Sad when "friends" show their true colours

I've just spoken to someone I considered to be a very good friend for the first time since I quit and was horrified by the reaction I got to my, what I think of as, brilliant news.

I'd not told anyone I was planning to quit this time, because I didn't want the constant have you quit yet? how's it going? how are you coping? bombardment I got last time. That made me feel like I was doing it for everyone else and not for me.

I've just told people I've not had a cigarette for x amount of days when I've been offered one or asked to go on a cig break. However, the friend (who is a smoker) I've just spoken to asked what's been going on since we last spoke and I told him I'd quit smoking for almost two weeks. The converstation went like this from that point:

Him: "why?"

Me: "Because I don't want to die a horrible agonising death while those I love have to watch helplessly and I want to spend my money on something worthwhile rather than a dried out weed soaked in chemicals and wrapped up in some paper with a bit of sponge shoved in the end of it.

I'm feeling pretty good about it and this time I really feel like this is it. I've changed my attitude towards it this time (I met him as a new friend during my last six-month quit). I am not thinking 'you can not have a cigarette under any circumstances', rather I am thinking 'nobody is stopping you from smoking, but, really, do you actually want one? no you don't.' It makes it feel less of a chore and more like a free choice I have made and it really is going very well this time."

Him: "Well, I just don't see the point of you quitting. You don't have any kids, so if you live longer, you'll be dying alone anyway. I'd rather die earlier than alone."

Me: "Do you realise how mental that sounds?"

Him: "I love smoking and I don't get why people quit. I spend loads of times working at home alone and I know I'd get bored silly if I didn't smoke."

Me: "I'm not trying to force you to quit, it's your life and your body, it's entirely up to you what you do with it, but how can you say it relieves bordem when you are doing a repetitive action while smoking. Maybe it's not bordem relief but just a reason to have a break from work. I've just been walking round the garden pulling up the odd weed here and there to get away from the computer instead."

Him: "But I still can't understand why you've quit. I love everything about it, the taste, the smell, the comfort."

Me: "I'm sorry, but I don't. In fact, I can honestly say I hate everything about it now. Like I said, I'm not trying to force you to quit, you can do whatever you want with your life. Just telling you that's my big news at the moment."

Him: "I can see us falling out over this. I liked being around you because you were a smoker like me."

Me: "WTF? You mean you aren't my friend because you like being with me?"

Him: "Well yes, I like being with you, but I don't think I'll like you as much as a non-smoker."

I pretty much made my excuses and ended the conversation there. I couldn't believe it. I guess it was guilt or jeaslousy "don't leave me on the sinking ship alone". It upset me at first, but now I just pity him because the nicodemon has obviously got his claws in so deep that he is more important to him than real friends.

I'll leave it a while until I get in touch with him again, but man I wasn't expecting that!:confused:

24 Replies

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  • That would upset anyone... it sounds like the typical 'in denial' smoker conversation... you were obviously not forcing them to quit but the fact that you quit AND you're enjoying it is theatening them... that's all.

    When I first quit by brother's reaction was 'you're such an idiot, why would you do that?!'... I found out yesterday he's started smoking on the weekends (EVERY weekend might I add) when he's 'drunk'. I asked him why and he said he enjoyed it and thought it was 'cool'... bear in mind he's almost 24! Never even touched a cig in his teenage years.

    You'd think he's got more sense than that at that age.. but then I realised just how deep in denial nicotine addiction can take you... and like you said at the end of you post... You have to really feel sorry for these people because they are just how you used to be... Imagine needing that fix again!

  • Hi Trandem,

    Poor poor you, how horrible for you - not what you need at all. Can totally understand why you are p***ed off - encouragement is what you need, and failing that a 'well done mate' would probably have sufficed.

    But, and there is a BIG but, even though what he said hurt you and was totally out of order (I would have probably got really angry!!), can you see now how bad the addiction is and that was probably you, me, and everyone else on here a while back....proving that you have come A LONG way!! See how ridiculous he sounds, how putting cancer sticks first, before anything including friendship, is just mind-boggling to the non-addict!!

    Guess what I am trying to say is, turn this around...yes it is hurtful, yes its unfair and tbh, what a total k**b, BUT....you argued against it, you didn't believe him, you know it not to be true...and that my friend is AN AMAZING ACHIEVEMENT!!! :D

  • wow just goes to show that he isnt a real friend after all big hugs to you as that is def a big bummer you need support especially with people that still smoke my sister who i share a house with still smokes but she has been one of my biggest fans for giving up its actually helped me sharing a house with a smoker as when i am out and see someone smoking and smell the smoke im not automatically thinking god i need a ciggy infact the last few days everytime i smell it i just think yuk

    hugs

    carol x

  • I think you've missed the point. I made it quite clear that continuing to smoke is his choice and that he is quite entitled to do whatever he wants. This conversation just came about as the result of the question "so what's new with you then?"

