Hi. I'm new here. Found it through the international OCD Facebook page. I'm 45 and have had OCD for about 15 years. It started with car door handles & door handles and then things like appliances and windows. Then about 5 years ago I got a urinary tract infection. That started it off with showering twice a day and worrying that I'd get another one all the time. After a year or two I managed to get the showering down to once a day even though I had to do it a set way as per my OCD rituals. It progressed a little into being very particular about the way I went to the toilet. I also suffer from IBS-D so when I get an attack of that it doesn't help. Last year I unfortunately got another urinal tract infection. Since then the OCD has become totally unbearable. I now have contamination issues. I have so many rituals that I have to perform just to get through to the toilet. It takes me 2 hours to even get through doing a number 1 let alone when it's a number 2. I have to wash my hands all the time with a scrubbing brush and the bottom half of my arms too. I have to do this at least 3 times during going to the toilet. Even more if it's a number 2. I have a set ritual that I have to follow every time I go. It takes me a long time. I have music and numbers going through my head that I have to do the rituals to. It's not even music that I like. I can't bear noise from anything whilst I'm doing it all or I can't do it. So using a public bathroom as become a no go for me. If I have an IBS-D attack it is often in the early hours of the morning. I am often in the bathroom for hours whilst I have upset tummy and terrible tummy pains. Then when I finally am finished I always have to have a shower no matter how late it is. The shower has a set routine to it too. That takes me at least an hour of routines in showering. I am also a large lady and I have to put talc on under my bust and around my knicker line at the top of my legs so as not to get sweat rash. Until the last year I used to just put a good amount on but that was it. Now I have to coat those areas with it till I'm satisfied that it is enough to stop the sweat rash from forming. That takes quite a bit till I am convinced it is enough and then I have to do a routine of checking it with my husband watching to make sure it is ok and enough. I just can't get it into my brain that it is done and it is ok. I just get my brain to accept that any of my routines is done and enough and I'm ok. I can't function. I try not to go to the toilet till I have to because I know how long it will take me. I even don't drink too much so I can put it off. I hate showering even though I have to do them all the time again because of how long it takes me with all the rituals of it. I also have a misaligned pelvis which makes showering very difficult and makes my hip hurt. But I still can't not do the showering rituals even when it hurts. I just don't feel clean till I've done it a set way. All of this has been getting worse and worse and today it has just been the worst day ever. I had IBS the other night but for once didn't go in the shower straight after as it was 6am by the time it finished and I was so tired. So I cleaned myself the best I could and slept. I ended up sleeping all day yesterday. But then I woke up and had some food and drink. Then I had to have a shower and by that time it was gone 3am when I went in the shower. It took me even longer then normal. Then when I tried to put my talc on under my bust it just wouldn't go on right. I got more and more anxious and panicky till I had a total melt down and an almost breakdown. I just can't cope anymore with it all. I have no life anymore. OCD rules my life. I sleep all day because I can't sleep at night. So I'm awake all night. Then it takes me at least 2 hours in the bathroom going to the toilet to get to bed. I don't go out anywhere except to th supermarket once a week and to go it takes me over 2 hours to go to the toilet etc and get dressed to go. I can't use public toilets anymore with the time it takes me and the rituals and not having any noise whilst I'm in there. So I can't go anywhere for long anyway. I can't do anything any more. I don't work anymore because of it all. I'm close to a breakdown. I cry all the time. I say I want to die. I don't really want to die. I just don't want to live like this. I hate myself, my horrible ugly fat body and most of all my stupid brain that doesn't work. I feel that I will never be me again. I have no friends and only my mum who i havent seen for 4 years as i live abroad and shee lives back in the UK and i cant travel back to see her because of the difficulty with using public bathrooms etc. And my husband. I know it's wrong but I need him for reassuring me all the time during my rituals and he is very tired of it all and shouts at me and causes arguments all the time. I'm at the end of my wits. I used to be on meds when I was back in the UK but since leaving 4 years ago I have not been able to get them. I don't think that has helped. But over the last 4 years it has gotten so very much worse. I've now moved somewhere new. I intend to go see the doctor here and try to get back on the meds if I can at least. I recently bought a OCD book which I'm hoping will give me so practical help. I've tried others but they've never been any help. Hopefully this 1 will be. Sorry for the long post but I have no one to talk to and I just can't cope anymore.
