I’ve been married to my husband who has MS for several years. Since our toddler was born, it’s been very stressful, not to mention we’ve had other major life events that have added stress as well. Our marriage has been rocky for a few years. A few months ago, my husband had a flare up and his symptoms worsened and he had to go on short term disability. Financially we are fine, but he has no idea when he will be able to return to work because he has difficulty concentrating and thinking, pain in his hands and feet, double vision sometimes, balance issues, etc. He blames his flare up on me and our marital issues. He wants a separation. I have tried multiple times to broach the subject of depression, but he refuses to acknowledge that he could possibly have depression. His personality has changed and he is often irritated with me. I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells and I can’t do anything right by him. He has a laundry list of things that I need to change, but he has many of the same flaws. However, if I dare remind him of his faults, he blows up. He wasn’t always this way. He claims that he used to be more patient and tolerant with me at the expense of his own happiness and now he doesn’t like the way I am anymore. How do I help him get help for his mental health when he refuses to listen to me or his family?
Emotional support for wife of husband wi... - My MSAA Community
Emotional support for wife of husband with MS
Welcome! I'm sorry for what you are going through, and it sounds miserable. I don't know if he would go to couples therapy, but that seems to be a good place to start if he wants to separate.
Hi Vancouvergal. So sorry you are having to deal with this miserable situation. I have to start by saying that I learned a very painful lesson when trying to help a loved one with similar issues. I begged and pleaded and tried everything, but nothing I said or did made a bit of difference. I finally learned, through therapy and counseling, that you cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. My ex suffered with severe depression, mood changes, and addiction issues, and absolutely refused help under any circumstances. In my case, I had to finally make the decision to walk away for my own self-preservation.
I can only suggest that you might find some much needed help, support and perspective for yourself with a good therapist. It doesn't sound like your spouse would agree to couples therapy, but you can try to persuade him. Another option is an intervention with you and family members attempting to convince him to get help, but sometimes hearing from family members does not work either. It sounds like you already tried this, and it failed.
Another option, if he is under the care of a Neurologist, is perhaps a visit by the two of you together where the Neurologist could explain that M.S. can cause these mood swings and depression, and might be enough to convince your husband that his disease is causing these changes, and help is available. Maybe hearing it from his doctor would make a difference.
I wish you the best. I hope that you can find help either for him or for yourself. Please know we are here for you. All the best.
He there and welcome! Wow, you’re going through a lot. I’m sorry! I’m going to agree with the other comments and suggest marriage counseling or counseling for you if he won’t go. I think this would be very helpful for you! And also agree with the other comment, that you can’t help those who don’t want to be helped. Hoping things get better for you 🩷
thats the pits. Im so sorry to hear this. It seems counseling would be a good thing. For yourself if he won’t go. Something to help you deal with his narcissistic behavior. Thats so hard on you. Keeping a running list of his infractions you are having to deal with/what he’s done to you (with dates when they’re done) may help with keeping up with things that are happening so you can at least free your mind of having to remember every detail of what he has done so you can accurately discuss the narcissistic behavior you’re having to endure with a counselor. Youve got to take care of yourself so you can take care of others!
I would think his neurologist could recommend counseling for your husband if that would be of any influence to him
Hello, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have nothing new to offer, I agree with what's been said. I would definitely speak with his neurologist, because these are all symptoms of MS that he is exhibiting. You can't make him get help if he doesn't want it, but you can help yourself by getting counseling and staying strong for you and your child. My prayers are with you.
Hello Vancouvergal, I think your husband is feeling a loss of control and is afraid and very angry. Depression can be like putting on grey tinted glasses, which makes a person see everything negatively. This can make a person very sad, but also angry, looking for a cause, someone or something to blame. He is pushing out all of it on you by saying the stress you cause led to his flare up. A very long time ago a wonderful MS neurologist told me that stress sometimes brings on symptoms, but sometimes it does not. In other words, don't blame everything on stress. I think your husband has a lot to learn about acceptance. Many here will know that acceptance is powerful and that it doesn't mean giving up. I wonder if he is part of an MS support group, as that might help him.
