to do that too. do whatever it takes to quit, it can be done if i can do it ,you definately can.

    Mash:cool:

  • Thanks

    Thanks everyone, after a lie down I still feel rubbish. Mostly hangover...not used to it. I'm going to the docs tomorrow or going to ring them, even though I also went at the start of the week. I guess I also freaked out that she said I needed some lung function tests in 6 weeks time. That and having realised that I've smoked for ages...17 years not the 14 I originally thought. That's nearly half my life, how sad.

    Yeah completely stupid to drink alcohol...I think I'll leave it a very long time before I drink alcohol at all. I just don't know why I did it, I think a large part was anxiety and scaring myself...it was all a bit weird. Thankyou everyone for your support and reassurance, it's really helped. My husband was angry at some of the things I said but is amazingly understanding, we've also been together 17 years. I'm finding it sad that I smoked for as long as I've known him (slightly longer as I'd started just before we met).

    Been a few hours now since having a cigarette and the nicodemon is strong...but I choose life...thanks guys (am crying again now, but definately in a happier way).

    Lisa

  • Hey Lisa - bit of a bad day, huh?! But as you can see, everyone here has rallied round, so at least you should feel a bit less isolated in your experience.

    Glad you are seeing the doctor, as we can't do medical advice here. However, I can share my experience with you - quite frankly, my days of coughing up gunk diminished as my lungs became more damaged over time. If you think about the noxious substances that have been deposited there, then any lung in its right mind would find a way to get rid of it as efficiently as possible! The body is an amazingly resilient thing, and the chances are, you will recover fairly quickly from this if you can sustain your quit.

    You have indicated that you have tried to stop several times in the past. Maybe one of the things that you need to think about is what are you going to do differently this time? Someone very wise once pointed out that if you keep doing the same thing in the same way, then you can pretty much expect the same results each time. It sounds to me as if you really need to be aiming for a different outcome this time because you are losing tolerance for this smoking lark. Maybe another discussion with your doctor about different options?

    I really hope you have a more peaceful evening. Emotionally, everything gets distorted and magnified in the early days of quitting, so try to keep things as much in perspective as you can. Good luck with the doctor tomorrow, and let us know how you got on.

  • Ahh bless you Lisa, sounds like you've had a terrible night.

    All good advice above and I can't add much other than to say that when your time is right you will easily cope with quitting. Get your mind strong and you can do do this. Don't punish yourself, you are trying to achieve something difficult that only a smoker/ex smoker will understand, and I'm sure we've all behaved in ways we regret during quitting (my OH will vouch for my mega tantrums I'm sure:eek:). You will succeed, as long as you keep trying, and don't worry about being emotional about it either, scream, shout, cry and rage as much as you like, anything goes on this forum where achieving a quit is concerned!!

    Take care

    Pip

  • I've been thinking about why I keep failing all day...I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. That's why I've decided to go cold turkey. Every previous time I've attempted to quit I've used patches. Thinking about why I fail, after a while on patches I get frustrated...I'm obviously still getting my hit of nicotine but it isn't the same as smoking. So after a few days, or even weeks I get fedup of feeling patially satiated and just think bugger it, "I'm going to smoke". I just feel, for me, it's a if the patches might be prolonging everything. Nearly every ex-smoker I know has given up cold turkey, my dad (ex-smoker for 10 years+), my mother-in-law (the same), my aunt, uncle, and colleagues at work. The one work colleague who gave up ages ago using nicotine gum was still addicted to the gum (she's just stopped using it) even though she hasn't smoked in years. I think if I face this thing head on...then I truly know and understand what I'm going through. It might not work but the patches aren't working for me...thanks for helping me realise that.

    I also think my mindset has been wrong....thinking about "I've got to give these things up", but the thought of actually doing it is terrifying as they have been a massive part of my life since university. I s'pose I'm not giving anything up really as it's me that doesn't want to smoke anymore.

    I was considering CHampix but my husband and I are trying for another baby and I don't know if you can take them if I get pregnant.

    Seems like I have to think about this some more..thanks. Again cheers everyone.

  • Yes thinking about previous failed quits...I normally cave in at around the time I have to reduce the dosage of nicotine via the patches...about week 6-8 from 21mg to 14mg (once I got to week 12 and then caved). Any reduction in the dosage usually swiftly follows with a relapse....so my brain clearly loves nicotine (like everyone else). I just have to face reality and just stop getting nicotine. Whether it's straight away or by patches I'm gonna have to cope nicotine-free some day. I think the patches are prolonging it. It's funny as I type about nicotine and patches and fags...I so desperately want any of the above.

  • Hey Lisa,

    I tried patches but only lasted two days, then had a puff on an e-cig and then went for the real thing.... don't need to say what happened next!!

    I think the patches are prolonging it. It's funny as I type about nicotine and patches and fags...I so desperately want any of the above.

