This “recovery realization” was one of my big ones as I moved further from OCD’s grasp and closer to my values. For so long, I felt like I “didn’t deserve to get better” until I had certainty or figured out if all of the scary thoughts could maybe…possibly…be true! However, with the help of self-compassion, I eventually become more afraid of giving up my life to OCD than all of my fears coming true.
This was a HUGE turning point for me. It didn’t mean that I wasn’t scared or that I wanted my fears to come true by any means…but it did mean that I became more afraid of the “absolute certainty” that if I continued down the path I was on, I would give up my entire existence to the disorder.
As soon as I became more afraid of giving up my life to OCD than trying to prevent my greatest fears from coming true…OCD got a LOT smaller. I know it’s scary…but I believe in you, and you can do it!!
Written by
OCDAdvocateKatie
IOCDF Advocate
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Yes, I can definitely relate to this!! I'm at the point where I'm trying to figure how to move on with my life after treatment. I could definitely do with some self compassion. I've really just been trying to take every day in stride lately. I know some days will be good and others not so much. I have moments of clarity some days where I recognize that I am a good person who deserves good things but those usually dissipate pretty quickly thanks to this doubting disorder LOL...
I did want to share one value win I've been having lately. I have been struggling to get closer to God which is completely on me for not putting in the effort. It's hard sometimes to talk to God when OCD is whispering terrible things and scenarios in my ear. It makes me want to stay distant because I feel guilty, fraudulent, evil etc etc (all the fun things OCD can trick us into believing about ourselves). Well, I finally told myself a couple of weeks ago that I'm not going to let OCD take me away from God and my faith. I bought my first bible (aside from the super old kids adventure bible I had from private school) and have started reading it, usually once a day. It is on my bucket list to read the bible front to back but I've always had a hard time understanding some of the wording so instead of the NIV version I am used to a friend of mine recommended The Message. Have you heard of it? It's a more modern translation with devotions throughout and so far it's been really amazing. A few nights ago I was at the gym with a friend and I actually opened up a little more about the panic attacks I've been having lately and the fact that I've had new harm intrusive thoughts popping up that scare me and I don't know why. I've been talking a little more honestly with this friend about my experience with OCD now that I don't see my therapist anymore (who I would normally confide in) and I'm glad I did because she said something really profound to me. After I told her I wasn't sure why my anxiety and OCD is so much louder lately she turned to me and said "I have a theory. Do you think maybe because you are trying to get closer to God lately the Devil is trying his hardest to pull you away?" I really feel like God sent that message to me through my friend and I've been motivated ever since to keep pushing forward in my relationship with Him and not let these intrusive thoughts interfere with that.
Anyways, sorry for the long reply. I love your post and the graphic! You are amazing!
Thank you so much for sharing your heart! I'm so glad you are reconnecting with your faith in ways that are meaningful for you. Often, OCD makes it feel like we don't "deserve" a relationship with God or like...we can't do treatment and have faith at the same time. Rather, treatment and the value of faith can really really really work together (and give us motivation). I've seen this in so many ways in my own life.
I am SO PROUD of you for making the choice to not let OCD take you away from your faith or from anything meaningful to you. I know it is so hard when you're in the spiral (trust me - I get it!) but you deserve all of the beautiful things life has to offer and are truly an amazing human being.
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