Venting ( could maybe trigger someone )

[samantha277]

I know that I'm doing a compulsion right now. There isn't any excuse for it. I just feel very sad and alone. Today hasn't been very good. I've been trying very hard in school (I go to highschool) but my grades aren't what I want them to be, and I'm not making the progress I want to be making in guitar.

I know so far this has nothing to do with OCD yet but I'm getting to that. Me failing at the 2 things I care about most made me really sad. This triggered me to think about something I did in the past. Before I say what I did, I'll give some context. There was a week I went through that was definitely the worst I had ever felt in my life. I was in a deep depression which I think was PMDD. It was focused on being afraid I had an urge to do something towards my family members I don't want the urge to do. But out of a very immense amount of guilt and shame, I compulsively started googling things pertaining to having those urges and if it was okay if you weren't to act on them. Now that I look back on it, I feel I'm gross and creepy. I'm afraid this will ruin my relationship with my family. That is my worst fear. They're all I have and I love them very much. During that hell week I went through, I confessed to my mom and my sister that I thought I was having those urges, after the week I realized that it was all in my head probably, I say probably because OCD always makes me believe I can't be 100% sure. I instantly regretted telling them because then I had another concern that by telling them I made them uncomfortable. I think they knew it was in my head and not real. I still scares me though.

Thank you if you actually read all of that... I'm having a bit of a breakdown at the moment.

[Hidden]

I am sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time.

Let the thoughts be there.

It is an OCD thought.

The more you resist, the more it persists.

Do not have conversations with OCD.

Sit with the anxiety.

The thoughts will slowly fade away.

I know it is not easy, but we will have to keep trying.

We are here for you as a support.

We are together in battling OCD.

Hoping you feel better.

Take Care.