So today, i was driving and my boyfriend was in the passenger seat. there was a bicycle on the lane on the right side of me and I switched lanes to be infront of the bicycle and then I had to make a right turn out of the highway-like place and I don’t remember if there was a red stop sign 🛑 that looks like this that says stop before the place where the gps told me to make a right turn to exit but I turned pretty quicky after switching lanes. If there was a red stop sign 🛑 then I must have ignored it, and although the bicycle didn’t hit our car I am afraid that it either hit the car infront of him or got hit by the car behind him or got squashed between by two cars or any other scenario I might have caused after I turned and drove to my destination or continued driving to my destination which was an Indian restaurant. I am afraid that I didn’t care about the bicycle rider during that time or didnt think about him and I am afraid that I killed him by turning abruptly right to exit, and or other people who were in cars. I am also afraid that there will be no evidence of the accident (if an accident happened) because there probably wont be cameras or I am even imagining one of the people who hit the bicyclist could have buried the person in order to not get in trouble or something. I know this sounds crazy but this is the point where I came to. There are just so many scenarios that could have happened all because of me. I feel like I am a murderer. I feel like I either didn’t care about the cyclist or thought nah that wouldn’t happen when I made that right turn. And who knows, maybe what if I knew all this would happen but did it on purpose. There is no way of knowing at this point because my mind is now too chaotic to even recollect properly and there is no way to know now if I killed someone/some people or not due to my fault. I feel like I will never be the same and I feel like I am the worst person and I belong in jail or dead. I also think things will never be the same, unless theres evidence that nothing happened. I just wanna turn back time.
Worst day ever. : So today, i was driving... - My OCD Community
Worst day ever.
Oh man, do I know how this feels! Except I have pocd. I'll do something and not really think anything of it. But then later on OCD will be like oh my goodness what if you did x, y, and z. And then I can't remember right what actually even happened and it can be an extremely vicious cycle. The best advice I can give. What had worked well for me. Mindfulness. Whenever the thot comes say yeah maybe I did maybe something horrible happened but then move your attention back to whatever you were doing when the thot came. I know it's hard and takes lots of practice and perseverance. And sometimes you'll slip up and ruminate anyway. But be kind to yourself. Ocd is horrible and it's not easy to get over. So take it one step at a time. I'm here rooting for you!! I believe in you ❤️
That’s exactly what happened to me this time. I just made a turn wanting to get out of the highway and I even signalled and just as I exited a thought creeped up and it was what if I was to close infront of the bicycle when I exited and what if it hit the back of my car but then I got reminded that my boyfriend was also in the car and he and I didn’t hear anything and my car has sensors if anything gets close and no sensors went off. So then I started thinking of other scenarios that I could have caused by making a pretty abrupt exit. I didn’t know of any other ocd bc when I researched, harm ocd just seemed closest to what was going on. Could you tell me a little more about your type of ocd that you have?Also, how can I prove that I didn’t cause any harm? My mom said if someone had died by what I did it would be on the local news of where I was and so she googled the area where I was and nothing showed up. Is this true? I just need a peace of mind. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind. Now I am even confused as to what exactly was going on through my mind when I made the exit. I’m confused now about everything and I just wanna know that nothing happened to the people behind or infront of me when I made an exit (if there even were people there)
So question: is this your first experience with OCD?
Nope I had a bout with something sexual when I was younger. I feared that I did something with literally everyone I came across while walking to school. Then I tied a belt really tight every day for protective measures. I was afraid that I’d do something then forget that I did it. I even had to go to the gynecologist to check if I had done anything or if I was still a virgin. This was middle school.
Ok wow you have been through a lot with OCD! I'm sorry that really sucks! So pocd for me is the fear that I am a pedophile or maybe I will or already have sexually abused someone. I've been through hell with it. But thank God it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it did before I did therapy.
Well this is going to sound really harsh, but the best thing to do for OCD is NOTHING. Don't check the news to see if you caused an accident or death. Don't ask your mom or boyfriend for reassurance. When the thots come say yeah maybe I did and then just try to move on with what you were doing. Because when you respond with fear and reassurance to OCD fears it trains the brain that it SHOULD be afraid when these thots come. If instead you treat it like nothing, that will train the brain that this is not really such a big deal after all. Hope that makes sense 🤞
But how do I know if I killed someone or not I wouldn’t be able to live a normal life or live at all if I did
These types of triggers are horrible and I sympathize with you very much. I have gone through so many of them myself with various forms of OCD. Each time, I thought I would worry about the issue forever. (I didn't.)