CAN'T COPE AND JUST HAD A MAJOR MELT DOWN... - My OCD Community
CAN'T COPE AND JUST HAD A MAJOR MELT DOWN. CLOSE TO A TOTAL BREAKDOWN
So sorry to hear. I can relate. I had sinus infection last spring and got c-diff from antibiotics. I am terrified of spreading c-diff to my family.. I only use one bathroom gloves when I need to go and shower as well. I am colonized with c-diff so if I ever need another antibiotic it will be activated. I am so afraid I am going to get something.
Thanks for your message. I use vinyl gloves too when I have an IBS-D attack and any time I have to go to the toilet doing a number 2. Even then I have to wash my hands with a scrubbing brush still. I've got sire spots on my lower arms from the scrubbing. I wish I could stop but I can't as I'm so afraid of getting another infection. It's hell living a life in fear isn't it. No one understands. Life has become do unbearable. I want to get better but just don't know how to even start. I've had CBT therapy twice before and it didn't help at all. That was quite a long time ago. I don't think either of the therapists were right for me. Mostly it was just sitting and talking about it all and what my rituals were which were not as bad as now then. They never gave me any practical help or told me how to learn to cope. I'm not sure if I can get any help here much as I now live in France. But I've found out the local doctor speaks English so I think I'm going to go and see him first and try to see if he can get me back on some meds to start with and see where I go from there out here. I just can't carry on without any help at all.
Hi Marie; So sorry for all the pain you are going through.....Please please go to an OCD specialist- I feel for you and know the torment of OCD. Believe me, you need someone to work with you one on one and you may also be prescribed meds, which can help to calm things down for you immensely.
I’ve been there,
Blessings and hugs-😊
Hi Marie-
It breaks my heart to hear what you have to go through on a daily basis. I too have contamination issues and can relate in part to what you are going through. I also try to avoid the toilet and showering as much as I can because most of my rituals center around cleaning and making sure everything is as clean as possible. My husband has to wash the dishes most of the time because it takes me soo long to clean the kitchen. I hope you can find someone to help you as you don’t have to suffer so much. We all with OCD must learn to fight the OCD fears, something I am needing to do myself. Hang in there!
Hi Marie - Am saying a prayer for you and your husband. Surely there is a med that will work for you. Most of us who have OCD take meds to help. We're very lucky to have them. Don't give up.
I used to take Chlomipramine before when I used to live in the UK - but couldn't get it when I moved abroad - but I have recently moved to France and I'm hoping that I will be able to get back on them here. Most of the problem before was that where I was living abroad was Spain and there was no doctors there that spoke English. I was in a very difficult financial position there too which meant that I couldn't afford to get them without going to a doctor. I could have got them direct from the pharmacy there if I could have afforded them myself but I just didn't have the money. To go to the doctor there to try and get them would have needed a translator and I didn't have the money to even pay for that either. I had no transport either. Now I've moved to France and am in a much better situation. I have found out that the doctor in the village speaks very good English so I am much more hopeful that I can go and explain and get back on the meds. That will at least give me some support whilst I look into what other hep might be available to me here. And as I said on a previous reply - I've got a new book to try which I hope will give me so e practical help and some ideas on how to start learning how to cope. I've had no help or meds whilst I was in Spain for 4 years and during that time my OCD has got a thousand times worse. I have no real life anymore and I'm desperate. I hate my life and I don't want to carry on like this anymore. I want to fight it but I just can't without some help. I don't know how to. It rules my every waking moment - the minute I wake up it's there - as soon as I wake up the music I use for my rituals is there in my head. I feel like I'm going mad. It's a horrible thing to have no control and to have a brain that just won't function properly anymore. I get so upset and depressed. It's hard to know that you have something that will never be cured - it feels like a life sentence. I dread waking up every day. I get no sympathy from anyone - even my husband thinks that a lot of it is just me being a bitch. I wish he could spend a couple of days in my brain and see what it's like. It's a living nightmare. If I had a physical illness I think I'd get a lot more sympathy and understanding - but a lot of people think that all OCD is just that you're a cleaning person thanks to programmes like Obsessive Cleaners. I can't even clean a thing for fear of contaminating myself. My husband has to clean everything in our house. I can't stand to touch anything that has touched the floor. I can't clean a thing. I'm scared I'll contaminate myself if I do. If I try all I end up doing is feeling dirty and scrubbing my hands. Even when I do go out - when I get home the first thing I have to do is go wash my hands - not always with the scrubbing brush but with lots of soap at least. I can't even get into bed without going over the bottom sheet and brushing every little hair or thing off it with my hands over and over till I'm sure it's ok. OCD rules my life. I want to find a way to try and fight it but I just don't know how. It's so hard to live like this.
