Did it happen or didnt it??

[davidovergoliath]

Hello.. I have harm OCD which i think must be the worst form of OCD. A year ago I had a panic attack with my grand children in the room and in ensuing anxiety, fear and fight-or-flight response, my mind blanked out - probably to protect myself - and as a result I cant remember if the images that popped into my brain during this panic attach actually happened, I keep ruminating day and night trying to "remember" if anything did happen. In the meantime I am full of guilt , anxiety and fear. Has anyone ever experienced this?? How do I live with myself knowing that I will never know exactly what happened??

[anonymous_on_here]

You need to agree with the fear instead of fighting it

If you fight it, then it won't go away

I hope you feel better

[davidovergoliath in reply to anonymous_on_here]

Thank you!!

[3BirdLover]

When I hit a trigger for the 'harming others' OCD, yes, I've had my head make up things and I have gotten confused whether it happened or not. My logical head says it didn't happen, however the OCD part of my brain is in a panic and won't leave me alone. It keeps saying "what if, what if, what if...." It's a horrible battle inside. Been there...

[davidovergoliath in reply to 3BirdLover]

So what do you do in situations like that?? Thank you

[3BirdLover in reply to davidovergoliath]

My support system was always my husband (he passed away last March 2019). I would usually talk it over with him (to my embarrassment). He would re-assure me that it was just my mind playing tricks on me, which I really already knew, however it was always calming to me to have his re-assurance, and to vocalize the fact that my mind was not right. For some reason, having an outside person validate me helps. However, I don't know if this is the best way to handle it. It would be good to hear what others say. Actually I really dislike having to what I call "confess" my thoughts (ridiculousness of it all). Now my support system is not there. Lately this has been calm for me, and I'm hoping that the blow up doesn't happen again. My psychiatrist says it's good to be able to vocalize it and it's ok to get re-assurance, but I'd really like to be able to handle it myself. I've had alot of guilt inside of me since I was a child...I'm sure this has alot to do with it. I know I have to RESIST the impulse to act on it, as that just makes things WORSE the next time. I can't keep "confessing" to things that never happened. To be honest with you, I'm not sure what the answer is....anyone else please pipe in. Hopefully someone will offer us advise. This is my first day here. I know it's important to me to be on the right meds. If I'm not, I'm off and running....

[OCDbooks in reply to 3BirdLover]

I get this, I've had this type of OCD before; not necessarily to the extent where my mind blanked out, but to the extent where I would keep reviewing a situation again and again to make sure I hadn't done anything wrong, and because OCD thrives on making us try to reach certainty when we can't, this kept feeding the OCD. Davidovergoliath, if you haven't already, I'd recommend meeting with a CBT certified psychologist that will have you do ERP. Also, although asking for reassurance can be helpful in the short term, in the long term it can actually feed your OCD cycle. I had a lot of OCD around fear that I was suicidal when I was in middle school (which is different from being suicidal) and I would sneak into the bathroom everyday to text my mom all the thoughts I'd had so that she could reassure me that I hadn't missed anything and I wasn't suicidal. Once I started therapy, my therapist and I worked together to build a chart of how I could practice resisting compulsions, based on what felt most manageable to me, and eventually worked our way up to the scariest ones to resist – which included not asking for reassurance from my mom and sitting with uncertainty. So while asking for reassurance is good for helping to manage things when you're feeling really overwhelmed (I still do it every so often), once you've practiced some easier ERP with a CBT psychologist - they really will be the best at working with you - you'll get better at resisting the compulsions that feed the OCD cycle If it feels intolerable to sit with that uncertainty – as it did for me at times – a good CBT therapist can help you come up with a plan that is more manageable for you. If you don't have access to a CBT therapist, I'd recommend some books by Jon Hershfield, including The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD. At the end of the day, as painful as it is, the way to stop the OCD cycle is to sit with uncertainty, resist the urge to keep thinking about and analyzing past scenarios to try to determine if anything happened, and find ways to cope with that difficulty in the meantime and be self-compassionate. Know that by doing ERP and CBT, I've been able to really kick a lot of these high anxiety high OCD moments to the curb. We're all in this together

[davidovergoliath in reply to OCDbooks]

OCDbooks - Thank you, very much, for your words of advice. I am seeing a therapist are the CBT is working great. Unfortunately, I have found that it doesnt work well trying to work through past events. You are right, I have to settle back with the uncertainty and try to get on with my life. Thank you again for your extremely helpful advice. Best, davidovergoliath