I took the diagnosis extremely bad. My first flare left me in the hospital where drs and nurses came and left and priests came to pray over me and my name was bed 252.
The neurologist who finally came said if I didn’t come in I would have been paralyzed from the neck down.
I was one month away from graduating with my MA in Cello Performance and I couldn’t believe what he was saying to me. Like I knew something was off in my body but to say something so matter of factly after JUST being officially diagnosed?! I didn’t even have time to google what MS meant!
I’ve been a cellist since I was 7 years old. Nothing makes my soul shine brighter than putting my fingers down on strings and making magic happen. I had come so far in my studies and was preparing for the final moment when all of my hard work would come together in my final recital. It was going to be glorious. My dress was going to be floor length, bright red. My hair was going to be worn natural and free. I was going to have my entire family come to see me. I hadn’t seen them since before Covid. I’d just bought new strings, new rosin and was going to get my bow rehaired the day that my body started shaking and my vision went blurry and all of a sudden I couldn’t walk anymore.
Fast forward to I was so unbelievably ashamed of myself. I didn’t blame God, I blamed me. It was something I did to myself! I ruined my recital! (I don’t feel that way now but this is all just a rant/recap)
I played a new piece that I wasn’t interested in in the slightest. It was “easier”. I played with a new accompanist who deliberately played it slower on purpose because he felt I couldn’t handle it faster. There were two people at my recital as opposed to the full house that I dreamed of. My professors passed me knowing my condition was the reason but I felt the disinterest in the music, the performance and the space. It was 15 minutes of agony. I felt so ashamed that I couldn’t play after that. I refused to relearn how to play an instrument that I toured the world on. I refused to relearn how to play 8th note passages or something as mundane as basso continuo lines from a Mozart string quartet! I was set to play Kabalevsky and Chopin! I was going to own it after studying it for the past two years!
And just like that, in 5 days that whole dream was wiped out. Recovery took over a year. I look back at that time and it was dark. Really dark. I hate to say it but going through it made me realize how much I love music, not just as a musician (touring, concerts and recording studios) but as a person. Cello speaks to me or rather I speak through my cello. I always said I never wanted to be the person who gave up music because it was too hard and felt like music was stolen from me with my diagnosis.
I hadn’t actually sat down to play, like really invest time in my instrument in a year. I recently started playing again. And my hands are strong and they remember where to go. I’m so overwhelmed with joy anytime I look at my instrument! I LOVE my craft! God had His hand in my life then and now. I pray everyday for the strength to keep playing and to never take it for granted ever again. 🙏🏾
Phillipeans 4:13
Double Whammy, trigeminal neuralgia and rrms
GOD IS GOOD
Recently Diagnosed with RRMS
No electricity 