Hi Marie:
Those of us who have OCD know that it is the disease in control right now. I don't think other people can really understand us fully. I'm sure your husband knows you are doing your best to find help for yourself. I wish the best for both of you.
When I read that you feel like you will never be you again it brought tears to my eyes because I felt the same way. Welcome to the group and remember you are not alone! My name is Shey in real life and I am African American and I too have OCD😊.
I’m so sorry about what you are going through, but you must see someone who specializes in OCD right away. You need to get back on your medication. Best of luck to you. May God be with you.
Hello. I am glad that you found this community through the IOCDF Facebook page.
I am glad that you managed to cut down on time spent in the shower over a couple of years.
I have gone through a time period where utilizing the restroom took at least a half hour. This is due to my counting rituals.
I am so sorry to hear about the struggles that you are enduring when you use the restroom. It truly breaks my heart.
I also have music and numbers going through my head that I have to do the rituals to. Sometimes, it’s not even music that I like either!
I understand that rituals cannot be interrupted or they must be restarted.
My showers used to have a lengthy set routine to them too. This was due to my intense counting rituals
I also cannot make my brain understand that UNCERTAINTY IS ALRIGHT! I SIMPLY CANNOT GET MY BRAIN TO COMPREHEND THAT UNCERTAINTY IS ALRIGHT!
I was at the point where I was bed-ridden for multiple months because of my OCD.
Once a ritual has begun, it feels nearly mentally impossible to end the ritual. It really sucks
I am very sorry to hear that you recently endured your worst day ever. To be honest, I am happy that you are here to tell us about it
I also sleep all daySometimes
I was at the point where I could not cope with OCD anymore. I had no life at all. OCD completely ruled my life.
I had slept all day
I was at the point where I couldn’t complete any task at all. I used to constantly cry. I only wanted to
Die so that I could be rid of my OCD.
I told myself that I couldn’t live like I was living. I hated my fucking brain.
I thought that I would never be myself again. At this point, I realize that I will probably never be the same person that I had used to be but I now know that I am able to live a positive life.
I am sure that you have friends.
I am glad that you live with your husband. The reassurance rituals are
Common and lessen in significance when medicine is taken.
I used to be at the end of my wits as well and wanted to die.
I hope that you consult a psychiatrist as soon as possible and begin medication once again.
I am glad that you hope to go see a doctor and that you bought an OCD book.
That book will help you
You are loved.
The long post is fine
I am glad you posted
I am sorry about your current state
The next step is to receive medication
You will live through this
Very nice reply to Marie114- I am glad you have a handle on your OCD now- sorry to hear about your past troubles but you have managed to fight through this and I am proud of you and all the others who have done the same.
