Marriage Advice

[Katybetter]

I always thought that not being able to have children would bring a couple closer together. May even be easier because you don’t have the stress of children or the shift in the relationship that children bring. Now I’m thinking that without the natural pull children bring it may actually be harder to keep the ‘flame’ going. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice on this?

[annier60]

Unfortunately my husband and I split..he didn't give me any emotional support or even talk about things. .he said he didn't like to talk as it upset me ..I said ..but I am upset anyway. I always felt that he was almost "relieved" when we finally gave up ..I was the one to make that decision as i couldn't handle the emotional roller coaster any more. .maybe I am being unfair but that's my story.

.

[Vivienne09]

Hi Katie,

In my experience, and how I see it works, is that how close you feel to your partner is directly related to how much thinking you've got going on. I felt really distant and disconnected from my husband when I was in my 'tumble-drier' phase of overwhelming thinking and feelings, but when I truly came to peace with living my life without children, it felt whatever was getting in the way had just fallen away. We are now closer than ever and I love my life (and him).

There's no right or wrong, we're all just doing the best we can. You'll find that everyone has a different opinion and a different story on this one, because we're all human beings and live in our own universe of our thinking. But please know that it's in no way inevitable that 'not having children' should spell the end of a relationship or put distance between you.

Lots of love

Vivienne

[Julieo_13]

I think this is very individual. If your relationship is not strong I think the stress of not being able to have children would most certainly tear some apart. I also think there are certain stages relationships go through dealing through the grief. Personally I have been luckily, it cemented our relationship. Only us pulled each other through, only us understood our true feelings. We support each other when one is feeling down. Relationships no matter what you go through will be tested at times. I believe for whatever reason we where meant to be just two, so we are trying to make the best of what we have, and embrace life for what is now is. Just us two. Don't know if this helps but there is always highs and lows of any relationship x

[_MrsC]

Hi. We definitely became closer during the treatment. Despite having been together for 13 years before we got stronger. We have already been through some pretty tough times as a couple so I think that contributes to our general acceptance that we will just get through. Now we have decided to stop treatment, the norm is returning and I like it. We aren’t living to a tightly run schedule where one can resent the other as let’s face it, that is what happens. The pain of being childless is still pretty unbearable but day to day we’re in ok shape. We’ve been through a tough battle and have the scars to remind us. We didn’t win but we survived. Our marriage is stronger and we are resolutely tied to one another. For me, it’s not about the flame. It’s having my best friend love me despite the scars and maybe a little because of the scars.

[Katybetter]

We were really really close & strong. Up until the news & a family bereavement. Then it felt different, distant. He wasn’t being very supportive. It’s gone back to the way it was now, I think. I’m hoping it was the shock of such awful news.

‘Flame’ was the wrong word to use. Maybe I meant spark. That look you see in someone’s eyes & that feeling you feel when you see it.

I think we’ll be ok. It’s just a difficult time. Thank you all for commenting. This forum is really important to me x

[Duchy82]

I think at first it was really hard as we were both grieving in our own ways. He was able to come to terms with childlessness sooner than I did and struggled slightly, I think, with how to deal with my emotions. To be honest our sex life was destroyed for a while too due to the infertility and the treatments. Let's face it the fun sort of gets sucked out of it due to the timings required to conceive it becomes a chore.

But keeping communication open and talking about our feelings we are now closer than ever and are very happy together. I still struggle at times especially if the conversation in groups turns to children and parenting as I have little to contribute and feel left out. But I like to now focus on the positives and try not to dwell on the negatives really I was determined from the day we decided to stop trying not to become angry and bitter so I have never allowed myself to focus on the negative.