(Venting) It’s a lot so here it goes. Here I am again. I’m feeling very vulnerable and scared right now. I feel defeated and so I came here to talk about it because I’m at my cross roads when it comes to dealing with this. I was asleep and I was awakened by so much anxiety worrying about it. My dreams are the only place this hasn’t reached me and hasn’t gotten to me. But when I wake up I’m back to the never ending hell in my head. So I’ve never been diagnosed with anything officially because honestly I’ve kept this to myself for sometime now but I can’t anymore. I have been dealing with really bad intrusive thoughts. I’ve had them as far as I can remember but they were never quite this bad where I’ve reached my breaking point. It’s heightened to a darker matter. I feel it says something about me as a person. Where I full on think I’m in the making of becoming a criminal for the thoughts I have. The first experience I had was like telling myself I loved something like god (when I was religious at the time) and I’d hear myself in my head echo back no you don’t, you hate god. It would fear me because at that time I was really god fearing and I thought I’d get in trouble for it. It worried me like crazy. I told my dad about it. I was about 10. He said it was okay, him telling me that reaffirmed everything will be okay. Afterward I felt fine for the most part. I mean I was a kid I got distracted by other things in my life. They got really bad once I was 21 and of course I didn’t know what any of it meant at this age either. Had a bad depression cycle and was constantly crying. So it feared me. I thought I was the only one with this issue so it made me feel like no one was around me even when I was in a room full of people. Literally thought this was a ‘me’ thing and no one will understand or be okay with this. I was thinking bad things about my friends, loved ones, any one I interact with and thought was a nice person and would never want to hurt them but my mind would take that and make me see bad things, that are inappropriate and often involving children. It hurt me and I would be out with my friends or at home with my mom and be sitting there concentrating to argue back with my thoughts. Begging myself to stop, I wasn’t even paying attention to what I was doing by that point. I felt frozen and time meant nothing because I was defeated. I was not having fun or even present for the things I was doing like cooking or shopping. It sucked the fun out of me. It was so bad that I finally decided to take my mom to the bathroom and cry to her that I’m terrible and I wish it all stopped as she consoles me. This was every other night. I felt ashamed of myself. My health as it is was already fragile and I was depressed plus my sleep schedule was bad. This is when I started saying things out loud to “help” it like “NO!” or “STOP” but only when no one was around to hear me. I still occasionally do when I had enough or I hit myself. To no avail. That’s when I came up with saying something every time I feel a negative thought coming on. Again, not knowing it was something others have that I will come to find out when I’m 24. So this made me feel more insane trying to say words that will “fight off” this thinking.. I was convinced it was working. And when it didn’t I started adding more things to it to help it combat my thoughts. Like making a stronger spell. Til I found the right thing to say. It involves me swallowing and saying certain words and having to say it without a instrusive thought disrupt me during it and if it didn’t work I tried again. For the most part I was okay but I was saying it every swallow I would make. I felt like a freak needing so say this per second to avoid a intrusive thought. Sometimes I didn’t even have to do it depending on certain days and how little my intrusive thoughts were. I was okay. I came to learn what this was when I was on yahoo answers looking for advice unrelated to this because I also had depression and anxiety and was struggling with the two. I just so happened to stumble upon a question and the answers in that question changed my life forever and I gained insight to what I was dealing with. The person mentions O.C.D the various types there are. Particularly intrusive thoughts. How people create rituals to help fight them off. Didn’t know there was a word for this or that this was a disorder. I was relieved but shortly afterward it didn’t mean much anymore and the thought of knowing that people had it didn’t help anymore. I was back to still fighting my thoughts and feeling wrong for them and if there’s truth to them. I didn’t know anyone in my personal life who had this so I still felt alone. Cut to me now. I’m friendless. Can’t speak to my sisters about it because it will probably freak them out and be wary of me around them or having me around my nieces who I adore. When I’m around them when I spend time with my family I don’t even have intrusive thoughts the whole time because I’m much too distracted and caught up in the moment until I’m back to being alone or in my room they will creep back up. But, New triggering intrusive thoughts have immerged. That have reached to a bad point. I haven’t bothered to do any rituals because the idea of it doing anything has worn off because my thoughts are so bad I cry about it and then think I’m unholy, a danger to those around me, and no one would want me near them. I often fear if I will become what I can’t control of my intrusive thinking. It hurts so bad. On bad days moving hurts because my soul is so distraught. I talk to zero people about this. I would hint bits and pieces to my sisters but nothing anyone takes a concern with. Or they think I have it in the bag because I do see my Doctor every 2 months or so. I was seeing an intern therapist but I was discouraged that once her 2 years were up of having to tell another person my issues and then them leaving again. I have requested a long term therapist. My Doctor agrees. Let’s see how well this goes with my appointment with a counselor and she will ultimately decide if I need to see one. This counselor was the one who referred me to see one in the first place so fingers crossed. I want to add that I never spoke up about this because like I said I didn’t have a longterm therapist I was seeing. I also didn’t want to say out loud that I had a problem and somehow the thought of it becoming worse that it’s now out there. I still want to make the effort to talk about this with a professional and see where it takes me. But for now I’m scared but like desensitized by all of this. I’m fearful of turning out the way my intrusive thoughts make me think about. That I’m the worst case of this. That it’s all me. I feel gross and nothing can convince me otherwise that I’m this perverted person and I should be jailed for it. It’s distorted the way I think of myself which let me tell you was always very little of myself but now worse. I haven’t been fighting them off like I used to because I give up. I have no drive. I have no fight in me and my mind has been eating away at me. Before I had hope but now, a deep depression as I get older, no friends, no purpose, no drive, or ambition. I don’t have a partner never had a real relationship with anyone where we have a title or anything like that. I’ve been recently questioning my sexuality and that’s another scary thing to process of whether I’m bi or gay. Which is terrifying me and something I didn’t want to come to terms with. And now that’s being used in my intrusive thoughts that I will harm girls. And I hate it. I can’t take it. Sorry for how long this is and any spelling errors or what have you. I’m scared of becoming everything I was never okay with and there’s no real hope for me. That I’m a lost cause and who can feel bad for me, I’ve struggled my whole life. I am the recipe of someone who’s failed themself and all those around them. If you care to reply thank you so much. I am in a very docile state of mind. I’ve always doubted myself didn’t always have a support system around me to instill positivity into me. So naturally I’m doubtful of my potential and at the age that I am 26 can I reverse the negative affects of this. I don’t do these kinds of things often where I discuss my issues and put it out there with great description. But I’ve done it before and in a way it helped when I had a bit of fight left in me.
I am so sorry for the autobiography. You can tell I don’t have any friends/family that I can discuss this with that the minute I’m given the chance to talk about something, it’s a lot.
how to accept thought is just a thought and live with uncertainty?
Is this an "incorrect memory"?
Intrusive thoughts
CRAVING FOR HELP🙏🏻
someone help! 