I have cut down the number of times I shower a little. At one time it was twice a day. But I do have to go every time I have an IBS-D attack as I don't feel clean until I do and I'm so scared of infecting myself. But every time I do shower I have a set ritual and way of showering that I have to follow. It takes at least an hour if not longer. Sometimes I get to a certain point where I'm suppose to be finished and I still have to do it just one more time and then sometimes one more. One more is never enough though is it with OCD. Even though my back is hurting, my legs are hurting or shaking and I still am not happy to finish. As you say if a ritual is interrupted I have to start all over again. Hence why I can't stand any noise or anyone interrupting me or talking to me while I'm doing them. Also because I have to listen to the numbers and music in my head that I'm doing the rituals to. My numbers are always repetitions in 4's or 8's or a combination of them. I think that's because I used to dance when I was younger so it's sort of like a dance routine which was always to the count of 4 or 8 beats as per music which is also why I think I use the music. The music always has to be something where it has 4 counts of 8 with something that signifies an end. But then I am suppose to use that end bit as the trigger that I've done the right amount of things to that number but then it I end up just repeating it over and over till it feels 'right' finally. And that can take a long time sometimes more sometimes less. It is never enough and the longer it goes on the harder it becomes to stop. So I end up repeating and repeating the rituals till finally it clicks. As you say it feels totally mentally impossible to stop a lot of The time. I feel so tired and frustrated and want to stop even while I'm doing it all but I just can't.
The way you were is exactly how I'm feeling. I don't really want to die even though I say I do all the time. It's just that I want the OCD to stop. I want to be able to go things 'normally' like other people do without this constant OCD. I hate my stupid non functioning brain so much. It's a constant war and battle to even be awake or to do anything of go anywhere. I hate having to go out now. I never used to.
I have no friends any more. I never had many any way but I've lost touch with those I had when I was younger and I've not made any real friends for years other then some work colleagues when I was able to work a few years ago and when I left those jobs they didn't stay in touch. I don't know hardly anyone here now I've moved somewhere new. I live in a static mobile home site now and there's only a few people who live here all year so it's hard to make friends here so far. I have only my husband, my mum back in the UK, and 1 friend who I talk to via Facebook. It's hard to make friends when I never go out much or go anywhere or when I have this problem. Most people don't or won't understand it. I used to try to hide it but I gave up trying to. Was tired of trying to hide it and realised that it did me no good hiding it any way. Why should I be ashamed of it. So I don't hide it anymore. As I've got older I realise it doesn't help to hide it.
Hopefully I can get back on some meds soon. I just want to learn to cope with it so that I can take back some sort of control and have some life back one day.
I have confidence that you will get your life back - I know how hard it is to have to do the tiresome rituals. I have a certain way I have to wash my hands and shower. Reading others post how they have overcome their rituals is very comforting to me and should give you help as well. You don’t have to suffer.
I am glad to hear that you have cut down the number of times that you shower daily. Is it down to once per day?
I understand the rituals during your showers. I had strict rituals that I needed to follow as well. This occurred every time I took a shower, as it does for you
It used to take me over an hour to shower as well!
Same with me. When I finished my shower rituals, I second-guessed that I had correctly completed the rituals and doubted their completion.
We both know that one more is NEVER enough with OCD.
All physical aches are ignored until the ritual is completed. I know exactly what you are talking about
The interruption of rituals used to be the worst because I would then have to restart the entire ritual
Your numbers-related rituals bring me back to the times when I needed to count during activities. I felt as if I needed to complete actions a certain number of times.
I also use music to complete my rituals.
The strict nature of the music in relation to your rituals is unbelievable. I am sorry to hear about the insane rules associated with showering that you suffer from daily.
I understand that you feel the need to conclude your rituals in a certain way. I used to hate the ending because of how important finality seems.
We both suffer from symptoms of “Just Right” OCD.
Anything AT ALL with this type of OCD has the potential to take an excruciatingly long amount of time
I repeat rituals constantly until they feel completed. I know exactly what that feels like. Seriously
It feels completely impossible to stop the ritual before its completion. Our brains wont let us stop
Again, physical aches come second to the completion of rituals.
