POCD , I need help

[Aquarius_]

so I am 16 years old and I’m homeschooled, and during the day I take of my 2 year old sister while my mom works. This has recently stopped though because I have had intrusive thoughts about her. My intrusive thoughts vary , in them i could be doing sexually things to her and I always try to make my brain stop , stop all the images. I was so ashamed of the thoughts, I never thought of her that way so why did I start to. I was so ashamed of the thoughts that I told my mom and lied to her and said I had a dream about doing sexual things to my sister, and that dream tramuatized me so I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Now my mom stopped working because I was so depressed. I told her I thoughts about doing those things to my sister. It’s like my thoughts tell me “ do it , do it “ but my body can’t do those things I know how much harm that can cause to a person so why would I think of doing something like that to my sister, whom I love with my whole heart. I try to avoid being alone with her. Every now and then though I have to shower her, and when I do my thoughts tell me “ touch her “ but I never do, and never have, and won’t ever. Sometimes I get these urges and I know I won’t act on them but sometimes I cripple in them. Someone please help me, I try to fight back the thoughts and accept them like ERP therapy. It’s only my first day trying ERP by myself. I don’t think I’ll tell my mom my thoughts are still present, she think they went away but they haven’t. It’s about to be two month with these thoughts. I’m not diagnosed with OCD, but I think I have it. Probably won’t go see a doctor until I’m 18. Please anyone say something to me. I’m getting tired. Oh and I’m going back to public school because I think that will help keep my thoughts away. And getting friends might help since I have no social life at all. So if you need someone to talk I’m here. Please reply.

[Hidden]

Dear Aquarius,

Thank you for speaking up. That takes a lot of courage!

I think your instinct to reach out is a good one. You do need friends and more people in your life. I agree that going back to school could be really helpful. For one thing, if you don't feel you can go to a doctor, there are counselors or teachers at school who might be good to confide in.

It's worrisome that you were taking care of your 2 year old sister every day while your mom worked. That is a big responsibility for a high school student and doing it alone sounds very lonely. Now that your mother is no longer working, is your family managing with food, rent, etc? Do you have other family members who might be helpful? Aunts and uncles? Grandparents?

This sounds like a difficult and painful situation. Good for you for reaching out. Happy to chat with you. Please tell your mother you need to talk to a doctor. At least in the U.S., teens can talk to doctors privately. This is too much to carry alone.

Be well.

[Aquarius_ in reply to Hidden]

Hey , so thankful for your response. So my dad works so as well so the money situation is okay. it’s a month since my mom stopped working to be with me and my sister. I’m going back to school in a week and my mom is going to start working again but in the afternoon after I get out of school. My dad is going to be there to help take care of my sister. i do agree with you that school might make it better but my thoughts tell me otherwise. I just feel like I can’t talk to this about no one. I’m learning to accept the thoughts but that comes with a lot of anxiety I have to deal with. I have had 2 major breakdowns with my mom and she tell me to forget those thoughts cause I would never hurt my sister. I want to chat more with you if that’s okay. Please text me if you see this. Have a happy new year.

[Hidden in reply to Aquarius_]

Happy to chat any time.

[bulldog71]

You truly are suffering from OCD. I have the same thoughts. It’s not you it’s OCD. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I know it’s scary but you need to tell your mom. She may not understand it like mine didn’t but now does. This way you can see a doctor. Don’t put yourself through not having help for two years. God bless you. I will be praying for you.

[Ariadnee]

Dear Aquarius, first of all Happy New Year. I see your pain, I know it's very difficult. You are not alone! Please seek medical help. In the past antidepressants helped me manage the excess stress and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy give me the tools to manage my thoughts and my complusions. It seems that you do suffer from OCD. Those thoughts are something quite common among OCD patients and I can assure you that they don't express who you are. You will feel better with the right help. I am sending you love, hope and health. All my prayers! 🙏

[imnotveryoriginal]

Aquarius, well done you for speaking out, you are very brave 🙂 it certainly sounds like you have OCD and the thoughts you are describing are super common although it can be very distressing, you are not your intrusive thoughts, you are the part that is saying you love your sister and would never do anything to hurt her. You are the choices you make, not the thoughts in your head. I don't know where in the world you are but if you aren't able to see a doctor, can you google local counselling/mental health charities/organisations for young people in your area? Many of the voluntary organisations take self referrals. I hope you get the help you deserve and the relief you need.

[Joshgp]

Please don't give up! You matter to this world and many people in it. I saw your post and this reminded me so much of what I've experienced. An OCD therapist is how you can get better and help you with the intrusive thoughts. I'm thinking about you and wish you some ease of being. Can you talk to your mom about seeing a therapist? Remember this is not your fault so be kind to yourself if you can.

[Jackiemm1]

It’s definitely OCD. For 16 u r so brave. Medication n a therapist will help. Even online, try NOCD. Stay strong.

[pumpkinbard0503]

Hey Aquarius,

Honestly, around your age this was my experience with OCD (I was a local babysitter, and so these thoughts caused severe distress). Sexual obsessions are really scary, and I didn't have anyone to explain what those intrusive thoughts were: just intrusive thoughts.

What is most important to remember is that those thoughts do not define you or impact reality: it's just a thought, it is not something that is happening. Your body is reacting to the world around it as though everything is dangerous; you know you would never actually perform those thoughts, but they keep reappearing.

I would suggest talking to a school counsellor. These sorts of obsessions are very common in OCD but not talked about nearly enough. Counsellors are there to help, not to judge thoughts you can't control. I was super nervous to talk about this branch of obsessions, but counsellors and psychologists are taught about these sorts of things, and have strategies to help you feel safer in your own space.

I'm wishing you all the best sweetheart.