    Strange that you should say that, cos I keep feeling like a belt of nicotine to reassure myself I don't really want a fag, and I still have some patches and inhalator cartridges left from a previous attempt. Ooh eck:eek: But if I put nicotine back into my system now I reckon it would be a spectacular disaster after 5 weeks.

    And you are right, patches do prolong the agony as we all have to go through the nicotine withdrawal sometime, so why use patches and have to do it twice??

    I so like your attitude, and if you can do cold turkey then go for it. A friend of mine did that about six years ago when she was pregnant, and has never looked back and now has two kids:) Her OH took a little longer (men huh:confused:) but even he has been smoke-free for three years now.

    So stay positive, cos you can do it:)

    Zoe

  • Oh lisa ((((hugs)))) I'm so sorry you've been so unhappy. Don't be so hard on yourself!

    I applaud your decision to go CT, it certainly worked for me. But you're going to need to have your head in the right place. So I second the advice to go and see your GP, and tell them the truth about how anxious you feel. You need to put these health scares out of the way or you're going to drive yourself nutso, and nutso is not what you need!

    Arm yourself for the tough days of withdrawal with lots of things to keep you busy, lots of snacks and cold water. Read, read, read. I know you've heard this a bunch of times but it's important stuff and helps you to stay focused in those first few days.

    I think most of us considered smoking to be crucial to our identity. All of us believed that it helped us through stress, anxiety, boredom, social situations, whatever. But once you let go of that crutch and start walking unaided, it doesn't take long before you realise that cigarettes aren't these magical things that cure your ills and represent who you are and all that malarkey. They're just expensive, stinky, poisonous pieces of paper and weed, and nothing more.

    I know that you have got the strength in you to do this. So hold your head high, take a deep breath, and break free. Nuts to nicotene!

    Yours in fresh-airdom,

    Helen x

  • Hi lisa

    First of all stopp being so hard on yourself you got to day three last time so thats your first target!!!

    cold turkey although hard is in my opinoin the only way forward and the worst problem is the thinking about it first.

    the symtons you were having could easily be the body starting to recover but if you are worried then you should seek medical advice. hope you can stay strong and wishing you all the best:)

  • Thanks again everyone...yeah Karri defo all about willpower but I don't think the patches or any type of NRT is for me. I've tried so many times with them and failed. Whatever floats your boat concerning staying quit, NRT, Champix, CT as long as it isn't cigarettes. I've now gone over 11 hours cold turkey which is unbelievable. Apparently I have only ever done this once before...according to the OH (I can't remember it) and guess what the longest I ever gave up was apparently cold turkey...the very first time I tried.....many, many years ago (he has a memory like a razor). I wasn't even aware I'd tried it, so there you go. My dad and I are very alike...bloody stubborn so if he can do it CT then so can I! I also think you have to be a bloody stubborn kind of person to be a smoker anyways.....why else would you be so determined to get past those awful first few drags on a ciggie as a newbie smoker (I know the nicotine, but my mom tried smoking and immediately went no siree, bog off!).

    Hotandcold - I was just worried about my cough/sore throat/hoarse voice as I didn't have an obvious bout of a cold to bring it on. Also it came on about 2 weeks ago whilst still chuffin on the fags. Usually when I give up smoking the cough etc goes away but I'd given up 3 days and they weren't going so I got a bit freaked. Gotta have more patience and less wild imaginings I guess. Oh and the rest of the whisky has been hidden by the OH...No more drinkypoos nibbling away my will power.

    Sorry for going on...thanks all again for you lovely advice and kind words. Somewhere over the next few days I might not feel like a pratt. Hope I get some sleep tonight and have asked my OH to help me tomorrow morning as the first morning on day 2 is a bitch I reckon without a patch or anything. XXXXXXXXXXXX

  • Hiya Lisa

    Dont be so hard on yourself and dont feel ashamed. You had a blow out, so what! You dont normally drink a lot and you did on one night its not the end of the world.

    As for your quit, you have done 3 days, get right back on the horse and go for it. Use this forum all you need, I know I do and its my lifeline.

    Like you I have tried patches and anything else I could lay my hands on, whether it cost me a lot of money or not. At one point I paid over £100 for hypnotherapy, walked out and lit up, another time it was e cigarettes £65 for them and the capsules, lasted about a day.

    This time I started with patches and lozenges, for two weeks I fretted about coming down a level until in the end I stopped using them I thought it would be better to get rid of them now rather than worry myself into smoking again.

    At the moment Im using about 6 low strength lozenges a day. I use them when I have a strong urge Im just waiting for when I feel I should stop these too.

    What Im trying to say in all of this ramble is do what you think is best for you, read, read and read more. Write on here as often as you want, not just the good days but also the bad, as sometimes just writing it down and getting feedback is more than enough to keep you going.

    Own your quit and make sure its for you and you will overcome this.

    Good luck and we are all with you.

    Lillie xx

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