Where's the fun gone!

Ok, Feeling a bit low these last few days. I have not got a social life, and it seems to have lessened even more since quitting.

Bit of backround - single mother of two, with an ex-mother in law from hell as a childminder (she gets paid too). She believes that I should spend every second of my spare time with my children. Don't get me wrong, I love them to death, but I currently have one night out a year, as I am made to feel too guilty if I ask her to babysit more than once. The kids don't see their dad, my parents are getting on a bit, plus my daughter is a diabetic, so i can't just ask anyone to have them. Occasionally I get home from work and get to her house and she tells me the kids are staying at hers, but i never get any notice and she doesn't let me plan a night out without making me feel like an evil mother. Not to mention on my one night out a year, she tells the children how I'm out getting drunk!

I used to enjoy going out for my cigarette breaks and chatting to people from the office here and the office next door, now it seems i am stuck in my department, talking to the same people day in and day out. I get home, get blanked by the old witch, take the kids home, and then they start arguing until shower and bed time. They go to bed, i watch TV for an hour then go to bed myself, then the whole sorry routine starts again.

Everyone has stopped asking how my quit is, they think after 6 weeks that I'm cured, and now a non-smoker. I wish. I just think no-one else cares how i am getting on so why should i. I have had to physically force myself not to go into the shop and buy 10 cigarettes, as they seem like an old friend that i need to make up with.

I know I'm kidding myself really, but my mindset at the moment is that i was much happier as a smoker, and I'm sure I never got this down about anything before so i would be happier going back to smoking.

Sorry for ranting, just needed to say this to someone and no one else gives a shit!!

19 Replies

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  • Oh becks

    i felt just like you on saturday it was like you've stopped smoking now so get over it and i do need encouragement i do i'm not ashamed to say it..its not a easy thing to do giving up smoking but you are doing so well as for mil cant say not got one but dont let her get to you . she'd say those things weather you are smoking or not so hang on in there .. you can do this ..

  • Oh S**t, sounds like your having a really hard time, try to take some timeout to yourself.

    I've got 3 kids so I know how trying they can be, don't let MIL, get to you.

    Finishing up for the day of home for the dinner, homework showers etc.

    Speak to you tomorrow.

    Susan

  • Big hugs sweetie

    Oh poor you, I am sorry that you're feeling so low, thought it was just me at the moment... :(

    I know exactly how you feel - my kids are a little older than yours, but yes, when you get home from a non-event of a day at work and you just want SOMETHING to look forward to, dammit - and the kids are at each other's throats (or worse, yours) - then it is very easy to start missing your old friend the cigarette.

    Except you know it's not your friend, and never was!

    It's tough as well once the initial high of quitting has passed as well, I think, cos that can really keep you going in the early days.

    Bit of a long shot, I know, but is there any way you could speak to the old bat about a night out you'd like to have, a reward for doing so well with your quit and an opportunity to catch up with friends? If you start talking about it now, and keep bringing it up, you might wear her down eventually!

    I'm so sorry you're feeling like this Beccy, I hope it all gets better for you soon. PM me if you need a big rant - I certainly owe you! :)

    Big hugs and hang in there, there are sunnier days ahead for both of us, I know it.

    Lottie x

  • Hi right we will address each problem for its own merit

    1: Mother in Law, first what do you pay her and would you be any worse off if they were in nursery school (you can get financial help for that)

    2: They are your children and you are in charge so don’t let her bully you, and if she does threaten to take them away from her.

    3: Although it’s difficult for you to leave the children with just any one as long as the sitter knows the drill i.e. how to deal with the diabetic child then all will be fine i.e. phone numbers, they know where you are, a neighbour that knows you and children.

    4: You need some me time and time that is not reliant on Mother In Law, so if you are in contact with the Dad then ask him to have them once a fortnight or month whichever, if that’s not possible then get in contact with the diabetic society they have social events that you can go to taking the kids along, not perfect I know but gets you out of the house and give you other interests. If there are not groups in your area then start one.

    Some of these things cost money but you have stopped smoking so there is a little extra that you would normally spend on cigs.

    Im not sure if any of this helps but some times breaking problems down into more manageable portions can help, Good Luck.

    If I lived nearer would offer to baby sit but sos to far away xx

  • Becky, if I was nearer I would give you night off...

    Angie is right, you need to stand up to MIL and remind her just who is the mother of these children. I would suggest that the next time she springs the children staying with her have something up your sleeve that the children would love even more...e.g.."sorry they cant tonight I have arranged to take them swimming/to McDonalds/bowling OR do baking/etc etc you get the picture"...kids will love you (more) and MIL will be well and truly beaten into submission without an argument.

    Sort out ex...need at least 1 night a fortnight off...he should be stepping in, if not get a babysitter...

    Oh and....you are amazing, you have quit smoking and that means you can do pretty much anything you set your mind to my love...stick it out and it will get better I PROMISE..there is light at the end of the tunnel

    Stay strong and a huge hug xx

  • Awh Beccy - first of all big hugs. You've been one of the stalwarts that's helped me on my quit journey so maybe it's time to let us try to help you!

