The day started well. I wasn’t beset by unwanted and intrusive thoughts. My plan for the day was to correct a bunch of exams in order to submit students’ marks before a certain deadline. However, I was not in the mood to start the corrections right away, so I started to wonder whether there was a way to improve my mood. And I started to think about it instead of doing my work. That was my mistake. The more I started to think about ways to improve my mood, the more I became engrossed in that pursuit and the less I became able to focus on the task at hand, which made the success of my search even more imperative because of the looming deadline. It was a vicious cycle.
I knew I had to choose. I couldn’t at the same time do my regular work and seek ways to motivate myself to do it. However, I couldn’t bring myself to decide because as much as I hated the thought of missing a deadline and therefore making my dysfunction visible to all, the only hope I had left after a while was to find a way to break the deadlock. In order to find that way out I had to seek it, and seeking it was taking my attention and energy away from my professional work. It wasn’t an easy trap from which to escape.
I escaped from that trap by giving myself an ultimatum: either I invested time and efforts in a search for a better way to motivate myself while accepting all the consequences of that choice, including the possibility I may not find anything before the deadline for the submission of students’ mark has passed, or I gave up my search and started to focus on my work. It worked because I needed to deny the possibility I may not find a way to motivate myself before the negative consequences of my actions caught up with me in order to be willing to start on that path. By opening my mind to the possibility of failure, that option lost most of its appeal and made the second one look more attractive or at least less uninviting.
I often wondered why some gamblers are willing at the beginning to risk a lot in a game of chance. One reason, in my opinion, is because they’re so sure to win. Afterwards they become caught up in the game and can’t quit because they’re under so much pressure to recover their losses and feel they have no other choice. Likewise, when I check something over and over or seek a solution to a problem in spite of common sense, I have no doubt in my mind I’ll eventually find what I’m looking for; otherwise, I’d be less inclined to do it at the beginning before I end up feeling compelled to do it.
Can anyone relate to that experience?
Was it touched? How can I get past it?
Why do I feel like I need to have an intrussive thought?
Logic doesn’t work on OCD
How do I come out of OCD suffering from 25 yrs 
