Kids with OCD

[Jackiemm1]

My 12 year old son has OCD. It is recking havoc. Any parents who can offer advice or help. I am so overwhelmed right now. Thank you Jackie

[Ladybug9]

What type of OCD symptoms is he displaying? That makes a difference in how we can help. Can you explain a bit further?

[Jackiemm1 in reply to Ladybug9]

He is unable to wear certain clothes, must touch things over n over, has to redo many activities until it feels right or he thinks he will be gay. If u say the word he freaks out, how best can I help him? Can anyone offer hope? Thanks

[Ladybug9 in reply to Jackiemm1]

That is quite a bit for someone so young. If it was my son, I would look into a Therapist who deals in Childhood OCD. This may be more than evern a loving parent can handle. Please keep us up to date on how everything is going!

[Hidden]

I recommend Dr. Bridget Walker's book for parents of kids with ocd. Google her name & it will pop up. Warm wishes.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

"Anxiety Relief for Kids."

[MothFir]

The best option would be to get him to see a therapist trained in OCD. With the pandemic causing everything to be online, you may actually have more options than in normal times (i.e., you could use a therapist in a distant city since it's online anyway).

He needs to have someone explain what is going on in his brain that is causing him to have these fears and thoughts, which can help him see that the thoughts are irrelevant and meaningless. The goal of OCD therapy is not to get rid of the thoughts but to alter his reaction to them. He needs to get to a point where he can tolerate some uncertainty about unwanted things happening, but he also needs to realize that his compulsions and ruminations do not affect the chance of those things happening in ANY significant way. They reduce his ANXIETY about things happening, but they do not affect REALITY. That's a critical difference.

If he can understand that on a deep level, it should be easier for him to begin resisting performing compulsions, which is the basic idea of ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) therapy. As you both know by now, performing compulsions reduces anxiety in the short term but only leads to more anxiety and compulsions in the long term. By doing compulsions, he is essentially telling his brain that it is doing a good job by sending the unwanted thoughts, so it keeps sending more. In therapy he would gradually prevent himself from doing compulsions, which will make him very anxious initially, but he will learn that the anxiety will eventually go away without doing compulsions. In time the anxiety becomes less and less on its own, as his brain learns that the unwanted thoughts are being ignored.

If you absolutely can't see a therapist now, there are lots of good self-help books and online materials that teach the basic process. Learning everything you can about OCD and its treatment will help both you and your son start taking steps to get it under control. Most of the hard work is done by the patient anyway, but having a personal therapist can really help in identifying specific problems and developing structured goals. I waited until I was in my 40s to work with a therapist, and I should have done it 30 years ago (though there probably weren't many OCD therapists around then...)

Medication can also help. A doctor who knows about OCD will prescribe something like an SSRI that actually reduces the power of the obsessions. Some doctors without much knowledge of OCD will prescribe sedatives, but those don't get to the root of the problem. Medication can make therapy easier and he doesn't necessarily need to stay on it forever once he learns therapy techniques. Or he might be able to stay on it without side effects if it helps.

Best of luck to you both. Here's the website of a leading therapist whose work has really helped me. Keep trying different strategies until your son finds a way of handling his disorder that works for him. OCD can be challenging but is also controllable, and he doesn't have to settle for living with constant anxiety.

anxieties.com/homepage/index

[tk84 in reply to MothFir]

good description MothFir! I Wish I had startet the right Treatment also earlier... But nobody heard anything about ocd when i was younger..

[gioula]

Start therapy right away and medication ... we started partial hospitalization at Rogers in Illinois and Zoloft and now I can breath since I can see my son being able to handle it ... you can’t do it on your own or with books only . I was next to him throughout out the sessions and I am empowered to understand how help him now.

[Jackiemm1]

Thanks so much for all the advice. It is helpful to hear your stories especially when a parent is also experiencing this with their child. We are going for our 3 appt tomorrow with a therapist, he was on the OCD website and thankfully has begun working with us. I know I expected quick results and if nothing it has gotten worse. He is currently doing 3 Exposures for hw, some days are okay and others not. Is this normal?

[MothFir in reply to Jackiemm1]

In my experience therapy has good and bad days, but the overall trend should be improvement, after a certain point. It may take your son a few sessions to ‘get it,’ just like a person learning to ride a bike goes through an initial period where it seems like no progress is being made and then one day it starts falling into place. Be sure to mention your concerns to the therapist since he knows the situation, but don’t despair just yet!

[Jackiemm1]

Now my son doesn’t even want to do the therapy. Says it won’t help and doesn’t matter he doesn’t care. Any advice to get him on board? I am at my wits end, I’m researching learning reading and yet now he won’t work with me to help himself. Despondent 😭

[MothFir in reply to Jackiemm1]

This might be a better question for a parenting forum than an OCD forum. The situation is not really different than if he was refusing to do schoolwork, help with chores, or anything else that takes some effort but benefits himself and those around him. You could handle it the same way you might handle those other problems, asking advice from other parents who have struggled with a reluctant kid over any issue.