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I know, for a fact, that your situation will improve with therapy and medication. I promise
I understand that you simply want the OCD to stop. You don’t want to die, but you want the OCD to stop. I completely understand this. I know exactly what that feels like
I still am not able to complete activities “normally” and I probably never will be. However, I have significantly improved in a multitude of ways thanks to therapy and medication.
I also dislike my brain
It is definitely a constant battle to even be awake. I completely understand that statement. Having to do ANYTHING or go ANYWHERE is an enormous mental battle.
I understand why you don’t like leaving your house. Hopefully, therapy and medication will help
I am sorry to hear that you do not keep in touch with others
There are only a few people who live there throughout the whole year?
I am glad that you have your mom, your husband, and your friend from Facebook.
I understand that you don’t have the mental ability to leave your house because of your OCD. I completely understand what you’re saying
Many people will not understand our OCD. True friends will
I hid my OCD, sometimes successfully, for many years. I understand that you initially tried to hide it but that it became too difficult to cover from others.
You should not be ashamed of it. It is not YOU. I am glad to hear that you do not hide it anymore. You are correct in saying that hiding your OCD does not help.
I hope that you will be able to get back on medication soon.
I wish you the best
You will have life back
I promise, you will
actually the showering isn't even once a day now - looking at it that way I guess that is an improvement in that but when I do shower it takes longer then it ever used to - sometimes it can be every day - it is if I have an IBS-D attack - coz of how bad the upset tummy gets. Often the IBS-D attack is in the early hours of the morning and I can be on the toilet for hours till it stops - then no matter what the time or how tired I am I have to go in the shower. Often it will be at stupid o clock in the morning but I just cant not do it no matter what the time is. And often it's when Ive been up all night in the toilet but still I have to shower. I am awake all night most of the time anyway - Ive become almost nocturnal now - Im awake all night and then go to sleep early hours of morning or even 8-9am and then sleep till about 6pm or a bit later - get up - 2 hours in bathroom going the toilet with the rituals and then up all night again. Its not really a healthy way to be at all but its how I am for now.
Thank you for your kind words - it is helpful to talk to other people who understand it all - I feel very isolated with no friends to talk to. Yes - there is only a few people who live on site all year round and only a few who are English and I don't speak that much French yet so that doesn't help.
It is so hard to deal with - people have no idea unless you suffer too or know someone who does. Even if you know someone who does you still don't really understand it like someone else who has it does.
Thank you for your replies and everyone elses too - it helps to talk about it with people who know.
Well I am glad that you don’t even shower every day! The next step is to work on the shower rituals.
Did your post cut off?
Total nightmare this week. The hot water boiler conked out at the start of the week. It has taken till the end of the week to get it fixed and so I've had to do all my rituals in the bathroom and hand washing with freezing cold water. I tried to use a sink of hot water from the kettle but it didn't work I just didn't feel clean enough using that. So I've had to use the freezing cold water from the tap even though it was so cold that just a few seconds under it made my hands so cold it hurt like heck. It's been a nightmare all week. And then to top it off I had an IBS-D attack night before last and had a really bad upset tummy all night for hours and I haven't been able to shower all week so I'm freaking out big time. Now I've finally got the hot water back on I just know I'm gonna be even longer in the shower then ever because of the IBS and coz I haven't been able to shower all week so that's making me freak out too. What a nightmare week. Just what you don't need when you need hot water to get through all the OCD stuff. I just hope I don't get a urinary infection. Can't stop worrying about it all the time. It's a constant worry in my mind day and night.