My friend, you are alone here! One thing I love about our community; “we share and we care “ about each other! First, make sure you take care of you! It might be helpful to join a MS family Support Group for Caregivers, you can also look into a group for the both of you. Don’t know your spiritual life, but “couples counseling “ is usually available in the Faith Based Community. Praying for a resolution and healing for your hubby with inner peace! It may be a slow process, and only you know how much you are able to endure. Prayers and Love ❤️ sent your way! Blessings. NeeC
Sorry, not Alone here! Typing too fast!
Depression is VERY common in people with MS I've heard. He may need a med for that (maybe even without him even knowing about it).
as we approach this Christmas season healing comes in many ways. You and your husband will find what is important and what you need to do to move on in the moment. We cannot ask for help if we don’t know how. There are many support groups that may help and I hope you find them this season. Don’t know hope that there are ways to handle each situation together. Peace this season as you move forward together.😇
Lots of sound advice has been shared with you, Vancouvergal . While I cannot add more, I can offer you my prayers. 🙏
😘In this season I wish you gifts of PATIENCE and WISDOM.Like the wise men we are women of FAITH. CHANGE is hard no matter when, but step back and see little miracles enter your life? PEACE TO YOUR FAMILY!
I think Greentime had the best response. Your husband is feeling vulnerable and afraid and wants to make sure that you will stick with him to the end. I went through this with my husband. He wanted a divorce, too. Your husband may or may not be depressed - the symptoms you describe can also be feelings of fear and anger at his situation.
Only you can decide if your marriage is worth it. There are precedents for divorce in these situations. Stephen Hawking's first wife divorced him after years of caregiving. He was too narcissistic. I recommend the documentary called When I Walk by Jason Dasilva. His wife divorced him; it was too hard for her. Caregiving is hard and you are young to give up your life to it. But, some people do. It depends on what you want out of life. Relationships are important.
I had 40 years with my husband when he started talking about a divorce because he was afraid that I would warehouse him. I was not willing to give up the relationship - too important to me. I doubled down on letting him know I cared about him and would be there for him to the end. Do I still get frustrated and irritated with the demands put upon me? Yes!! But, in the end, this is what I would want from him after 40 years together. And, I am lucky that my husband is kind and a good patient, not narcissistic. That's the only way the patient/caregiver situation can work - both people have to be kind to each other. I'm still working on that. :/
unfortunately, life events don't check to see if you have ms before crashing down on your head. if only...i'm so sorry you're going through this. it's really hard when you watch someone you love struggling, KNOW that there's help for them and they refuse it. i have been both the loved ill person and the family member of an ill person. while it's harder to be the ill person, as we not only struggle with the illness(es), but also with guilt for being ill and how it affects our loved ones, the first thing i have to say after watching my mum deal with my dad's illnesses and how she completely lay down to be his doormat, is:
if you are unwell, who will help him? by that i mean, you have to take care of yourself first. it's like on an aeroplane when they say to put on your mask before you put on anyone else's because if you pass out trying to put on theirs, you both die. even from your post, i can tell you're worrying for him and sort of glossing over the emotional damage he's doing you. yes, you mentioned it, but you're still focused on him.
it doesn't really matter if it's my dad's diabetes, when he seemed intent on only eating fried foods and sweets ,or when he ignored his parkinson's and decided he'd just lie around all day and do nothing...ultimately, it's his problem and he's responsible for it. you are responsible for you. you are only responsible for your wellbeing. i'm glad you don't have to worry about finances at the moment, but what about the psychological pain he's doing you every time he projects his feelings of insecurity onto you (my guess for his illogical blaming of you)? not only that, but your kid is watching this dynamic. i remember wondering as a child how adults so quickly forgot that kids see everything.
have you considered therapy for you? because you deserve it. and so does your kid. there's no quick fix for your husband. i'm sure he feels useless at times, worries about your perception of him as a man and a father, fears what will go wrong with his body next, but you are not his therapist, punch bag or mum. he needs to take responsibility for himself and his emotional wellbeing. we all have days when we're fed up of being ill, scared, sad, angry...you name it, but no matter how ill we are, we do NOT have the right to use our illness as a weapon.
🤗
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