    And I am certainly not harping on about it too people around me, like I said, I'm only telling people I see on a daily basis that I've quit when they are offering me cigs or asking me to go outside for a fag in the cold with them To which I am just sayin, "not thanks, I actually haven't had a fag for x days"

    And thanks Michael for suggesting my personality is so s**t that at least one of my friends was honest enough to say "the only thing that is good about you is the fact that you smoke."

    Cheers a lot. I won't be coming on here any more now. This is not the crap I need to be hearing

  • Trandem

    Please dont disapear mate. I dont know about anyone else but we are all here for you. Dont let that response get to you, ok its not worth it.

    Please when your ready come back and get the support we all need.

    Take care my friend :)

    Michael

    Im not going to harp on but that was a little harsh :(. I know that we can say within reason what we like but we are meant to support each other and maybe your comment was a little below the belt. Never mind hopefully trandem will come back. Sometimes honesty is not the best policy.

  • Soory but when people who are allegedly in the same noat as you start throwing crap around like that, this is not the place I want to be.

    Thanks to that comment, I've now had two massive blows today and gone from being in a really positive place about my quit to feeling really down and depressed about it.

    I would suggest Michael that you read my OP again as you have obviously missed the point and perhaps keep your harsh comments for people who aren't trying to get through one of the toughest things in theirs lives.

  • I'm sorry, but I thought friends, especially close ones, were supposed to be happy for you when you did something positive, not say that you should keep trying to poison yourself and that they'll fall out with you if you don't.

    I know I've been really supportive of friends who've quit while I was still somking 40+ a day. I certainly wouldn't tell a friend we'll be less close if they didn't continue to smoke.

    Thanks Michael for making my crap day even crapper and making me feel so low. I hope you are proud of yourself, good luck with your quest to help people quit smoking, if this is your take on it, then you've got a bloomin' long way to go.

  • What a very sad life you must lead if you think your friends are only your friends because of an addiction you have. Friends are supposed to care about you, not tell you that unless you continue killing yourself they don't want to know you.

    Thanks a lot Michael for making me doubt myself. For the first time since I quit I am now seriously considering smoking again. Maybe then I'll have some of the "real firends" you're on about and we can all die in agony together.

  • No Michael, you said my friend was being honest si the only reasin I have that friend is because I am a smoker. So that's what I am going to stay.

  • trandem nooooooooooooooooooooooooo you cant go we quit on same day, its day 13 today, dont you be going x

  • Hi all, it’s sad to see a thread that has hit a bit of a sad place, I think what we have to remember when we quit smoking is that we all have our own points of view and we have to be careful not to step over the line when posting on someone’s thread or even when replying to posts on our own threads, we all need to bear in mind that we are fundamentally different and so human.

    Sometimes friends can react strangely when we quit smoking, maybe they find it hard to still associate with someone who used to smoke but now has found the strength to give up when they are still addicted, also do try and remember that we are still very vulnerable and we can be touchy as well so best to just see that not everything others say will always be what we want to hear.

    Give your friend time I am sure that he will come to except what you are doing and find that you are still the same person you were before, and if he doesnt then maybe you want be too bothered.

    Leaving the site and putting your quit at risk because some one else voices there point of view would be the wrong road to take.

    Rememeber that on here we encourage free speach, just all be aware that sometimes the free speach if written without too much thought can hurt others.

    Well done all those quitting one of the hardest drugs to give up.

  • I think what michael was saying is that not everyone will share your opinion, some people genuinely enjoy smoking, and can't understand why people stop. Your friend maybe shouldn't have been so harsh and just said well done mate. When I quit 5 years ago, my bf suddenly drifted away, a few years down the line she said that when i'd quit i'd become very "preachy" and she was pissed off with me always saying that she stunk of fags (she did!)

    I'm one of those people who was like your friend in as much as i LOVED smoking, i enjoyed every fag i smoked. I loved the taste, the smell, the sensation, everything. I've quit for my kids, no other reason. I want to live a long life and be there for them. I would take what your friend said with a pinch of salt hun, we all can't have the same opinion. Don't leave this site, and the support here because you didn't appreciate one persons comment, you've come so far and we are all here for you, willing you on :)

  • I don't think Trandem had a problem with other people having different opinions... I think maybe she was just trying to vent and someone didn't read the post properly and now all this has happened.

    Eitherway, I know I'm much happier weeding out the real friends from the fake friends because I don't smoke now. There are some friends that haven't been supportive really but that I still enjoy spending time with. Then again, there are some at work that I wonder now how I ever used to have a conversation with them! The only reason I spoke to them, I see now, is because we shared that time outside having a fag.

    It's kind of sad but hey, you learn something new everyday... even if it's something as big as who your real friends are.

  • Trandem,

    Please dont quit quitting, just because someone didn't think before they opened their mouth - its not worth it. Some of us are really proud of what you have achieved and agree with you wholeheartedly....ignore the ignorant, that's what I say....

    Keep strong and you now know the people you can rely on.