I second what Ocdwarrior said. You can't prove to your OCD that you didn't hit anyone -- notice how you have evidence from your boyfriend, your car's sensors, and your mom checking the news and it is still not enough. The harder you try to convince yourself, the worse you will feel and the longer the anxiety about this incident will last. When you find yourself thinking about it, stop and move on. Tell yourself "maybe I hit somebody, maybe not" if it helps -- but know that you are saying it not because you are really okay with hitting someone, but because your OCD is playing games with you, and you have to play games with it right back. Like any bully, it is telling you untrue things to make you scared. As long as you act scared, it will keep bothering you. If you act like you don't care about its threats, it will get bored and eventually be quiet.
For now, just rest assured that you WILL get past this. You may never know 100% for sure what happened, but it will gradually stop bothering you. You will get to a point where you look back and think, "wow, why was I upset about that?" The less you ruminate about this incident, the faster you'll get to that point.
Also, "hit-and-run OCD" (which is what you're dealing with) is fairly common. I have had it myself at times. Like all OCD, it feels so real, but it doesn't mean anything. Google "hit-and-run OCD ERP" and you can get to work on defeating the anxiety.
Thank you so much. I’ve also reached out to an erp therapist as well too get some help. I’m bot afraid that I hit someone, but I’m afraid that by turning right abruptly I caused an accident behind me when I already turned and left.
Sounds like Harm OCD to me. I have gone through this SO MANY TIMES I cannot even tell you.
Try ordering/reading the book Overcoming Harm OCD by Jon Hershfield. If you go to Amazon.com and do a search "Overcoming Harm OCD Jon Hershfield" you should find it.
My advice is to start reading that book before this blows up even more. What happens is your mind goes round and round and round trying to figure out what happened and you come up with all these different scenarios and drive yourself crazy. What I have had to learn (and still do) is that ruminating and worrying with NOT help. You will NOT be able to figure it out. I know what it's like to feel like you are the worst person in the world, that you might have done something horrible, and there is no way to find out. It really sucks.
Mindfulness (as someone else mentioned) is really important. Jon H will give you all kinds of tips to help you. Some of them work for me, and some do not. You just need to find the tips that work for you.
I feel for you. Harm OCD (and all OCD) is horrendous. It's so hard to find peace until you learn more about it and get help. If the book is not helpful for you, please find a specialist for OCD. They will work with you personally. I love my therapist.
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much T.T I’m gonna order it now. Right now I feel like a murderer trying to make excuses for myself through ocd and I feel like a disgusting human being that doesn’t deserve to live but one part of my mind tells me I didn’t think in a bad way when I turned right but I’ll never be sure I guess. I feel horrendous and am getting new symptoms now too of imagining new scenarios every time I meet a new person esp uber drives or going to restaurants. I prayed to God yesterday asking him to punish me if I meant harm to people when I turned to the right. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get through this. I also have been going through alot of trauma and relationship mental abuse as well so I feel like I could have snapped for a moment and just said whatever in my head or something when I made a turn or like meant to harm/kill the biker and the cars or something but I will never know if I snapped for the moment or if I’m just a terrible person or if I am a good person and then snapped only then or if maybe I wasn’t even thinking anything when I turned. Maybe I was just anxious and wanted to get to the restaurant bc I was having alot of car driving anxiety. I’m so devastated and depressed.
I understand all of what you are saying. It's like you KNOW you did NOT hit/hurt anyone however your mind won't leave you alone. I used to think that because my mind wouldn't leave me alone, there must be something to it. This is NOT the case if you have OCD. Your mind is not working properly ... the bullying OCD is working on you to convince you something is not right. Well, OCD is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!!
Finally realizing that it's the OCD is what won't leave me alone, finally brought me peace (along with help I rec'd). It's this disorder that you have. Some people actually name their OCD because OCD is a disorder that you have.....You are NOT your OCD. I tell it to get the _____ away from me. Then I quickly start doing something else. Refuse to let it control your mind. Hope this helps.
Thank you so much ❤️ I hope I can become this way soon
I have this same kind of OCD... it makes me think I touched people in appropriately at times and is so hard not to beat myself up for
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