Is it OCD, and is it even worth getting diagnosed?

[PhilipKDick]

Hello!

I'm not entirely sure I should be here: I haven't been diagnosed and, until a couple of days ago, I'd never really thought about whether I might have OCD. But now I'm wondering.

I was watching Heartstopper series 3 (great show, 10/10 would recommend!). Charlie is diagnosed with anorexia and OCD. The therapist says: "for some people an eating disorder is about body image, but from my perspective your eating disorder is connected to obsessions and compulsions: eating the right thing at the right time and under the right circumstances". He also says a bunch of other stuff that I can't be bothered to type up!

This really resonated with me. I also had an eating disorder. Like in the show, mine wasn't driven by any particular desire to lose weight or to look different. Instead, I had an overwhelming fear that I'd be sick after eating. Ironically enough, that fear was itself nauseating. I didn't have any particular fear of contamination and illness, but I did believe (incorrectly) that I had some sort of physical illness. I was kind of obsessed with swallowing, I found the sensation very odd. I overthought every mealtime, worrying that I'd be sick.

Because of this, I didn't eat very much and stuck to particular foods, like soup, that I felt safe eating. My parents enrolled me in private therapy, which massively helped. The therapy dealt with the eating aspect and gave me some helpful coping strategies. I don't remember anything about obsessive thought being talked about.

Now, I almost never experience these issues with food. Until seeing that episode of Heartstopper a couple of days ago, the idea that my eating disorder was driven by OCD had never occurred to me. So, now I've been going down a research rabbit hole.

Thing is, this eating disorder was at it's worst over the course of about a year when I was 13. Now I'm 21! So, I suddenly find myself thinking "shit, that was probably OCD as well as an eating disorder". But given I don't really have the problems with eating anymore, does that mean it couldn't have been OCD? Or perhaps it was OCD and I am "cured"?

I've been thinking about whether I might meet any of the other criteria for an OCD diagnosis. I thought I might have some OCD like tendencies, mostly carried over from childhood, for example constant nail picking as a way of dealing with anxiety. Also, rotating my socks, pants, crockery, etc. so that they all get used a roughly even amount because of a ludicrous sense that these inanimate objects will be upset if they aren't used. On tiled pavement I generally walk in the middle of the tiles, not stepping on the cracks and not stepping on the same tile twice. But this isn't tied to any particular fears or obsessions, I don't feel like anything bad will happen if I walked differently, I just feel like I should walk this way. More recently I've started bighting the skin off my lips and picking out my dandruff. Gross, I know! But again, these aren't tied to particular obsessions.

I'd be more likely to think that I had OCD, except that I don't really have any current obsessions. The compulsions, or whatever they are, aren't tied to anything specific. I don't do them to get rid of any particular intrusive thoughts. I'm quite an anxious person. Anxious about money and grades and all the usual stuff. And I'm anxious about existential stuff, but that feels kind of reasonable. After all, we are on a rock hurtling through space! I also have hypochondriac tendencies. I'll convince myself that I have cancer, or that I'm about to go into cardiac arrest every couple of weeks on the basis of absolutely no evidence! But, by and large I enjoy my mind. It's very crowded and messy and relentless, but I like it.

Sorry this has been so long winded! To wrap everything up, I'm thinking that it is very likely that when I was younger I had OCD. I probably have some OCD-like tendencies now, but I'm not sure whether I'd meet the clinical definition. I'm not really sure what to do do with this new understanding of my mental health, past and present. Do you think what I've described is consistent with OCD? If so, do you think it is worth seeking a diagnosis given that my mental health, though abysmal in the past, is pretty good right now?

Any thoughts would be much appreciated!

[deValentin]

OCD manifests itself in many forms and in variable degrees. In order to meet the OCD criteria, you need to be above a certain threshold. Personally, I wouldn't worry too much about past OCD manifestations if right now your life is basically under control and you're satisfied with the direction it takes.

[Sallyskins]

This does sound like OCD behaviour. I can't give a diagnosis, but ask your GP. She or he can refer you to a mental health team.

One thing about OCD is that it can come and go - or rather, it doesn't really go, but it recedes. Many people with it can lead fairly normal lives, and then have a bad patch when the OCD takes over, and then go back to (almost) normal.

Skin picking is another thing often related to OCD. It can be weirdly compulsive - I know, I've got it!

Try breaking up the habits - for example, try walking on the cracks. Or instead of rotating your underwear and crockery, use it randomly. In that way, the OCD gets disrupted instead of embedding itself in your life.

It sounds as though you're doing pretty well - keep it up!

[IStillHaveHope]

OCD compulsions can come in the form of being hyperaware of physical processes (e.g. swallowing, blinking, heartbeat, etc.). I have some of these and they're more annoying than troubling. The fear of eating sounds like an OCD compulsion, and the alignment of objects can be but only if it would cause you great anxiety if you didn't do it.

For example, I've had issues with putting things away. I can't really describe it, but I felt like I would put them away "wrong" and that it might cause a fire or something. I then would take extra time examining them to make sure they were "correct" (whatever that meant). If I didn't do this, I would feel an overwhelming urge to check them to make sure they were "correct". I would then get very anxious if I didn't do this.

Like deValentin said, OCD is experienced across a spectrum. You might have a light case of it, but I am not a doctor and can't diagnose is. I know for me that when I was at my worst it was hell. I mean that quite literally too. I can't think of a torture much worse than when I was in the throws of an OCD attack. There is also a lot of guilt and depression associated with OCD as well since you know the thoughts are ridiculous and you feel that you are weak for giving into them.

One thing about OCD therapy though is that you need to find a specialist. Therapists who don't know how to treat OCD can sometimes cause more harm than good.