I’m scared of connecting with people except those I can really trust. But even then I worry constantly that they hate me, want me out of their lives, all without any evidence. I am deeply convinced of this in my heart. I’m realizing that both my parents had OCD and the way my illness manifests is like my mother. I’m scared I am becoming my mother more and more as I close myself off to new people and experiences because of the pain of perceived rejection and offenses. OCD has be deeply convinced I’m unloveable and I’m trying to open myself up to the idea that I might not be. The process of actively opening my mind up to things, visualizing that literally, that seems to be helping. Noticing when I’m shutting something down due to OCD, I am trying to immediately counterbalance it with something to throw it off. It’s a valuable exercise and I hope OCD keeps moving through.
I’m so scared to connect with other people though. So it’s easier just to not do it. Just sticking with the people in my life even though it would be nice to add a new friend or two.
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DreamRiver
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It's a vicious cycle. A low self-esteem makes the possibility of rejection less tolerable, which makes us less willing to start new relationships and damage our self-image if it's not the person we'd like to be. However, you're doing some exercices to gain a better control of your life, and I'm glad you find them helpful.
Hey I'm in the same boat. I posted recently on the forum about Contamination OCD in making friends. If you haven't seen it or read it feel free to read it. I am currently struggling with getting back out into the world, and I'm trying to make new friends. Its not been easy my OCD is mainly fear of germs and sickness. And there is that outside in there world every day. So that's why I joined this forum/community I wanted to be able to connect with people who are struggling like me every day with this disorder. You just have to keep putting yourself out there but just take it one day at a time. I hope the both of us can stop letting our OCD take ahold of us. We can do it. And you can consider me a friend on this forum so see your already making friends. We can do this. Don't let the OCD win.
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