Is it HOCD?

[Hiddennnn]

So around 4 and half months ago I got a thought what if I don’t love my boyfriend I kept obsessing over this and kept getting the thought and my brain kept coming up with ways to break up with him even tho I didn’t want to. I was watching television one day and something about lesbian came on so my head told me say your not lesbian I had to just say it or it felt like my head was gonna explode this happened two or three times but it just went then I never thought about it again because I knew I wasn’t. I got the thought “what if your lesbian” out of no where sitting on my bed on ft to my boyfriend so my anxiety went so high images of girls kept coming to my head I was afraid to close my eyes the thought would pop up in my dreams my head kept saying you are except it but I’ve never felt like that about a girl so how can I? All other thoughts followed I’m in a long distance relationship so when my boyfriend came to visit it all went away and as soon as he left my head start obsessing again and had been again the last 2 months now I’ve started obsessing about my friend every time she comes near my head says your gonna kiss her I get the image of doing it and get an uncomfortable feeling in my body. My anxiety has gone really low now and constantly everyday I’m like I can’t be lesbian because I have never been or thought like that but then what if I am how come I can’t stop thinking about it this starts from when I wake up to when I sleep and the more I keep saying I’m not lesbian and telling myself all the reasons I can’t be feels like I’m lying it’s gone to the point where I actually don’t know anymore but I don’t wanna loose my boyfriend and I know I could never see my self in a relationship with a girl but I haven’t got a formul diagnosis for OCD so it’s really hard! Can anybody relate please text me😢

[MothFir]

Sounds very much like OCD to me.

[Awpa]

I too have that feeling its Hocd where you think you might be gay

[anon1204]

hocd, please don't fret. You are not lying, your thoughts are lying to you about lying to yourself (hope that makes sense). Everybody with hocd feels this and goes through this, it is complete torture. Your brain just took on your fear and you are in fight and flight mode so hence you will be observing and overanalysing every little thing to your movements to the way you look at certain people, your reactions etc. I have went through it and I am still going through it (getting better, but sometimes it comes back), but anxiety likes to skip logic and sanity and jump to the final worse case scenario which is the last thing you want to happen, especially with us hocd people, in this case our identity. I went through a tough tough phase, but when I was little like 8-9 years of age, I would watch all kinds of sexual material, and one day I came across lesbian porn and watched it alongside many other things. I stopped though as soon as I hit puberty around age 12 I guess, and after that didn't want to watch it, still disgusts me till today. But my hocd uses that as evidence that I am a "lesbian in denial" when honestly I never imagined myself or wanted to be in such situations. But what I am trying to get at is that you, my friend, are not gay and nothing and nobody can change that, not even these thoughts. I know these thoughts will not go away so easily, but accepting uncertainty has really helped me, whenever these thoughts appear just shrug it off and say to yourself, "maybe, maybe not," and continue with an activity or keep yourself busy. I hope that helps, but just know that you are not alone, this is a very dilapidating anxiety-inducing thing to go through and I understand everything must feel so real, but I promise you it isn't.

[Hiddennnn in reply to anon1204]

Thank you so much this has made me feel so much better💖💖💖