I don't know what to do anymore.

[Metastar]

The last time I was here was about 9 months ago. For a reference here is a link to a thread I posted in before.

healthunlocked.com/my-ocd/p...

After I was hospitalized for 10 days, I lost my job and moved in to live with my mom.

I started to see a therapist that was supposed to be an expert on OCD. He suggested that I needed to see another therapist to deal with the trauma and grief issues that were getting in the way of treating my OCD. The therapists that he suggested didn't know what to do with me because of my OCD. It's a catch 22.

Cognitive behavioral therapy, exposure and response therapy, and whatever my last couple of therapists have tried in addition to that has been ineffective.

I no longer have enough money to see therapists consistently. I have to wait more than a week on hearing back from a job I applied for. I'm not sure if applying for the job was a good idea given my current state.

I need therapy, but therapy doesn't work. I need medications, but they don't work. I needed to be hospitalized, and it didn't work.

The 988 suicide and crisis hotline recognized me from my multiple uses of their chat service and told me flat out that they can only help me find ways to cope.

I've tried coping by playing the piano, reading, writing, playing video games and so on. It all feels like I am running away from my problems and going nowhere.

Spending time with family and friends is painful since they want to help but cannot relate to what I am dealing with. Likewise trying to deal with my faith has been driving me insane.

I've been going to bed around 11pm, but I can't seem to pull myself out of bed until about 11am.

[SCC1]

I am sorry you are having such a hard time; I feel your pain. I hope you can find help and someone who will listen to you and give you the tools to be able to help you get out of this situation. We are all here for you. And, please, take care of yourself in these tough times. The bad doesn't stay forever. I hope you feel better. 🙂

[SCC1]

I just wanted to add, that I know what you are saying when it comes to not being helped by therapists, etc. My psychiatrist told me that I could attend an IOP to learn to cope with my thoughts. I knew from past experience that this wouldn't work. I have been in therapy since I was 15 yo, I'm now 49. Nothing seems to have worked because it's my thoughts I need help with, not ways to cope. I asked my psychiatrist, how can IOP or some other group help me when it's my thinking that's messed up? She had said the groups/IOP will help me cope. Everyone says that and I'm getting tired of hearing it. I keep thinking what is wrong that I can't be helped? What am I doing wrong? Other people have success, what's going on with me that I don't get help? My psychiatrist said, and I'm not bragging, that if you weren't so smart, you wouldn't be having these problems.

So, what I'm saying is maybe your mind is overactive, therefore analyzes everything and keeps doing that because you are trying to find the meaning behind one thought and then it goes into another, and maybe meds and therapy aren't working because it's an intellectual issue and not OCD. Always trying to find the meaning of things. I used to do that. Meds helped the fast pace and cycle of thoughts calm down, but not the actual thoughts. I still have very analytical thoughts and absolutely nothing has helped that because the thoughts themselves aren't OCD-related.

I know it must be frustrating as can be to go through what you are. And I know that when you do anything to take your mind off of the thoughts, those behaviors turn into something, too. It's a never-ending cycle.

The only thing I can suggest is to maybe do an activity that is calming or use imagery to lessen the anxiety. I have just started EMDR, which I never thought would help, but the imagery I'm using actually has helped me calm down. Think of something peaceful even if it gets you through the next minute. Try calming down your mind so the intensity of the thoughts/patterns can slow down. Doing this repeatedly might help your mind change course and become more apt to thinking in a slower manner.

I hope this helped in some way.

[Metastar in reply to SCC1]

It is an intellectual issue, as well as an emotional one. The OCD magnifies it. I've likewise have been told I am too smart to be treated.

When I was an outpatient in an OCD and Anxiety treatment center I felt similarly to you.. The therapists there said that my mind autoneutralized their treatments. In a sense I couldn't help think about the effectiveness of the treatment. I was always analyzing my thoughts of my thoughts. I knew every minute detail of what they were trying to do, which made their treatment mostly ineffective.

My main doctor during the experience during one of our sessions had me use a whiteboard to diagram my thought process. By the time I was explaining the third level deep they told me that I engage in neutralizing behavior from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. Then I went to explain the fourth level deep that moderates the third, and they were horrified. After that point nothing had an effect until they had me do an exposure while I was also purposely trying to not autoneutralize, and I snapped. I stopped the program shortly afterwards since I was no longer welcome there in person.

I then moved to a different state for a job, tried different therapists and psychiatrists, and ended up in a hospital for 10 days after I visited an urgent care clinic. After I was discharged I struggled with work and was eventually terminated.

The therapists since then have tried different approaches with no success.