    I've discovered that certain people are annoying me since I quit. Talking to my dad (ex smoker), he says this is normal. You are suddenly aware of more around you as you're paying attention more - whereas before it was feasible to switch off and indulge in the ciggie.

    I've felt for weeks that I'm missing out on something. I'm like you - crap social life, except mines is because I work away from home and the OH is disabled so when I get home, I'm his carer. I've got two grown up teenagers who have their own life and all of a sudden I've realised that I have no life!

    I saw a badge yesterday that said: "Your body is a temple, mine's is a theme park!" A bit of me hankered after the theme park (I've gave up drinking 18 months ago) life style as I feel so boring and empty.

    However today was at my docs and although not the usual horrible one, this doctor was very pleased with me when I told her I'd not only given up but ditched the patches too. My sister in law came in this afternoon to see my OH as it is his birthday today. She smoked about 10 ciggies in a few hours, the smell was vile and said that if fags go over £5 per packet then she'll stop as she couldn't afford to smoke. She stopped last year for five months and started again! Now that's scary but you know what, it made me more determined not to smoke again.

    I have no sensible solution for the MIL issue (mine's is long dead so don't have that issue anymore - ironically she smoked herself into an early grave). But I do know that your quit has only made you look at things differently. That might be bad just now but will be great in the future.

    How about arranging a night in for your friends? Dinner, playing the Wii etc? And get your ex to take some of the slack so that you can have a night out and enjoy it. Is there any way of getting a babysitting circle set up?

    Hope you feel better soon - I'm off this week so PM me if you want to chat...

  • Bless you all!

    Thanks so much everyone, I have just re-read my original post, and was like bloody hell beccy!! I really threw my toys out the pram didn't I!!

    The mother in law has always been nasty, she comes from a tiny village in northern ireland where all her sisters and mum lived in the same street and they all have the old beliefs that you should put your husband and children in the centre of your life and no-one else should matter. She herself has got no friends, neither has her husband, so it's just those two. She believes that her way is right and there's no telling her otherwise. She told me the other day that 22nd Feb is the longest day of the year, and would not have it any other way, I told her it was 21st june and how could it be Feb when it was still dark at 5pm, but no she's always right!! I have told her once before that I didn't want her looking after my kids anymore as she was poisoning them against me but tbh what I pay her wouldn't cover a "proper" childminder. Plus I have to drop the kids off at 6.30 every morning (poor darlings) and I can't see many childminders put up with that. Some people think I over-react about her, as she does feed them breakfast and dinner, and washes and irons their school uniform, but she does really have an evil streak, and it's not as if she looks after her first two grandchildren for free!!

    Her son (my ex) has moved on, got 2 kids with his new wife, plus her two from previous relationship. I hate him with a passion, he was a complete control freak just like his mother, so am happy that I haven't spoken to him for the last 7 years. He sees the kids about twice a year and spoils them rotten, always buys them big expensive Christmas presents, so they think he's great!! they'll learn. My son (11) is starting to get him! My daughter (8) will catch on soon. I did hear her telling someone recently that she didn't have a dad! Did make me smile, but not in front of her!!

    Anyway, I stopped at the shop on the way home............but didn't buy any fags!!! You are all so right, I'd still have an old bitch for an ex MIL and a shit life whether i smoke or not!!!

    Joking, I'm feeling a bit better now - honestly!! I think I just needed a rant, and it did help!

    I feel a bit silly now, but thank you all so much for your kind messages, it really did cheer me up!

    xxxx

  • Hi Beccy,

    I am so sorry you have such a bad time with you MIL.

    As you have said smoking won't change her (sadly) or anything else. Someone said they had bought a punchbag from Argos I think. maybe you should get one from your not smoking money then you can pretend it's her or your ex when your feeling yuck. :D Just a thought.

    Is there no one else you would trust to babysit for you so you can get out?

    if you lived in Northampton I'd do it ;)

    Keep strong hun, don't let other people be the ones to make you lose your quit. None of them are worth it ;)

    gaynor xx

  • Hey Beccy,

    Don't worry about your rant, you should check mine out about a hen nite I went too.. argh.

    Ohhh I do feel for you, but one thing I couldn't help observing was your MIL believes that kids come before anything else.. EXCEPT before money. Because she makes sure she gets paid for looking after them! Wow.

    We all have different sh*tty situations that we somehow think would be better if we could just have our smoking lives back again, but in reality it would still be sh*t plus we'd smoke. I do know what you mean about not being so social without cigarettes. I used to get away from my desk and chat with the smokers at my fag break, I met so many great people. I don't anymore, I just sit at my desk. But the reality is, we can still go outside, just pretend to send a text or clear your phone or something....

  • Hey Beccy,

    But the reality is, we can still go outside, just pretend to send a text or clear your phone or something....

