New to the community but not new to OCD

[Stressed62]

I have had OCD for 30 years beginning with OCD tendencies in childhood. I am currently experiencing a flare up of my contamination OCD due to having a bout of C diff last year. My current obsessions are so ridiculous that I don’t understand why I am having them. I am questioning everything I am doing in relation to thinking I am putting things in the toilet such as for example clothes, dishes, cleaning cloths, my hands when I am washing them or my hair when I am taking a shower. I feel like I am spreading toilet water everywhere and contaminating my house and I am going to make everyone sick. I wash my hands over and over and clean things multiple times. It is time consuming and tiresome and still doesn’t completely relieve my anxiety. I am seeing a therapist but he hasn’t helped much. Not sure what to do. I have had bad experiences with medication in the past so that is not an option. I feel hopeless.

[Sallyskins]

Medication can help - it helps me - but for some people it just makes them feel worse. In any case medication isn't enough on its own - CBT, or cognitive behavioural therapy, is needed in addition or instead.

I too am a hand washer. And cleaning my lavatory makes me feel really filthy for ages afterwards. But the problem is that the more you wash, the more you feel you need to, and you find yourself in a vicious circle of washing, feeling dirty still, washing again etc.

Try thinking of it like this: other people use the lavatory, clean their lavatories, etc, and as long as they wash their hands after, they are clean enough. No one can be completely clean - and it wouldn't be good for us if we could be. A little dirt is good and strengthens our immune systems. Most germs are harmless, anyway.

I'm sure that this is all stuff you know anyway - but it helps to put it into context.

The next time you feel as though you have somehow put something into the lavatory that you shouldn't have, don't rush to wash. Allow the feeling of being dirty stay with you, at least for a while. Let it swell and get worse until it starts to subside - because subside it will.

I've been taught a method which I find helpful. Think of your feelings of anxiety as like clouds in the sky, or leaves on a stream, or a wave on the shore. The clouds will blow over and disperse, the leaves will float past, the wave will billow and swell and then break on the shore.

Having OCD means that you have two perceptions - the thinking part of the brain knows that what OCD is telling you is garbage and you should ignore it. But the feeling part of the brain - the amygdala and the emotional brain - is overwhelmed by false signals and is difficult to ignore. It's like a burglar or car alarm being constantly set off when there's nothing to fear. It's hard to ignore. But teaching yourself to let it alone will get you used to it so you no longer respond to it.

I've found self help books a real help. Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and The OCD Workbook are very good ones - there are plenty of others, but make sure you choose ones that use CBT/ERP (exposure-response prevention) techniques.

[SCC1 in reply to Sallyskins]

The "burglar or car alarm being constantly set off..." response is a great example of how my mind feels, even if it's not always from OCD- which it really may be a lot of the time and I'm not realizing it. My mind just always feels active-too many thoughts or sensations or something. It feels high all the time. This has been going on for as long as I can remember.

I know my reply doesn't really have to do with Stressed62's post and I sort of made it about myself, but I just needed to vent a little.

[deValentin]

Welcome to the OCD community. If I understand correctly, you feel that you contaminate yourself and people around you, even though you’re doing the opposite: you’re cleaning things. Do you think that by cleaning things over and over, you’ll get rid of that unpleasant “unclean” feeling, thus allowing you to focus once again on your normal activities? If that’s the case, you’re putting yourself in a kind of a bind because at the same time you deflect the pressure to be reasonable in the present moment (“let me first get the “clean” feeling I’m looking for, and then I’ll have a normal life”) and you make getting the “clean” feeling compulsory because that’s the only way for you to return to a normal life. I used to do the same. I was thinking “let me first find the answers to the questions that are tormenting me, and then I’ll carry on OCD-free activities”. Everyday I was hoping that today would be the day I find what brings peace to my mind, but that day never came and problems kept accumulating in my life because I kept neglecting everything else. It’s when ERP “saved” me. I didn’t make stopping my search for answers dependent upon finding them. I just stopped it. It was not easy first, it took time, but I was able to regain my concentration abilities, my existential questions stopped grabbing incessantly my attention, and a reasonable faith in myself returned. No matter what your obsessions are (contamination-free feeling, perfect order, reassurance seeking, waste aversion, etc.), Response Prevention works in most cases (65% to 80%) because there seems to be a self-feeding or vicious cycle element in OCD like with other mental disorders like gambling or anorexia. I wish you well in your recovery.

[beth196]

I take meds. why suffer. prozac 60mg and klonopin till it kicks in

[TomFed]

Don't try to mentally argue with OCD, arguing with it is also a form of mental compulsion that just makes OCD stronger. OCD is fired up by the brain parts like amygdala that are not under control of rational mind, so you can't outthink it.

I'm sorry that current therapist is not helping you. See for treating OCD, you need an ERP specialised therapist that you can find offline or online through such apps like NOCD. Y-BOCS is a standard questionary for assessing your OCD symptomatology, and ERP is the golden standard for treating OCD. Other forms of therapy might even get it worse so watch out.

ERP trained therapist has to help you access your symptoms, draft a treatment plan, and teach you how to apply exposure response prevention tools to get rid of the compulsions that feed the OCD cycle. We don't have power over intrusive thoughts (obsessions), but we have power of what actions (responses) we take. When we eradicate compulsions and safety behaviours one by one, the OCD hell's wheel starts unwinding quite fast and you will experience relief that you've been longing for. Usually ERP therapist will help you to deal with physical compulsions first, in your case it's all hand washing et cetera. You see everytime you wash your hands more than once, you're legitimising obsessional fears and feeding the OCD beast.

After you deal with mayor physical compulsions, with the help of the therapist, you will examine and eradicate other, not so obvious compulsions, micro compulsions and mental compulsions that basically all of us OCDers have.

Don't judge yourself, OCD is not you. We OCDers are often quite hard on ourselves as deep seated shame and guilt lies at the roots of this disorder. Good news is in many cases it is very treatable.