How to deal with daily arguments or strain on relationships due to OCD?

[HuskyMom93]

I am new to this forum. I’m looking for some validation, comfort, and maybe some understanding for a loved one with what I believe to be pretty severe OCD. He refuses to get help and has break downs a lot. I am at a wits end. I love this person very much and hate to watch him suffer and I hate to feel this suffering too. What is the best way to de-escalate fights about household stuff? Every night when he comes home from work if everything isn’t in exactly the correct format that he has requested of me, we fight and he ends up having a violent meltdown. It’s really scary to be relaxed and excited to see him when he comes home and I never know what I am going to get when he walks through the door. Sometimes there’s nothing wrong, but tonights fight was about one of the blinds on the window. We have a husky who likes to use his nose to move the blinds out of the way which usually results in them tearing. I had the blinds open just enough for them to be above where he could reach and my loved one, (let’s call him Curtis) walked in and started freaking out about me not pushing it up far enough and he was like “I’ve told you a million times why can’t you get it in your head!?”. And starting to make me feel stupid or wrong for what I did, saying things like “I don’t understand why you can’t just do what I ask.” And “how hard is it just to make sure to do it every time?”. I immediately started to feel apprehensive and tried to stay calm as I really didn’t want to fight tonight. I just said “ok, I’ll do it, sorry” and he continued to barrage me until I broke down. Today our dog had also gotten into the trash and I started to tell him about it and let him know I swept and mopped and he started doing it again over what I had already cleaned saying I didn’t do good enough. He then left to go to Walmart to get a trash can after this whole fight was over. He then told me to stop talking to him, put his headphones in and left for Walmart. Now I am in my room alone. Feeling hurt, lonely, sad, anxiety ridden and honestly unsafe. I just can’t understand why these things escalate over what seems like such small things to me. Can anyone give me advice on how to move forward? I am so upset.

[Hidden]

Dear HuskyMom93--

This is heartbreaking and you shouldn't have to live this way. When it is a calm moment and not in the midst of a crisis, I would tell him what you just told us--how you wait for him to come home, happy & excited, and the effect it has on you when he melts down. Use a lot of "I feel" language. Ask him again to get help and tell him that if he won't see a therapist you will. Then see a therapist yourself to discuss some strategies. Right now it sounds to me like he is involving you in his obsessions and compulsions. That isn't helping him and it's certainly not good for you. A therapist--especially someone experienced in OCD--may have some good ideas about setting limits with him. I know he has OCD, but he also needs to treat you kindly and lovingly, as I'm sure you treat him.

Sending hugs.

[HuskyMom93 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, even just knowing someone read this and heard me has helped me feel better. I think asking him again would maybe be a good idea. But in the end if he doesn’t want help I can’t force him, but I can have standards for how I wanna he treated and seek help myself. Maybe that would even show him that it’s not so bad to see someone for therapy.

[tuvya in reply to HuskyMom93]

You do need to know more about what people with OCD experience so a therapist who treats OCD with ERP will help YOU. Some individuals who act like he does have OCPD which is not OCD. You may want to google or webmd the diffeence

[Mabelocd]

I am so sorry you have to walk on eggshells. I am the one in my house with OCD and I know for sure I am a jerk sometimes when my brain is on fire. But it's no excuse at all.

On the IOCDF web site, there are resources for loved ones. That would be a good place to start.

Please remember that, no matter if he has OCD or not, no matter if he chooses to see treatment or not, YOU have the right to feel safe and valued in your home. You can set your own limits of how you want to be treated.

It doesn't help people to allow them to be a** holes. If he cares about you, he probably doesn't like himself much when he behaves this way.

[sligoguy]

Hi .I have ocd and I know I can be a right bastard ,but I always apologize and know it's me with the problem ....nice people (I'm my experience ) get ocd ,kind folk that suffer because of the need to have things safe and no danger or risk ....but that's how I see it but at the same time this behavior does impact on the people you love ,,,,,you deserve to have a life with all the happiness that you can .so it's not fair or right to have to yeild to another ....tell the person you have come to the point that he needs to get expert help or things are not going to work out ,I'm not saying kick him to the kirb ....more he needs to address this if he wants you around ...I admire your loyalty and love ,,,,but you need to find yourself as well and deserve more ,,,

[cambridgeborn]

I know it’s important to have compassion for a loved one who is mentally ill, but under no circumstances must we ever allow someone to verbally/mentally abuse us! No one deserves to be bullied or should have to walk on eggshells in fear of another’s anger. Please make some decisions as to how you can take care of yourself while showing support for your loved one. You might require some personal counselling around this.

[KGun]

I am very close to my ex from 30 years ago (met up at a wedding) after 20 years of no contact we became very very close friends and allies. He was vital in me surviving a very traumatic divorce. Our history...

We lived together off and on for six years.

His ocd (Although very mild at the time) had quirks and rules for cleaning. In the time apart it evolved to become disabling.

So I get that.

But darling at no time should obsessions lead to violence. Physical or verbal. He needs help for sure but you can’t do it for him. I know I would give anything to take OCD from someone I love but not at the sake of my own health and sanity. Please seek help for yourself first. You will not be able to fix him. It isn’t ours to fix. Please if you ever feel that you are on fear physically or mentally. Get. Out. Please feel free to DM me.

[Mabelocd]

Husky Mom, I have continued to think about you today and I pray fpr your happiness. I have l8ved with some bad tempered people and I hate that knot in the gut of anticipating the next angry outburst.

[HuskyMom93]

Thank you everyone for the wonderful responses. I think that he definitely knows what’s going on and in the moments of ocd outburst he ends up feeling really bad after and knows that ultimately it is him that is causing this. I am going to talk to him about getting help when there is a calm moment. I think I, myself would benefit too!

[Mabelocd]

Good for you! Give the husky a hug for me!

[PassionateWoman]

My heart goes out to both of you. Can you just say we should laugh at our problems not fight. It will take the tension and arguing away. Laugh when you make a silly dense mistake. Love each other and your selves.

[PassionateWoman]

Sounds like my x husband. His meltdowns occured when he was out of dope. The instability made me unstable. Seek a LFT together or seperate.