    ........but stand down wind LOl :D

    Gaynor x

  • Ooh, passive smoking!

    Very naughty, but I like that idea!! Still don't think i am brave enough to stand outside with the smokers yet though! I'll just go and get more tea's during the day instead, that gets me away from my desk for a few minutes.

  • hey beccy xxx awh u poor girl xxx so much stress xxxx I understand the feeling of missing smoking for a break ..like your time..your pack of 10 xxx ive felt like that ..just to get away from the same routine everyday .....However just remember nothing changes if you smoked....Your will be just so better off in every way not smoking( not needing to list reasons :) ) & i also get the other people thing with thinking hey shes quit now..over with no more said ....

    Well we all know how flipping hard it is at times & We will always support & understand no matter how many days, weeks or months into the quit xxx

    keep going babe..Quit for keeps xxxx

    ps..passive smoking mmmmmm xxx:D

  • hi everyone

    Sorry for my childish tantrum yesterday, feeling a bit better today, and very sheepish!!

    I bypassed at least 4 cigarette selling establishments this morning and didn't even think about buying them so am obviously better, as yesterday I had to cross the road to stop myself going in!

    :o

  • Morning Beccyboo,

    No apologies needed, crikey, I would need to let off steam if I where you as well.

    Hope you have a better, not thinking of ciggies, day :D

    Gaynor x

  • Let it out....

    Why apologise ? Doesn't it feel so much better to vent on here ? Someone p'd me right off at work 2 weeks ago and I felt so much better after throwing a few teddies on here.

    Well done on avoiding temptations when people are testing you and glad you're feeling better today.

    Later...

  • Ok, Feeling a bit low these last few days. I have not got a social life, and it seems to have lessened even more since quitting.

    Bit of backround - single mother of two, with an ex-mother in law from hell as a childminder (she gets paid too). She believes that I should spend every second of my spare time with my children. Don't get me wrong, I love them to death, but I currently have one night out a year, as I am made to feel too guilty if I ask her to babysit more than once. The kids don't see their dad, my parents are getting on a bit, plus my daughter is a diabetic, so i can't just ask anyone to have them. Occasionally I get home from work and get to her house and she tells me the kids are staying at hers, but i never get any notice and she doesn't let me plan a night out without making me feel like an evil mother. Not to mention on my one night out a year, she tells the children how I'm out getting drunk!

    I used to enjoy going out for my cigarette breaks and chatting to people from the office here and the office next door, now it seems i am stuck in my department, talking to the same people day in and day out. I get home, get blanked by the old witch, take the kids home, and then they start arguing until shower and bed time. They go to bed, i watch TV for an hour then go to bed myself, then the whole sorry routine starts again.

    Everyone has stopped asking how my quit is, they think after 6 weeks that I'm cured, and now a non-smoker. I wish. I just think no-one else cares how i am getting on so why should i. I have had to physically force myself not to go into the shop and buy 10 cigarettes, as they seem like an old friend that i need to make up with.

    I know I'm kidding myself really, but my mindset at the moment is that i was much happier as a smoker, and I'm sure I never got this down about anything before so i would be happier going back to smoking.

    Sorry for ranting, just needed to say this to someone and no one else gives a shit!!

    I used to think the same, but imagine this how sad it is that we think that smoking is what makes us happy, a stick full of posionous substances which in fact

    1. Decerases blood flow to different parts of our body

    2. A constant source of toxins

    3. Affecting our oxygen flow which is the most important part of our system

    Theres many more, also dont expect people to commend you for not smoking, you should be praising yourself for what you have done, for giving life a second chance.

    One last tip, talk to anyone older than you and they would say they would give any thing to be your age again, feel lucky and happy that you living, you have money, food, a job, etc etc, there are so many things that you need to look at and feel happy..

    Happiness is all a state of mind, if you are really happy than nothing external will affect it, simple. Be strong and remember you get one chance at life, BE HAPPY...

  • Happier now!!

    Have just been on a lunchtime run round the scenic river thames. Compared to last weeks rubbish effort that ended up with me throwing another epic tantrum along the lines of "what's the point of giving up smoking if I'm still going to be rubbish at exercise", this weeks was much much better, feeling quite good now!!:o

  • Yay!

    You are now at the 'going for a run' stage instead of the 'thinking about going for a run' stage, how good is that?!

    Well done you, I take my hat off to you BeccyBoo! :)

    Right - that's me inspired... definitely gym tonight...

    Lottie x

  • I'd like to run but I get a numb foot...I walk like a chicken instead.

    Stopping smoking whilst going through all that other rubbish pretty much makes you the strongest person in your world. Ignore the mother in law, I went through something similar when I was younger (my parents went through a 7 year divorce); was lied to frequently and got caught in all the fighting rubbish. Kids aren't stupid...they're born with bull sh*t filters.

    Sounds to me like your m-i-l is the weakest and most threatened person in your world :

    Chin up and enjoy pounding those pavements.

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