don't know what to do

[lilalilo4545]

since I was about 8 years old I have had OCD, it used to be about death and illness and would not be that constant in my life. I went trough phases of having OCD thoughts and rituals, but it never felt like it was taking over my life or taking over me as a person. that phase of OCD finally came to an end when I was about 12 (there were points during those years that it would stop) , then just before I started school again in 2020 after lockdown it flared up again. I was really struggling and had to stop school. Since October 2020 I have been homeschooling. Anyway since then it hasn't stopped ever, I've never had a days break from it, Since the start of this year it is getting so bad im struggling to complete simple tasks, like literally just anything. I do what I have to do but its a challenge just to sit down or stand up because it feels like I have to do it with the right feeling or thought. I obviously have to do daily tasks or someone will notice how bad it is. I don't feel like I am wording this properly but I just am struggling so much. I feel like I have to do everything with the right feeling or thought otherwise bad things will happen, whether that's to me directly or people or in the future I can't identify its just in general. I also have a weird thing where I can just feel peoples dirtiness as a person, (not physically or sexually or germs) just them as a whole. Its probably made up, but to me It feels so real and I've convinced myself that everyone else can see my dirtiness too so I do things to stop them seeing my bad side(think of certain days in the past as I do anything like sit down, open a door, switch a light on, light a candle, open a cupboard). I don't know if any of this makes sense I just don't know what to do its stopping me from feeling happy or doing daily things. My mum knew about it for a while and then made me go to a therapist but she didn't specialise in OCD and it didn't feel like it was helping so we are now trying to find a CBT therapist but I just cant imagine it helping, I can't imagine not relying on my rituals and things that I do to stop all the bad things happening. And another thing is, I know that it probably isn't real, but it is for me. its like I can see another layer that other people who don't have OCD cannot see. So if they can't see the layer then the bad things won't happen to them because they aren't ignoring the things they can do to stop bad stuff happening. Whereas I can fully see the layer so if I ignore the things to stop the bad stuff, everything will go wrong. What do I do. also I am sorry if none of that made sense I just needed to tell someone.

[Against_the_current]

I feel you. It's so hard. I got homeschooled because of ocd and anxiety too. I have this feeling that If i do something, it might lead to something else. Like the butterfly effect. Tied up in the theory of strings so i feel you everything is so hard with it. Have you been on medication? Serotonin meds help but ask a doctor. Also cbt therapy for ocd, ACT, Dare. But it's more complicated than this, i know. Just know you're not alone and you're so brave. Hugs

[Therapist104]

I get it. It is hard, and I'm currently homeschooling because of it. I don't recommend mixing anxiety and OCD together, it's not fun.

[IStillHaveHope]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really am and I understand exactly where you're coming from.

The thoughts feel so real, so intense, and so important that we have to do something about them right now! However, this only feeds the OCD and makes it stronger in the long run. CBT can help with this. I went through it many years ago and it helped me to better understand my OCD and helped me to manage it better. Talking to my doctor and getting on a medication helped me as well. It took a few tries to find the right one, but after that I felt so much better. The medication doesn't change "you" or make you feel "happy". For me it made the thoughts feel less intense and from that allowed me to confront them and develop skills to understand and deal with them.

From my own basic research, I've seen that Exposure Response Therapy (ERP) can really help, but I haven't been through that myself. Others on this site have though, so if you have questions I'm sure people would help you out.

I guess I'll leave you with a few things I've learned on my own journey. I hope they might give you a bit of comfort as you continue on yours:

1. It is possible to live a fulfilling life with OCD. With medication and therapy the odds are overwhelmingly in your favor. I (and many others on this site) are proof of this.

2. OCD is a liar and a bully. It takes what we value most and tells us the most awful things about it. If we truly believed what it said we wouldn't have such an emotional reaction to the thoughts.

3. OCD is a feeling problem not a thinking problem. It may feel like the context of the thoughts matter, but it is really just our emotional reaction to them. We feel like if we could just "figure this thought out" or "stop thinking about it" it would go away and we would be better. However, this is not true. Other thoughts or triggers just arise to replace the old. Therefore we need to figure learn how to deal with the emotions as they come up.

4. It may not feel like it now, but there is an upside to OCD. It forces us to face something very difficult and to gives us the opportunity to learn and grow in tremendous ways. It might very well be that the downside of OCD is equal to the upside. Just something to think about.

5. Be kind to yourself. With therapy and medication you'll be developing new skills and habits. In the beginning they will most likely be hard and you won't be very good at them. However, this is always the case with learning something new. Don't beat yourself up if you can't do them perfectly in the beginning. Take it as a learning experience and know you'll begin to master them with time and consistent practice.

6. Surround yourself with people you can trust and who will support you. It sounds like you mum it trying to help. It's also important to find a doctor and therapist that you like and trust as well.

Finally,

7. You are not alone. I know you may feel this way sometimes, but there are millions of people out there who feel the exact same way you do. The good news is that there are also millions of people who want (and can) help. All you need to do is ask.

There's probably more, but I don't want this post to go on forever. I wish you good luck in your journey my friend. May God bless you.

[lilalilo4545 in reply to IStillHaveHope]

thank you so much

[IStillHaveHope in reply to lilalilo4545]

My absolute pleasure

Feel free to keep us posted on how you're doing.

[MothFir]

IStillHaveHope has made some great points. I'll just second the encouragement that you get therapy with someone who understands how to treat OCD. The obsessive thoughts and compulsions may seem terrifying and important right now, but they're not, and you can live life free of them. A good OCD therapist can help you reframe the fears so that you have courage to act on what you already know deep down to be true ("Its probably made up" "it probably isn't real"). Many regular therapists may be excellent with some issues but they don't necessarily know how to treat OCD. Don't wait as long as some of us waited to get good help -- it's possible to feel better!