I'm Not Here. I'm There.

[IStillHaveHope]

It's been a hard year for me, as I'm sure it has been for most, and I've been doing a lot of thinking.

I had an insight the other day and wanted to share with everyone to see what they thought about it. It was, "I'm not here. I'm there."

I don't know if this is the same for everyone, or maybe more intense for people with OCD, but my mind is always off to either the past or the future. At my worst, my mind is reliving awful things from my past, or imagining awful things that could happen in the future. At my best though, my mind takes me to wonderful places in my childhood or imagines great and exciting possibilities.

A few days ago, I was laying in my room and my mind was all over the place. I was going over things from the past and wondering about possible futures. There was also a cool springtime rain shower going on right outside. I could hear the soft pitter-patter of the rain as it hit the window by my head and dripped onto the roof. The birds were quiet, no doubt waiting for the rain to stop so they could sing again. The trees with their flowers and new small leaves were swaying slightly with the wind and the rain. It was my favorite type of weather, my favorite time of year and I was laying in my favorite place in the house. However, I wasn't there. I was somewhere else.

Later I realized, "I'm not here. I'm there.". I wasn't really experiencing the rain or the beauty around me. I mean I was, but my mind was pulling me to places that I really have no control over. What I mean is that I wasn't 'actively" experiencing it. I was focusing on the OCD thoughts, and not on something I wait all year to see. I guess I just realized that "here" is all I really got. All the guilt and shame of the past won't change it and all the foresight, checking, and planning won't guarantee anything.

Part of the reason I have OCD is that I don't like uncertainty. I don't like that the universe is, at least in my view, chaotic. That I can't control it. I think in that moment I may have learned to say, "but that's okay" a little bit. I'm going to work on being more "here" and less "there".

I don't know if this makes sense, or is very helpful. I just felt like I needed to share.

I hope your days are going great.

[Eli_E]

I totally understand and I use a similar technique. When I realize I am going to down a rumination rabbi hole, one thing I do is note the thought theme as past or future and then. I find just noting that allows me to come back to the present moment without judging myself as much for following my ocd in the first place.

[Thedragonfly77]

This happens to me, but I noticed that something will trigger it. Like I can enjoy myself and something will happen and my mind will ruminate. It will keep going on until I feel the danger has passed. I will think about something in my past and then I tell myself it's because of this incident that happened today or yesterday.

[Susiesweeney]

That makes perfect sence the mind will always wander but if you concentrate on the breath it will bring you back.

[Mamatired]

I feel the same way. It’s hard to note when I get triggered though. It makes me sad when I come out of it because I miss valuable moments with my family. When I see them, like really see them, it makes me so happy I want to cry because I feel like I miss it when I get stuck on ruminating. Similarly to what the others have mentioned in this thread, calling it out for what it is is something I have been finding effective in the last few days. Calling it out, labelling it, thinking “I am having thoughts about x,y,z” is helping. Don’t judge the thoughts. Notice them and move on. When you’re in a better headspace it may be easier to evaluate them and the themes