Feeling very ill. Had another IBS-D attack tonight. Horrible nasty tummy pains and bad upset tummy. Spent a couple of hours in the bathroom again. Feeling rather unwell. Was going to go in shower but wasn't up to it straight away so did my best to clean up and have been sitting on my bed watching some tv and wating till I felt up to it. But I've been here over an hour now and it's now 2.30am and I still don't feel well enough to get in the shower. Longer I sit here waiting to feel better the more I don't want to go in the shower tonight even though the OCD is screaming at me to do so. I don't know if I feel well enough to do it knowing it will take me so long to do it and at such a late hour. I feel too ill and too tired at the moment and I don't know if I can tonight after all. I really feel like I desperately need to get clean after the IBS and the OCD side is telling me I have to no matter how late it gets but I'm just so tired and feeling sick. My logical side is saying that it won't do me any good doing it now and to do my showering rituals will take too long this late and I have to bend over with my foot on my shower stool to rinse myself which means I'll be bent over with my head down and that will make me feel worse in my tummy. So I'm trying to go with the logical side and trying desperately to ignore the OCD at least for tonight, get some sleep and do the showering tomorrow. I hope I can fight it at least this once tonight. I'll still have to do my usual going to the toilet rituals anyway and hopefully that will be more then enough tonight. I hope so.
Has been really hard the last day or so. The hot water boiler broke down again Sunday early morning. Same fault code so there must be more wrong with it. It was just after midnight on Saturday night really. I was just about to finally go and have my shower too and now I haven't been able to. No hot water again. It only worked for just over a day and then I was ill so didn't get to shower at all. Haven't showered in over a week now due to the boiler problems. It's now Monday afternoon here and still no hot water. Having huge troubles finding a plumber here who speaks English and will come. And now my period has started and I'm really heavy with it to top it all off. So now I'm trying to deal with that aswell without hot water. I'm struggling to wash my hands as the water is so cold. I'm freaking out massively and having panic attacks every time I use the toilet. I've now had to resort to using my latex gloves while going to the toilet and to change my tampons as I just don't feel clean enough to do it without as I can't do my hand washing properly to my OCD satisfaction. So I'm doing my best using gloves and crying and having panic and anxiety attack whilst using the toilet. I feel so dirty. I'm struggling to cope. I still feel unwell from the IBS attack the other night too. This is a total nightmare situation. Someone is coming today to do a temporary fix hopefully. Got a French plumber coming tomorrow but I don't speak French so a French neighbour is going to try her best to translate for us as she speaks quite good English. I hope we can get it fixed soon. Don't know what is wrong with it or how much it's going to cost but got to have hot water soon or I'm going to have a breakdown totally. What a nightmare. Can't cope with this much longer!!!
Well. Not very well. Got what I thought was thrush about 5 days ago. Nasty itching and burning when I go to the toilet. And feeling like I need to go a lot although when I try it's just a little. Took a thrush oral tablet but it's no better. Managed to speak to an online UK Pharmacist and he said it's a urinary tract infection. So must have got it when the hot water was off and I couldn't shower even though I had an IBS attack during then. Online pharmacist is sending me some antibiotics but it's going to take 4-7 business days to arrive and after a few days I realise i can't wait that long as the itch and everything is driving me mad. So I've made an appointment to go see a doctor here Friday afternoon. Have been awake all night. Finally managed to get into bed after the usual 2 hours OCD bathroom rituals and then got terrible tummy pains hit. After about an hour of laying there and crying with the pains getting worse I've got an IBS attack. So now in bathroom with upset tummy. And then of course I'll be in the shower once that subsides. Only thing is that it is only 1pm and not at the usual early morning hours but I didn't get any sleep last night. So I'll be really tired by the time the IBS finishes and I've showered. So sick of being unwell all the time. I've also recently started having perimenopause symptoms in the last few months. Got flushes, permanent PMS, moody and angry and crying all the time, and my periods are all over the place last few months. All that and all the OCD, IBS and now urinary infection - it's all too much at once to cope with. At least when I'm at the doctor I'm going to also ask about getting back on the OCD meds and ask him about all these perimenopause symptoms whilst I'm there about the urinary tract infection.
Been to doctor today. Got an infection so given me some antibiotics and some other pills for the pain. Also some pills to help with perimenopause symptoms for now. Gotta go see nurse in next 1o days and have a full blood test. Told him about my OCD a little and he said we'lldiscuss that after the blood tests. So hopefully can get back on OCD meds soon once I've sorted out this infection and had the blood test. Hopefully that will all be ok.
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