The only way to get away from my thoughts is to let myself lose control, and that isn't acceptable. I have to think about how I am going to think about how I will think about how I will act. For that reason I can't trust myself to act spontaneously. I cannot drive a car due to the fear I may kill someone, or the fear that perhaps I wouldn't care if I did. I am not willing to be a psychopath even if it is the only possible way out.

[SCC1 in reply to Metastar]

I don't act spontaneously either. I always have to be aware of what my thoughts are and the next one, that I'm so engulfed in my mind/self, I'm always prepared for the next thing to happen. Like I visualize the scenario before it happens so I'm ready for my own responses/behaviors when interacting with someone. I'm always one step ahead of everything. I would have to let go of the control I have to act spontaneously and I'm scared to do that because what if I did do something stupid or lost it totally. Then I'd be responsible for that when I was just trying to be normal. And I might have consequences for the behavior. How do you explain something like that? Idk.

[Cromerbrian]

hi I ve been in a bad place ,hope you get better , think the key is to get a therapist who specialises in ocd,it’s a very specialised area but I ve just got one and made progress so it can be done ,hope this helps brtan

[SCC1]

I was wondering, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to, what was the difference between 9 mths ago and recently? Were you better between then and now? I went to the link you gave, but maybe I missed something.

[Metastar in reply to SCC1]

I had lots of things to do when I lost my job and moved. I didn't think this website could help me then.

Now I am applying for another job, and the OCD and anxiety shot up again.

[benhur51]

You stated you also had trouble working thru your faith. Sometimes all that is left is our faith!! God never gives up on us. When you think you are at the end of your rope that's when it's time to let go and let God!! Lean not on your own understanding but trust in the Lord with all your heart!! With God all things are possible! What is impossible for man is possible with God!! If you have friends that you trust, let them pray over you!! Prayer works!!!

God Bless You,

Joe

[Natureloverpeace]

I am sorry that you are suffering. It sounds like you’ve been trying to get help but I question the help you’ve received. An OCD specialist isn’t going to have you analyze your thoughts and pick them apart such as you described. That feeds the OCD because you’re engaging with the intrusive thoughts and giving them meaning. The intrusive thoughts themselves aren’t the problem. It’s the response to them and the mental and/or physical compulsions to negate the distress that’s the problem. Ruminating can be a compulsion. Not accepting uncertainty and realizing that one can handle distressing things is also the problem. There are about 2,000 therapists trained in the United States to do ERP. Out of that 2,000, about 500 to 800 are OCD specialists. About 500 OCD specialists keep up the continuing education for it. Many therapists claim to know how to treat OCD or claim to be OCD specialists but aren’t. There are some OCD specialists who also treat PTSD. If you can’t find one that does, perhaps you can have an OCD specialist and a therapist for the PTSD. They could consult each other and collaborate together to help treat you. If finances are a barrier to treatment right now, maybe start with the book Freedom from OCD by Jonathan Grayson, Ph.D. It is one of the most recommended books by the top OCD experts. Podcasts such as OCD Stories hosted by Ralph Stuart may help and they’re free.

[Metastar in reply to Natureloverpeace]

I've spent over $16,000 on ERP. The OCD and Anxiety treatment center that I was at wasn't that effective. The exposure therapy was always being outsmarted, I knew what they were trying to do, and because of that the treatment wouldn't work. Eventually I tried to do the exposure therapy without thinking about it and removing my inhibitions and auto-neutralizing. It did not go well, I snapped and I was no longer welcome to be there in person (it was supposed to be a safe place) and had to rely on internet sessions.

I've tried to find a therapist that addresses both OCD and PTSD. I am still trying to find a therapist that can treat both.

[Marvelouslight]

Metastar,

What a tough road you have walked and continue to journey through. I can understand your frustration in feeling as though nothing is working or has worked. First, I would like to say that you are not alone. NOCD is a wonderful tool and even is and can be a helpful form of Therapy.

Can I ask if at any time, did any of the Therapist’s you have previously worked with specifically as to OCD and prior/ past trauma and or grief related events offer or suggest EMDR as a form of treatment? EMDR also know. as Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing can be an AMAZING & VERY effective tool especially in helping to address trauma and or related incidents. I am attaching a link to assist you in learning more about this type of treatment if you are not familiar. emdr.com/what-is-emdr/

My only other and in my humble opinion, the most important for myself and my family is prayer and maintaining our faith in God. HE can help and will answer HIS people when they call upon HIM. Please do not give up, there is HOPE and know there are so many people right here who will do their very best to help and assist you in any way they (we) can. Sometimes the Lord will work through people right here on NOCD to help you!! I, will be saying a prayer for you to find the right treatment/ therapy program that will help you experience relief and ultimately become successful in helping you manage OCD and it NOT managing you.