The best I can offer is a "message from the future," if you think it might help motivate him:

Tell him I have over 30 years more experience dealing with this disorder. I know how he feels -- the isolation of emotional pain that no one who doesn't have OCD can understand, the frustration of compulsions and ruminations that constantly demand attention, the feeling that the thoughts are so much a part of who he is that he can't imagine ever getting free of them. It sucks, and I'm sorry any of us ever have to go through it. But we do, just like some people have to go through life with one arm or diabetes or epilepsy. The only choice we get is what we do about it.

When I was 12, Lionel Richie was all over the radio, 'Crocodile Dundee' was in theaters, and only a few specialists knew anything about OCD. There were no web support groups or easy access to ERP or SSRIs. When my parents would threaten to take me to a psychiatrist because of all my washing and ruminating, I would try to hide my symptoms better because I didn't want to go. It seemed easier to just do the compulsions. So I understand that too.

As a result, I've suffered mild to moderate OCD throughout my life. It's come and gone in cycles, but when it's been bad I've missed out on a lot of good things. I've had to follow certain rules about what I could do, what I could eat, what I could read, and when I could do things. I've had to check the house for up to half an hour or more to make sure it wouldn't burn down while I'm gone. I've avoided using certain objects because I felt they were contaminated or something just "wasn't right" about using them.

I've ruined so many moments for myself -- parties, vacations, time with friends -- by either following these rules and avoiding fun things, or breaking the rules and then feeling incredible anxiety over my "transgressions." I've ruminated whole days away, functioning outwardly but being absent mentally as I replay the same topic until a new concern pushed it out of the way. NO ONE who does not have OCD can understand the pain and frustration this causes.

But it DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY!! I started medication about 20 years ago, and after finding one that worked, it helped a great deal. But I still had flare-ups where I spent weeks or months in distress about one topic or another. Only in the last year, after a particularly bad flare-up that prevented me from doing some of my favorite activities, have I gotten serious about cognitive behavior therapy and confronting my anxiety. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I've gotten some of the greatest relief I've ever felt.

I have not done therapy perfectly, and maybe that's a good thing -- it has made it crystal clear that when I do it right, it can work. When I make the hard choice to follow my therapy and resist my compulsions, I feel intense anxiety, but afterwards I feel empowered. Because of that I've had many days lately where the obsessions shut up, my mind is clear and I can think and perform tasks without the "what-ifs" popping up every 30 seconds. When I DON'T do my therapy, and give in to my compulsions, I slip back into that anxious state where everything is a trigger and my actions are merely reactions to anxiety.

My results have not been instant, and I've found that many of the techniques that work for some people just don't work for me. I've had to give each one a chance, but if months go by and nothing's changed, I've moved on to try something else. At some point things have fallen into place and I've found a system for framing my anxiety that helps me resist my compulsions. I've had to set realistic goals and build on each little improvement. I am making progress and am excited about a new phase in life where my obsessions don't have nearly as much control over my feelings, my actions, and my relationships to others.

I hope your son decides to keep giving therapy a chance so he can find techniques that work for him. Try to find out what's at the root of the problem. Does he get along with the therapist? Are they setting reachable goals? Is your son doing his exercises consistently? Is he expecting too much too soon? Therapy aims to change the fundamental way your son views his most basic emotions (fear, doubt) and it may take months of incremental progress (or no apparent progress) before he has the "aha" moment that really brings change.

If I could go back and force my 12-year-old self to get some help, clearly I would do it. I have had a good life and have much to be thankful for despite my OCD, but I have wasted so much time ruminating, worrying, and performing compulsions. The other day I tried to think of one bad thing that my decades of compulsive behaviors actually prevented from happening. I couldn't do it. The compulsive behavior IS the bad thing.

[kellikaye in reply to Jackiemm1]

Hi Jackie. I’m so sorry your son is having such a hard time. 😢 I have OCD and it is very distressing when you are in the throes of it. I do ERP therapy and it is extremely difficult but it does work. He is already greatly suffering and by doing ERP it will make it worse in the short term because he has to sit with his anxiety of not doing the compulsions. However in the long term your brain learns from this and you will get better. It takes awhile. 3 exposures a week for homework seems like a lot. Usually I have one exposure for my homework and it is something I feel like I can handle. Eventually they get harder once you get better at it. Make sure the therapist isn’t pushing him too hard too fast or I can definitely see how he would feel like throwing in the towel. I wouldn’t be down for that much homework honestly. Even one exposure is hard. The anxiety could be too much. Also I got on medication after being unwilling for a long time. I can say that it does help tremendously with the anxiety and the ability to handle the exposures. I’m glad that you have him in therapy and just remember that recovery is not linear so don’t give up! An OCD support group might help you son feel like he is not alone and seeing other people face their OCD will let him see that it is possible and may motivate him. I’m sorry for your family. You are a great mom to be helping him with this. My thoughts are with you!