need help with Relationship OCD

[jeremydutch]

I have a unique form of Relationship OCD and I wanted to see if there was anyone else out there with this type of OCD.

Brief history: I've had OCD since I was 13. It started with contamination OCD, and then turned into Gay OCD when I was 17 and lasted for 7 years. Then I learned about H-OCD and my Gay OCD vanished.

I'm 35 y/o and I've dated girls since my early 20's, but none of them turned into a girlfriend for 10 years. I found that there was always "something wrong" with the appearance of the girls I dated, they were never good looking enough, so I wouldn't commit.

After 10 years of this I decided I needed to do something or I'd stay single forever. I've always valued companionship enormously, and spending my life alone just doesn't fit me. So, 2 years ago, when it things started going well with one of my dates, I decided to "push through" the anxiety of her not being perfect and the urge to end it. I wanted to get out of this perfectionistic pattern because it hasn't been working well for me. It didn't got that well. My R-OCD became really obvious. Intense and near constant anxiety, panic attacks triggered just by seeing her, etc. Eventually I broke up with her after 7 months.

Which leads us to the present moment (I'm now 35 yo). I went on a date once with a girl and we had the best talk I ever had on a date. As always, though, there was a "but" : she was below my "bar" in terms of attractiveness. At the end of the date I remember kissing her anyway, but I didn't think I'd see her again. After I talked about it to my OCD therapist, he told me he thought it would be a good idea to see her again. I immediately started crying. Maybe I knew the pain that was ahead. To be clear, the flaws I obsess about are exclusively on her face: her nose (too big), her upper lip hair (too much of it), her skin defects, and sometimes more generally an overall felling of "ugliness".

Fast forward a year and a half. I'm still with her. We're in a relationship now. I think I really liked her (she's really amazing) and also I didn't want to let my OCD win. The ROCD about her face never stopped, and it's been a very tough year and a half. I've kept on seeing the same therapist (a renowned OCD therapist) who keeps on telling me to treat the topic with irrelevance, but I'm stuck. My OCD is as bad as on day one.

I spend most of my days in "fight or flight" mode. It is only about her face, nothing else. I think her nose is too big, or she's not attractive enough.

The typical scenario is like this: I'm going to look at her:

- 50% of the time I'm gonna think she's "acceptable", no anxiety, phew

- 50% of the time I'm gonna think she's not acceptable. In most cases I'm going think she looks ugly as hell. Massive anxiety. I'm going to sit with the anxiety. Sooner or later I'm going to look at her again, and it's a coin toss again. But usually I have "streaks" when I'm going to find her ugly most of the day and those days are hell. Some days I think she looks "acceptable" all day. How much of that is reality and how much of that is in my head: i don't know, and that question itself terrifies me.

My greatest fear is that her ugliness is real and I should break up with her. The paradox is that I think that she really is bad looking (or ugly) a good deal of the time, but somehow I don't want to break up with her.

Our relationship, besides that, is really great. I tell her I love her and I think i mean it. That also is so ****** up: how can you love a woman and at the same time find her ugly most of the time? We have sex, I'm never in the mood but I still do it like every week and enjoy it. She knows I have OCD but has no idea it's about her.

I've never asked anyone what they think about her face, because that would be a compulsion, right? My best friend told me she's pretty but well he's my best friend. Another guy once implied she didn't look stunning. But that's pretty much it, I don't have anything but my own perceptions to base "reality" on. And my perceptions tell me she's ugly 50% of the time I look at her. My therapist once told me I have BDD by proxy (it's like BDD but targeted at someone else). I don't know if he's right: I can't prove or disprove her flaws are really that bad. But it's clear I have hyper-vigilance to her facial flaws.

I don't know what to do, I feel stuck, I'm desperate. I've worked so hard and done hundreds of hours of exposures, in vain. I suffer a lot. I'm crying typing this.

I stopped meds 2 months ago and the anxiety is massive, I don't know how long I can take this. I meditate and run every day.

Any help is greatly appreciated.

[hopeandcourage94]

It does sound like you are in a vicious cycle of compulsions and obsessive thoughts concerning your SO’s appearance.

Maybe you should reevaluate what you think “beauty” is? Perhaps if you began reformulating your thoughts about what makes a women “beautiful” or “attractive,” you could then move forward with some semblance of peace.

I’m not very attractive myself (I have a huge nose myself and have considered rhinoplasty, but nixed that idea a few years ago), but I do not focus on outward appearances with my SO. Yes, I am attracted to him, but I love so many other things about him: his personality, his laugh, the dimples he gets when he smiles, his loyalty, and uncanny ability to know exactly when I need someone to talk to. We both have big noses, so we tend to joke about it together!

I would really focus on the other qualities of this women you think you love! Our outward appearance is going to fade as we get older, anyway.

There is no “perfect” person out there. Your partner will certainly have *something* you perhaps find unattractive or annoying, but are you able to look past it?

Wishing you the best!

[cambridgeborn]

Please do this lady a favour and let her go. I recognize that your illness is debilitating for you, but it could/would be devastating for her if she knew she was being perceived as ugly. I may sound insensitive to you, but I’m feeling most sensitive to her. Sometimes our illness needs us to step up and do the right thing by others; detach lovingly from her and let her find the partner she most definitely deserves.

[Hidden in reply to cambridgeborn]

I agree. She's not a form of therapy, she's a real person.

[hopeful0811]

Hello,

I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this pain... I too suffer from relationship ocd and have gone through hocd too.

i would ignore the last 2 comments, I found them pretty unthoughtful and not nice for someone who explicitly wrote that you were crying typing the message.

I'm not sure if you've tried acceptance and commitment therapy but that's what's helping me now. thinking about my values and what i want in a relationship while overriding my OCD brain is what's making me hopeful for my future.

You got this and stay in there!