Feeling depressed and despair. Torn between l... - More To Life

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Feeling depressed and despair. Torn between love and being a mother. My dilemma.

Khemica profile image
4 Replies

Hello. This is my story and I am hoping to find some support and hoping that some here might be able to relate to my situation and without judgement.

Is anyone here in a relationship where the issues of having difficulties to conceive lies with one partner due to their chronic illness?

I have been with my fiancé for 4 years and he has end stage renal failure and is now doing dialysis treatment 3 times a week. He has been doing haemodialysis for almost 2 years now. I was 34 and him 36 when we met and for the first 2 years of our relationship we had our freedom, had normality, no dialysis. Things were great and they were the best two years of our lives and I knew he was my forever one. We got engaged and made plans for the future, including having a family.

In 2016 he was suddenly told by his consultant that he will need to start dialysis and life for us is now so very different to what we planned and wanted it to be. I didn't cope very well with the changes at first, the loss of freedom to do what we wanted. It felt like our future plans were all shattered, especially with having a family. I was in absolute despair about it and I sank into a deep depression.

I am now 38 and still no children as fiancé has such a low sperm count and our chances of conceiving naturally are practically zero. He has had 2 semen analysis done, both very low results. We have explored IVF but it's not affordable for us and doubt they will accept my fiance due to his condition. I love him with all my heart and there is no one else in this world that I want to marry and have a future with, have children with, but he is on the transplant list and who knows how long he will be waiting to get a transplant.

Words cannot describe how much i love this man, and i made a choice to stand by him and support him through his illness, however, I thought i had come through that really dark phase of frustrations and sadness and every other emotion that comes with this situation... and for a while i thought i had found some acceptance that if I want to be with this man then I'm never going to have normality or children. But I don't think I have fully grieved and accepted it at all. I really crave normality and being able to do the things that couples in love tend to do in life... but mainly, I am struggling to accept that I will never be a Mother whilst I'm in this relationship.

Recently, I have had all the tests done which results have all been fine, plus I have been pregnant before years ago when i was younger, though i was not in a loving or functional relationship at the time so I did not take that pregnancy to term, which reflecting on now, I look back on whether I had made the right choice, finding myself in the situation I am in now. Could that now have been my only chance gone.

I just feel so utterly torn between my relationship and my decreasing fertility... I've recently turned 38 and i can't wait much longer if I'm going to have kids. I am in absolute turmoil about this. Should I stay because I do love him and want him, but then should I leave to give myself the best possible chance of motherhood and meeting someone else? However, of course, there is no guarantee that I will meet a suitable someone else anyway. But what if...

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Khemica
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4 Replies
Birdboy1 profile image
Birdboy1

Oh my goodness. You and you partner have been through so much in the last few years. Blimey I can’t even imagine how though things have been for you.

I really can’t advise on this issue as I have no experience in what you are going through. All I know is I couldn’t go through this process without my husband as he keeps me strong.

Have you considered donor sperm? This maybe a better option enabling you to stay with your partner.

Good luck on whatever you decide.

I haven’t been on this forum long. But everyone are so supportive. Xx

Sammylou51 profile image
Sammylou51

Hi.

Sorry to hear your story and the struggles you have been through. It must be so tough for you. I know what your going through with the wanting to be a mother completely. I have been on this journey too but I am the one with the medical problems stopping us conceiving.

It sounds like you are in a really loving relationship and they are not easy to find. I would suggest exploring all other options first. Have you been to a clinic to discuss sperm donors? Or looked into adoption? I know I had to explore everything before I could make a choice and it might help you to make a decision too.

Good luck with it all. Xx

Vivienne09 profile image
Vivienne09

Oh my goodness Khemica, it could have been me writing this about 12 years ago. In my case it wasn't illness but the fact that the man I love had had a vasectomy about 15 years before he met me, and was quite a lot older than me and didn't really want to have more children. I too felt utterly torn. I felt like I was in a no-win situation - I had a benchmark for an amazing relationship and couldn't imagine bringing a child into the world with anyone else, (and who said I'd find anyone anyway) but then couldn't imagine being childless either... I call that my 'tumble-drier' phase - I was going round and round and couldn't see a way out of my turmoil. I was driving myself mad with what-ifs, and driving us apart.

But at some point I realised something: I was making up/imagining several versions of the future, none of which were actually real (because we can't tell the future, right?) and I was getting distressed that they didn't match my 'perfect version' (which was also made up). I assumed I would be unhappy without children, that I would always feel a void where they should be. I was wrong. Once I saw what I was innocently doing (and some other realisations along the way about how my value (and yours) is not tied to whether or not I have children), I was free to choose my love without regret and without feeling like I was missing out on something.

That's obviously just my story, I'm not saying you should or will see what I saw, and I'm not giving you advice about what to do, but just letting you know that even if it doesn't feel like it right now, your happiness isn't dependent on anything 'out there' - it's an inside job. You can be happy, at peace, fulfilled, whatever your decision.

All my love

Vivienne

lc01sw profile image
lc01sw

Hi Khemica, you and your fiancé have been through a tough time,I haven't been through what you have but have you discussed your feelings to him? Hope it works out for you both. All the best x

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