    Embo :D

  • Kid gloves

    Hi Trandem,

    Just want to say that you have got to see the funny side of this. I like your friend's honesty, but it only shows how deeply addicted he is to the fags and how he is very aware of the possible consequences. Attack is the best method of defence. What he is saying is" Oh no, another one has jumped ship. I am starting to feel lonely and scared" He clearly cares for you as a friend and enjoyed your fag breaks together (not sure if he is a colleague). On any forum, sometimes things can be misinterpreted when written without screeds of clarification, so I always look on the " they didn't mean to be offensive " side, cos I know I can sound like a prat. Anything should go, just don't get upset about it. Men are poorer communicators and generally less sensitive (!) than women, so can come across badly (not on this forum of course!). When you quit smoking, it can become a permanent head-ache, we are hypersenstive to everything. The good things seem magnified but also the bad. Example, I appreciate not being so out of breath as I walk up the 3 flights of stairs to my flat, but as I put the key in the door I am already depressed that I can't go in and spark up a fag. But I accept this as part of the deal. Everything changes, your brain and body must adapt. It takes time, and, in the meantime, just take each hurdle as it comes. This forum helps a lot, so please don't ditch it. It can be a lifeline. Quitting has to be the most lonely experience as your friend has so poetically illustrated by his reaction. I have a sister who smokes like a chimney and I have not mentioned my quit to her because there is nothing to be gained from it. I know she will say "that is great" but inside, she feels hurt and abandoned. I have my own ash tray at her house (lovely marble one) and we have smoked, gossiped, drunk wine on many a happy evening. So quitting can seem like a rejection of these fond rituals to our friends. But we can still spend time together and do everything but the smoking bit. We all have to adjust to this new regime and so do they. Give your friend time, he just over-reacted in a supremely insensitive way typical of the terrified die-hard smoker. I am sure he will apologise to you. I am away from my sister at present but am already gearing up to xmas and hope not to crack with all the nicotine army out in force to capture any turncoats who look like they are wavering. We know this isn't easy but as the delightful Michael said we must take ownership (Personally I hate this pseudo Americanism office jargon nerve-jangliingly irritating espression) of our quit. He is right, but we are also right to get upset in the face of crass insensitivity when it is neither timely or just. I would tell your friend that he was hurtful and unfair, but, I reckon you won't have to, cos he will realise himself. He was just shocked by the bomb-shell !

    The main thing is to keep going and be proud of yourself for doing so well. That is all that matters. Quitting is like a house of cards. It must be protected from the elements such as rain, strong gales, and runaway trucks. Look out for the rays of sunshine! They are always around.

    Take care,

    xox

  • Wow

    My word - 3 pages devoted to one idiots response to your quiiting the old nicodevil!!

    I am impressed, and in recognition of this I think I will get in the car and mow down a smoker - now that would be worth 3 pages!!

    Any how my view is ditch the moron along wth the fags and get a new friend - I am sure there would be plenty of volunteers on this site!

    Now for more important matters has anyone seen my car keys?

  • hahahaha, John - you've really got a great sense of humour! :D

  • John,

    that really made me chuckle. There appears there is going to be alot of one eyed, squished smokers out there, not to mention unconscious horses.

    Tranderm,

    Ignore them, both your friend and the one on this site, perhaps you could get them to swap numbers and then they can both be idiots together?

    You quit for your reasons, and yes to an extent you can't expect everyone to do cartwheels for you. But, to say they are not going to be friends with you anymore is a little childish. Are you sure this is someone you actually want to be friends with??

    Sian

  • Don't have much time right now to read all pages, but what a bummer!

    I've made a few experiences like that which totally puzzled me cause my mindset of course was : everybody who smokes is trapped in the addiction and wants out. Not so :)

    Me too I was a pretty happy smoker for about 30 years or so LOL...

    But even IF your friend would want to jump the little stick wagon and get free and just doesn't want to admit it. Say, I'm your friend and I have just won the lottery. I'm all excited and tell you about it, only thing is, I can't share it with you until you yourself win the lottery :) .... kinda a similar feeling.

    That would be an awkward feeling no?

    Running off here

    will be back later.

  • Hi Notme...although what you said is true I think the main reason why trandem is upset is because of Michael and his response to her problem. I think trandem understood the friend's attitude to her not smoking anymore as she clearly states at the end of the post that she feels sorry for them!

    eitherway, hope to see you bck soon trandem

  • Cyberfight... how fun! More more! Loving all the Freuds as well... is like Eastenders here :D

    Freud no 789: Go through a "fight" without caving in and you have learned another lesson how to live without cigs. One stroppy at a time!

  • Check the CyberFight going on in the General section... it's quite legendary!

  • Have you ever read/listened to any of the Alan Carr (not the funny man) Easy Way material? Your friend (or that personality) is described to minute detail.

    I'd put money on him wanting to swap places with you and be a non smoker.

  • I'd put money on him wanting to swap places with you and be a non smoker.

    Well said! I have had to take steroids for many years as a result of getting smokers lung, and this caused me to gain weight, which I am now losing (off the steroids now). People do it with weight too, acting horrified if you have just a couple of bananas for lunch one day (despite a big breakfast and reasonable dinner) or if you spend two hours at the gym.

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