Trusting myself

[Winnie_WTP]

How can I learn to trust myself and challenge the OCD self doubt? There are many cases where I do something but I later doubt myself and end up having compulsive activity to ensure I did what I doubted. For example, I have often doubted that I washed my hands with soap so I end up dispensing soap 2-3x and re-washing. I really deep down know I used soap the first time but still doubt myself for fears of missing that and ending up contaminating things. The sink ends up filled with soap foam as a result.

[dutchgirl71]

I do this often and it is so frustrating! Are you in therapy practicing ERP? You learn to live with the anxiety, not engage with the OCD triggers and learn OCD is just all lies! It’s really hard work that I struggle with, but recovery is possible!

[Winnie_WTP in reply to dutchgirl71]

Yes!! Key word is LIES! I recall times that I remember doing something with an incredible amount of detail but that OCD voice says- but did you REALLY do that? That voice truly gaslights me. I'm starting to recognize what is real and what is the OCD gaslighting, which encourages self doubt and then challenging that voice. Doing tapping with Brad Yates helps to calm me and consistently recognize the OCD lies. I'm working with a therapist and we're in the beginning of the healing process. I've rated my triggers and done some ERP with a few triggers but not all yet. It seems like a really hard process though. Thank you so much for your reply and support. I wish you well in your healing process.

[MothFir]

ERP can be hard but it works -- keep at it as consistently as you can and you should see some results.

About situations like you describe, like knowing "really deep down" that you used soap the first time: sometimes it helps me avoid a compulsion by telling myself, "Maybe the feared thing will happen, but it won't be because I didn't do this compulsion." So you might try imagining yourself a few days or weeks down the road, and you or someone else is deathly sick. Would you then still blame the fact that you didn't rewash? Or would you be more likely to be surprised and think, "Wow, I felt like I didn't use soap because of my OCD, but I know I really did -- so why are we sick?"

Much of the time I realize I am in the second category and I am able to avoid doing the compulsion. It still feels wrong to not rewash, but I can go on "faith" that there are no consequences of not rewashing, and I know that if something bad happens I won't really blame myself, because "deep down" I know I washed the first time.

Obviously you don't want to get in the habit of arguing with your OCD or trying to rationalize and overthink your fears, so be careful of this technique. But often I find that it helps me quickly break out of the grip of an obsession and act according to what I really think instead of what my OCD wants me to fear.

[Winnie_WTP in reply to MothFir]

Thank you MothFir . Your insights are extremely helpful. I really struggle with the confidence of believing myself despite my memory. I will remember doing an action, and what my senses communicated in terms of what I saw, felt, touched, thought in the moment of that action but OCD still gets me to question myself. I struggle with confidence to believe my senses + memory even though they are completely reliable and based on factual evidence. OCD will tell me false memories, only based in my worst fears- not facts. They feel so real although they're not so I have a lot of difficulty believing the truth.

I know you said I shouldn't get into the habit of trying to argue with my OCD nor rationalize and overthink my fears but this is where I'm currently at. No matter how many replays I do of my memories, my OCD voice still says - well, maybe you didn't really do that. It says maybe because you were rushed you made a huge mistake and forgot something really important and because of that there's contamination in your home. I try to show myself- Winnie, you have ZERO evidence what OCD is saying is true. In fact, just my clear memory should be enough evidence to prove OCD wrong but I'm still struggling to believe my wise mind, that actually speaks the truth. Compulsions aren't helping either. I've washed, cleaned, scrubbed, thrown things out, changed out cleaning supplies, changed fixtures but none of that helps. I still feel fearful the contamination is still there despite what I do. I can't even think of any other compulsions I could do even if I wanted to. I've done everything possible. Right now, I'm ruminating only about one particular incident and not others, fortunately. But I really wish I could move on.

I decided to get additional help recently. I have a therapist but there are so many things we work on together that I don't think we've advanced at a pace that I need to alleviate my OCD symptoms. I really need peace as I struggle often now. My OCD is always there but the intensity comes in waves, meaning it's intense at certain periods in my life. Lately, it's been much more intense as I've been doing LENS (low energy neurofeedback) for trauma relief, which brings trauma out of suppression so it can be addressed for healing and helps the brain to re-organize neural pathways from gridlock to improved functioning (I do this with a separate specialist). We (My therapist and myself) both agree that I have underlying issues and trauma that's causing the OCD and she's helping me process those, especially as much of my past trauma is surfacing from doing LENS. I'm glad my underlying issues are being addressed but I think that helps me more long term, not as much on the daily issues I face w/OCD. So I decided to try out nOCD to focus exclusively on my OCD symptoms and help me function. I have my first appointment next week. I'll still work with my therapist and am almost done with LENS but I'm hoping that this additional resource can help me get better faster.

[MothFir in reply to Winnie_WTP]

I think it's a good idea to try nOCD, or some specific OCD therapist. The ruminating and compulsions are ultimately ineffective because the anxiety produced by OCD is not based in reality. It could happen in a vacuum. So it makes sense that trying to pacify it with analysis and cleaning don't work in the long run.

It helped me a lot to realize this and to relabel the worries about contamination as symptoms of OCD and not real indications of contamination. I had to realize that I may ALWAYS feel like things are contaminated, whether they are or not. If I've cleaned and taken precautions like a "normal" person, then any additional feelings of contamination are just a product of OCD and should not be responded to.

This takes work and persistence because the false anxiety generated by OCD feels so real, but you can gradually start to resist compulsions and ruminating, and from there you will get to a place where you don't even feel like things are contaminated. Keep at it and good luck!

[Hidden]

My therapist said something useful to me when I expressed doubts: "What does your wise mind say?" There is a core of wisdom in all of us, even in the throes of OCD. Good luck!

[Winnie_WTP]

Thank you Hidden . My wise mind definitely says I know what I did and have vivid, detailed memories of my actions, sensations and thoughts/feelings in the moment. I somehow need to work on believing my wise mind that always speaks the truth. Replays of those memories haven't been helping me adequately in trusting myself. So I realize I need to work more on my confidence and challenging that self-doubting voice of OCD. The difficult thing and the irony is that the OCD voice is so strong and what it says feels real and true but the wise mind's voice is what I'm disbelieving when it's actually telling me the truth.