Can't Seem To Accept the Doubt

[Scouns]

I'm doing i-cbt mixed with ERP and for the life of me I can't :

1-Sit in the discomfort without doing my compulsions (reassurance) (checking)

2-Accept that bad things can happen-(This one is just something I cannot seem to cope with. Like I know in reality that bad things happen. I know that. But th thought of them happening to me or my kids makes me feel like I want to die)

3-Waiting for the ick to pass - My therapist keeps telling me the high anxiety and panic caused by "sitting in the discomfort" and not asking for reassurance will pass in time, but for me it never passes. The only thing that makes it go away is when it is replaced with a different obsession.

4-stop obsessing over my credit report.

I am ALWAYS afraid. Terrified. Fearful. Even when I sleep I have bad dreams so I'm afraid then too. I am SO frustrated and hate to post this and look crazy but it's been over 20 years of this and I'm so tired. My family thinks I am so weak and most of them avoid me now. But I feel like after what I have endured with this living hell and that I'm still here to tell about it that I am stronger than they will ever know.

[Inkohblack]

ERP is super hard hard at the beginning and so worth it once you overcome some small wins. Start small! Give yourself grace. I had to start with a little one (I say little) and be uncomfortable and once you win a little one, it takes a little of you back from the beast. Hang in there and know it’s worth the win. You got this! Slow and steady

[Inkohblack in reply to Inkohblack]

I also just did a big one today and it felt super gross and I’m ok. I went for a walk and let myself listen to nature while walking to level out my head without leaning into a compulsion to ruminate. I accepted the feelings and will likely need to do it a few times for this one to be a thing but I have won this round! WE CAN DO THIS!

[LuvSun in reply to Inkohblack]

Well done

[Natureloverpeace]

I wonder if you may be doing some mental compulsions that you or your therapist aren’t aware of such as rumination or avoidance? Just a thought.

[Scouns in reply to Natureloverpeace]

That makes sense. My therapist is great but I feel like I am the worst case there ever was. I feel sometimes unhelpable (I know that’s not a word). Really she doesn’t even have to assign exposures. I have them all day long. My ocd is centered around safety so anything can set me off. Checking the mail, a call from an unknown number, someone looking at me weird. Stuff that I know rationally is just part of life but my poor ocd brain just won’t accept the doubt and move on like normal people do.

[Natureloverpeace in reply to Scouns]

Rationality and logic don’t work on OCD unfortunately because there will always be another “what if”. You already accept uncertainty in other areas of your life but when it comes to things that OCD attacks, that’s harder because it attacks what you value most. If you drove anywhere recently, you accepted uncertainty. There wasn’t a guarantee that you would get from point A to point B. You probably believe the news will come on tomorrow but you can’t be certain of that either. There isn’t a guarantee that it will. Jon Grayson, one of the top OCD experts discusses accepting uncertainty in his book Freedom from OCD and he has a video on it on YouTube. Accepting uncertainty requires trust and a belief that you can make it through distressing things. You’ve already made it through distressing things in your life so you are capable of doing this. It doesn’t mean you approve of the distressing things though. Accepting uncertainty means giving up trying to control things. The ironic thing is that we don’t have control over most things anyway.

The good news is that even though you feel like you have the worst case of OCD, you don’t. Feelings aren’t reliable representations of the truth. If you had the the worst case, you wouldn’t be able to interact in this chat. You would either be totally incapacitated, in bed and not even able to do anything. or you would be dead.

Even some people who have been at the very extreme end of the scale with OCD have not only learned to manage their OCD well but have freedom from it. I’m one of them. The two people who host the IOCDF Ask the Experts are others. A person can go from being totally incapacitated. not able to do anything for themselves, be on life support from a suicide attempt to having freedom from OCD and becoming an OCD Specialist and Advocate. This is the story of one of the Ask the Experts hosts. Recovery may not feel possible but these people use to feel that way too.

The OCD Stories podcast has helped many people to be inspired by other people who have overcome OCD. After hearing some of these stories, some people think that if so and so can overcome OCD than so can I.

[Scouns in reply to Natureloverpeace]

Wow. You have no idea how much you have supported and encouraged me. Thank you so much. You just have no idea how much I needed to hear this right now. I wishI could hug you.

[Natureloverpeace in reply to Scouns]

I accept virtual hugs. I’m glad it helped. That’s the neat thing about this community. We encourage and support each other. No one has to go it alone.

[Inkohblack in reply to Scouns]

Mine is centered around that to! Safety! There is hope. little steps. Logic doesn’t matter, it all feeds into ocd and makes It bigger. I love that you ‘feel’ this way because that’s something I had to learn to. They are simply feelings. They don’t reflect reality, they are just feelings.

[SeeJoy123]

It seems like you already got some great advice, but I just wanted to add one thing. I am not sure if you do this in CBT with ERP… but did you build a hierarchy with your therapist? Usually when you do ERP, you build a hierarchy of easiest to most difficult and terrifying OCD fears and outcomes and do guided exposure slowly and as you feel ready. Rather than you being a hopeless case, and trust me… I think at some point most people with OCD have felt the same way, self-included, it may be that the exposures you and your therapist thought would be easy for you are actually too difficult and you need to start smaller. I’m not sure what your small exposures look like… but just for example (quick trigger warning, for upcoming fear of car safety) , if you feel unsafe driving and get an image of crashing or something like that, instead of even getting in the car or driving somewhere, you could just touch the car and start with some ERP responses. Like, “It makes me extremely uncomfortable to touch this car. I feel afraid that if I touch the car I may get in the car and that may lead to me crashing. This is scary, but whatever comes, I am strong and capable of handling it.” Now, obviously I am not a therapist, but I just mean to say that you might have to think out of the box and start a little smaller. Maybe it’s even just taking a step out the door… you know? It can be so difficult to figure it out. I’m so sorry you’re going through such a hard time and I truly hope this or the other comments help!

[Inkohblack in reply to SeeJoy123]

This!!

[Sallyskins]

It does take practice, and the discomfort can be hard to bear. And it can persist stubbornly, and be hard to shake off, like getting burs on your clothing.

But that shouldn't stop you making the attempt. Each attempt is a small victory over the OCD - it's telling the OCD that it doesn't have unfettered control over you.

Medication can make the ERP easier. But I do know how it feels to be in the vice-like grip of OCD and be barely capable of doing anything.

Don't let anyone think you're weak. They don't know how difficult it is having OCD. They don't know the constant battles we have with it.

And don't think you're crazy either. All of us here know how you feel.

I once started to panic when a man on a mobility scooter came towards me outside a shop and I thought he was going to run me over. He had a go at me and I explained that I have OCD and agoraphobia. As he heaved himself up on his crutches and went into the shop, he shouted angrily 'I wish I had OCD!' He hadn't a clue what he was wishing for. I don't make light of other people's disabilities - how dare he make light of mine!

Having OCD puts a burden of exhaustion and feelings of guilt on us. Try to reconnect with your family if you can.