Hello folks, I'm David Fleming. I was diagnosed with PPMS and with Prostate Cancer within the same month. Thankfully, the cancer was treated with surgery, encapsulated and I'm doing well with it. The thing the urologist and I didn't figure on was the impact MS would have on my recovery. Incontinence and sexual dysfunction have been exacerbated by the MS. Gosh, these are two things that MS impacts. Thankfully, there was a surgical option to help with the incontinence - an artificial urinary sphincter. Just think - press a button and there you go...
The journey I've been on has had so many ups and downs, twists and turns, that there are days I wake up not knowing what is going on. The best part of my journey has been those who have stood by me and helped me. The disease has shown me that I am a part of a wonderful community. I'm grateful. There have been moments in this when I have used meditation and mindfulness, counseling and other conversations to enter into this journey. I've always felt like when i've been presented with a crisis - critical juncture - that my best option is to embrace it and learn from it and use every scrap of tenacity and grit I have to get through it.
But no one prepared me for how much living with MS sucks. I've gone from a very active, take the world by storm kind of guy to a person I did not know. Sure there are pieces of me still intact - I still have my mind, I still have my core personality, I still have my relationships and I still have my cat - Millie. But MS has challenged me. I've always been the rock and anchor. I've always fully cared for myself and others. Now, I'm no longer able to hold a FT job and Millie and I are staying in the home of some wonderful friends. This is great, but I'd rather be taking care of myself.
What I have found and want to touch on today is suffering. I've described suffering as the difference between where you think you should be and where you are. The differences I come up against daily - a limited number of steps, financial insecurity, lack of a job that stretches me, heat sensitivity, stumbling because the floor is not quite even and now I need a cane, a desire to travel but I am stuck at home - against who I used to be and who I saw myself to be is the location where people can touch the emotional and spiritual pain I experience. As I said earlier, I have always been tenacious and gritty with determination. This is another quality in myself that has not changed. I just have to express it differently.
I've always enjoyed speaking in public, teaching, listening and being in dialogue with others. Some of this has changed for me. I've had to be in what I call a "desert" for a while as I process this stuff. And the stuff has stunk!
My experiences and my reactions to this disease have run a full spectrum. At first, I liked, "I may have MS, but it doesn't have me." I simply hooted at "I'm not drunk, I just have MS."
Now what I am saying is that I am on a journey with an unwelcome but important partner. It's MS. It's teaching me things about myself that I never thought about before. This journey has seen me cared for by folks and a cat that are truly amazing. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't suck and that I would like to be on the path of my original hopes and dreams.
What I do find at times is that my soul is dry and crusted over. These are usually the bad days. There are also bad days when new feelings and symptoms crash in on me. But there are also moments like I had today having lunch with a friend and laughing, joking and tossing the stuff around. Even with MS this lunch was a surprise and it was wonderful. If it were not for my MS, I would have been stuck in a cubicle or driving down the road to a meaningless appointment. But today I could spend the greatest treasure I have - time and energy - with a friend.
Crazy week for me and the hubby...
Brain Fog and Words
Restless Legs Syndrome 