C~

[DollieC]

I watch a guy on YouTube and he's really helped me. Maybe you have seen him before it's Nathan peterson. I just think he makes it all so simple. I don't have money for therapy or specialists, I've never tried medication so I hope this helps you too. All I can say is please try to do erp again because even though I still have times that are extremely hard, doing erp does help. Obviously it's only working if you feel anxious so that's the hard part but you already feel anxious so you might aswell do it on purpose and show your brain that if you're doing it on purpose, maybe it's okay.

[Natureloverpeace in reply to DollieC]

Nathan Peterson is a great OCD specialist who also produces short, free videos on OCD in an easy to understand way with a touch of humor.

[beth196]

what meds have you tried? I need 80mg of prozac and 1 mg of clonazepam to feel normal

[Metastar in reply to beth196]

I was on 120mg Prozac (Fluoxetine) for most of my life. It stopped working so they put me on sertraline (Zoloft). It stopped working so they then put me on venlafaxine (Effexor). It helped my depression but made my anxiety and OCD worse, and then it stopped working.

Then when I was hospitalized for 10 days, they put me on 50 mg (later raised to 100) of clomipramine (Anafranil), 3mg of clonazepam (1mg 3 times a day), and 10 mg of escitalopram (Lexapro).

I've also been on trazadone and aripiprazole to little effect.

So that includes SSRIs, SNRIs, and Tricyclic antidepressants, as well as tranquilizers and antipsychotics.

I've had cognitive behavioral therapy for nearly my whole life and spent thousands on exposure and response therapy. Now I am looking at Human Givens therapy.

Nothing makes me feel normal. My mind is constantly working overtime analyzing things and itself.

I got a PhD in mathematics. It took 6 years of very hard work, to the point where I was neglecting my physical and mental health. My father died of a heart attack 5 years into the program. I persevered for over another year, often working until 2am in the morning multiple times a week.

My problems are not just psychological. They are also philosophical. I feel burnt out, stretched to the breaking point, and ripped to pieces. To top it off people are no longer able to relate to me, so I've stopped trying to explain what I am going through.

[beth196 in reply to Metastar]

so sorry

[IStillHaveHope]

I know this is an older post but I wanted to reply since I feel it mirrors some of what my life has been like. I'm really sorry you're having a hard time. I really am. I know how hard OCD can be and also being a deep thinker. You could say it's one of the "up" sides of OCD. People with OCD tend to be brighter and more creative on average (think Howard Hughes, Kurt Goedel, Nicola Tesla, etc.). I think it might be because they spend more time trying to "figure out" what is wrong with them and in turn it strengthens their creativity/intelligence. I have realized though, that part of my issue was over reliance on my intellect.

I have a hard time just letting things "be". I feel like if I can put a plan together I can stay ahead of the game and avoid pitfalls most others would stumble into. This has been very good in my career and I've gotten positive feedback from others about my ability to do so. Unfortunately, I've realized that this tendency has a large OCD component since I feel anxiety not doing it "good-enough". I get concerned that I'm missing something and that my actions may get someone hurt or killed. I've also realized that my planning is an attempt to control the situation and eliminate uncertainty. I have been purposely trying to let things "be" just to see what happens. It has been very scary. I feel like I'm putting people at risk and that I'm a terrible person to do so (classic OCD). But you know what? It's all been mostly fine. It is a really hard habit to break though since I've basically been reinforcing it for decades now though.

The philosophical part is a bit trickier though. For me listening to Alan Watts, CS Lewis and Terrance McKenna have all really helped. I think that the intellect can over inflate the ego and cause us to believe that these simplistic therapies are ineffective. We delude ourselves into thinking that we're "too smart" for them or something like that. In my experience though they have helped though. I know from studying psychology that even if you know you're being duped it doesn't really seem to have an affect on you being able to be duped or not

One thing that has helped me greatly though is knowing that I'm not the first, nor the last, person to think this way. There have been a great many people who have been down this path and left their insights behind for us to learn from. I'm very grateful for that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're not alone in this and there are plenty of people out there who can relate to you. Don't give up my friend. God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers.

Sorry to ramble on so. I hope this helped you in some way. May God bless you and keep you.

[SCC1 in reply to IStillHaveHope]

Thank you for talking about the fact that others feel the same way. I had thought I was alone in this, too, and feel like I can figure everything out before it happens, like I'm psychic in a sense. I thought, how can others relate to me when I see the world so different from them. Maybe now knowing that I'm not the only one feeling this can help the aloneness I feel and take some anxiety away from feeling like I have to try to explain everything to people/drs the way I see things and "knowing" they won't get it. What you said gives me some comfort.

Thank you.

[IStillHaveHope in reply to SCC1]

I'm glad it helped