OCD & Hoarding

[amienough]

I realize hoarding may seem a contradiction to OCD, though it is very real. Very debilitating. And very much wearing me down. I am bipolar, suffer from anxiety, depression, ADHD, OCD, and who knows whatever else. I am a self-sabotaging perfectionist. And also perfect at self-sabotage. I have difficulty seeing “the gray” because my mind processes everything to be either black or white. I feel so alone. I do have a great therapist, and have been in any combination of meds you can think of. At this point, I believe it’s got a lot more to do with psychotherapy than meds.

[Hidden]

"self-sabotaging perfectionist" wow, me too!!!! Perfectly said amienough I do not hoard per se but i know that i seek chaos for some reason, well I guess it is to sabotage myself?

[amienough in reply to Hidden]

The chaos in my house, very much matches the chaos in my head. I am not a hoarder, as in the shows such as on TLC. There’s no garbage, 100 cats, or anything like that. It’s just stuff everywhere, causing each room in my house to be so cluttered with disorganized piles, that they are not useable. The bathroom has a mound of clothes, though the tub & toilet are accessible. I have pathways to walk through. I am aware of my disorder, and am at a point that I want to get it cleaned up. I can’t do it on my own, and am desperately trying to find some resource that may help. Not much out there, unless you’ve got $$$. Anyway, thanks for responding to my post

[summerchild]

Perhaps think about why you can't throw away things, and once you find your answer, clear away a little area and see how that makes you feel vs. How it makes you feel to see it cluttered. It's alright either way I think, because you're still you in any case. The state of your house doesn't necessarily have to define you or dictate how you should feel. If you want to declutter, it's perfectly alright to go about it slowly, afterall everything in your house didn't arrive in one day either, right? I hope you feel comfortable soon. Have a good day

[amienough in reply to summerchild]

Thank you so much for your kind words and gentle input. During the time that I was married, we had a very large house. When we divorced, neither of us could afford it on our own and so had to sell it. I moved into a rental house (same town) which was a bit less than half the size I’d moved from. It was plenty spacious, and I was comfortable there. When my lease was up, I bought a small house, again I. The same town. After 4 years, it had become just too much of a financial struggle, and so I voluntarily signed it over to my mortgage company. The next place was a rental, in a different town. It was to be the 1st of 4 rentals. I moved each year, upon my lease being up. It may seem odd, though I could never “settle” in anywhere, because no place felt like “home” to me. Not settling in meant, barely unpacking. I’m glad to say that I’ve been in this same rental for more than 4-1/2 years! Each time I moved, I had to get rid of more and more of my belongings. And each time, I felt as though I was losing a piece of myself. It is not that I am materialistic, it was just the process as a whole. When I took this apartment, I knew that I’d finally found “home”. The moving company I hired was terrible. They underestimated the time and men needed for the job, and so ran short on time. They literally left a good majority of my items and boxes in the driveway, and many in the basement! And even had the gall to tell me I needed to pay an additional amount! I had labeled each box as to what room it was to go in, though I was left with a sea of boxes. There was no way I could move them- I live on the 2nd floor! So then! Between having to yet again get rid of more belongings upon this move, I also was extremely overwhelmed, plagued with stress and anxiety. I have never fully unpacked since I’ve lived here. And I so want to. There is no way I can however, until I get all of this mess taken care of. I believe this pretty well defines how I got to this point of being. I very much appreciate the encouragement you’ve provided, and am going to begin a bit today. It’s hard, because EVERYTHING needs to be done, which is often what paralyzes me to get started- because I can’t determine just where it is I should begin working at first.

[summerchild in reply to amienough]

My best friend told me once, since the universe is constantly expanding, any where you point at can perhaps be the center of it. I don't know if it's scientifically factual or not, but I've always held the notion close to my heart. I too had to change schools every year for a long time in my childhood, and I've always had to leave my friends and that environment behind and head onto another one. It became my new normal. I supressed the struggle that caused me until I couldn't anymore. And it makes me glad to know that you recognize the things you've lost during your moves, and you recognize that you don't have to be okay or adjust to your new settings. And I'm glad that where you are right now eases your heart. I hope you can give love to each object in this new space as you make your home more inviting for yourself, and take as long as it needs for it to be done. I'll be cheering you on, even if you take just one object out of one box per day. :))

[amienough]

Thank you so, so much! I am ever grateful for your responses, more than you can know. I still have so many decorative items that I hadn’t parted with, and beautiful framed photos for the walls. I have to “find my house” under all this, before I can begin to decorate and really make it my own. Your response is insightful, and so very encouraging. I am grateful that you found it in your heart to respond- so eloquently.

[DeathtoOCD]

Hording it not exactly OCD per say, but it is still a type of OCD, and it doesn't seem to be contrary to me. And you are not alone, but yeah OCD like to divide it into black and white, I know what you mean.