Mine is Different

[SlothQueen23]

My OCD isn't your typical 'wash your hands raw' or 'check the lock on the door till the event you desperately need to attend is already over'.

I didn't even think mine was OCD. I was convinced it was a form of Psychosis. I can't talk about it. I don't even want to type or write about it. It's demonic. But it's all thoughts. Obsessive, intrusive thoughts that are so intense they almost have a life. I call it an entity, but logically I know it's just thoughts.

It's triggered by panic and stress, so I minimize that by isolating to my apartment. But if I am triggered, then as quick as I can I have to distract, like repeatedly count, or say words or pull out my hair or hit my head or hand against a hard surface.

I can't let the entity win, I THINK it's a demonic presence , but LOGICALLY I know that's only stemming from my toxic catholic upbringing and so it's just bad wiring in my brain. But it's intrusive, and obsessive, so I have to stop it and the only thing that stops it is physical distraction that's painful enough to make me stop noticing the presence.

It's a dangerous game it plays with me and I loathe living this way.

So, I cement myself on autopilot. Simple, numbed, and dumbed-down auto-pilot for as long as I possibly can.

[Natureloverpeace]

OCD loves to attack what you value. Some OCD themes involve “taboo” thoughts. Experienced OCD specialists aren’t shocked or surprised when someone’s OCD theme involves such thoughts and they won’t judge you for it. Intrusive thoughts are just thoughts, they don’t say anything about a person’s character or identity. They don’t mean anything but we with OCD sometimes attach meaning to them and that’s when the OCD cycle can start. Notice the thought, accept that it’s there, don’t attach meaning to it or try to figure it out, let it pass. Acceptance doesn’t equal approval. Trying to push away the thought will make it grow stronger.

[TomFed]

As long as you engage into compulsions, you will keep refuelling the OCD cycle. So rule is no compulsions at all, as hard as it sounds. You can start with the most obvious ones. And please get professional help as it sounds your are in a bad place now.

I had developed alcohol addiction before, largely influenced by untreated OCD. At the time, some years ago, I had a few episodes of very bad alcohol intoxication... lying in a pool of puke, alone in my apartment, on the other side of the world, with my mind going crazy about all these OCD topics, not knowing I'll live or die..

There is light at the end of any tunnel.. And you are here to heal. If OCD is the only mental disorder you have, it is very likely you will heal if you reach out for professional help, best to clinicians with experience in ERP treatment. Do it now.

[Battlepope]

Hello, I sometimes read posts that I can maybe relate to. Even in the ocd "community" I'm the odd man out. Something was always wrong with me, even as a child but it grew. I was in my mid 20s when I was diagnosed with ocd. I was doing the hand washing and checking, but there was something much worse happening. My head wouldn't stop telling and showing me the worst things I could imagine. Non stop all day, every day. No matter what i tried, no matter the therapy, no matter the medications I've taken it has gotten worse. I now know it to be commonly called pure o. No real way for an outsider to see anything going on. It is also the hardest to treat. Now I will say how I chose to deal with it didn't help. I drank more than fish and put your average hippie to shame with the amount of drugs I've done. Here's where we differ. Where as you distracted with pain, I ran and numbed, yet we were doing basically the same thing. Recently real hell and my head have collided. I won't go into many details but I chose a drug that causes me to walk with a cane and do physical therapy. I could go on but I won't. I don't want sympathy, I want you to know you're not alone. And while I can't fix it, I know what it's like, it's a living nightmare that nobody, even the people who want to understand and care very deeply for you, can. I don't know if I'm writing this for you, me, or both of us, but I hope it gives you a measure of comfort to know you're not the only one. And the one thing you can't lose is hope. Even a proton size amount of hope is enough. I wish you well.

[SlothQueen23 in reply to Battlepope]

Your response strikes a chord with me. I feel like you maybe understand. I also have a history with severe drug addiction that has not helped things in the slightest. Thank you for writing a response. I feel validation and that brings me comfort. ♡

[Battlepope in reply to SlothQueen23]

It's important to feel understood as much as any person can. I'm glad my experience was helpful to you. It's not something I'm used to. And no problem, we all deserve to feel validation.

[Mcfly64]

Hello. You are not alone. Never ever forget that. We are all here for you. You are a good person. Please get help if you are not already. God loves you unconditionally

[Mcfly64]

It is you ocd. It’s not you

[Mcfly64]

Your ocd . Not you

[Springvale23]

I too have intrusive thoughts. I am always looking for certainty for forgiveness and making sure I don’t do anything wrong. It’s a religious OCD. Have recently found out that it’s called scrupulosity. Info on internet about it.

This has plagued me since I was young. Always looking for certainty.

I am the same with family relationships, afraid of offending, afraid of agreeing or not agreeing to a situation in case something bad happens, then it would be my fault. As result I analyse every conversation and have sleepless nights over what I say or do.

Tonight my son rang me and I said that I knew he was busy but I was happy to meet up if he was free for a coffee this week, if it suited him. He didn’t say yes/ no or anything . When I came off the phone I thought that he would think I didn’t make arrangements so I mustn’t have been keen to meet him. I then sent a message happy to meet you anytime for a coffee or a banquet, whatever suits you best. Haven’t been able to sleep afraid that he has misunderstood . Had to take a diazapam as I felt I couldn’t go on living if I couldn5 get this sorted out. I know it’s crazy. Can’t free myself . 3am GMT. In Uk and still thinking.