Needing support

[Feeling_blue]

Hello, I'm new to forums but am hoping to hear from other people in the same situation may make me feel better about myself.

I've been trying and failing to have children for the past 4 years as I fail to ovulate. I've had one failed ivf, didn't even get to complete as it was cancelled as my eggs weren't good enough. I was told by the clinic that my situation was rare and infertility unexplained.

I'm only 31 but this whole process of not knowing whether I can have kids or not is so tough. I'd rather be told it's not going to happen then I can try to deal with it, this small hope I have is dwindling fast.

I have no idea if I can try ivf again or any where else to go.

Everyone around me has children so it's difficult to talk to them. I've also not told my family about my troubles, do you think I should or will this add pressure?

Has anyone been through a similar situation to me that can offer advice?

Thanks in advance

Amy

[Ellen6]

Hi Amy. So sorry to hear about this. People on here understand. It's not easy when all your friends are having children too. When my partner and I finally gave up trying in the summer I did tell some of my friends ( including some who have children). They were very supportive.

Difficult to advise re: whether you tell your family or not. Guess it depends how close you are to them and how your relationship is with them. My siblings know but not my mum as when tried to talk about it with her she was insensitive and then in the autumn I was in a town with my family and I was carrying my baby nephew in my arms my mum's comment was " bet you want everyone to think he's yours". It was very hurtful. So I think your gut will tell you who to talk to about it. I certainly don't bother discussing it with my mum! My sister has been great though.

If your family care about you, it shouldn't add to the pressure - it may be just the support you need, but only you can really be the judge of this based on your past dynamics / history with them.

You may find that even your friends who have children, may actually be supportive??? Is there a long term friend you have who you could maybe share with?

I can see why you feel alone. It's heart wrenching.

[Maseymoo_72]

Hi amy, I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. I've also been through ivf and unfortunately my attempts where also cancelled due to my eggs being too immature, unfortunately this happened twice. They then gave me some slightly different medication and tried icsi but sadly only one egg was fertilised but was very poor quality so that didn't work either. My last attempt was using De which two where good quality and one reChed the blastIcysts stage but sadly it didn't get any further so it wasn't meant to be. :,( . I had had a miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy prior to treatment. I was told it was highly unlikely I would get pregnant. I'm 41 though now but I still have a tiny bit of hope because that's what keeps me going, I find it very difficult around friends and family who all have kids I feel the odd one out. Having said that I do have a couple of very supportive friends who have seen me go through all this they have kids and are very supportive. I agree with Ellen follow your instinct about telling family, my close family know but I don't think they realise how awful I feel at times as I put a front on although I do avoid family get togethers to protect my own feelings. Be kind to yourself and everyone on here understands. Infertility is a very lonely journey but remember on here you aren't ever alone, we're here to support each other, take care and the best of luck 💐

[slp303]

We didn't tell our families for awhile, not really until we started IVF. I told them because my mother, however well-meaning, had said that she understood and accepted that my husband and I had decided not to have children, and I just wanted to let her know that we actually didn't have a choice. I thought it might ease her mind a little.

To be honest, now that everyone knows, I feel better. That's not to say that family can't say something that is completely hurtful sometimes, but I think that's down to them just being a bit clumsy and not really knowing how to reply.

I am in a different situation to you in that I actually have many family members and friends who have chosen not to have children, and some who were unable to, and so I go to them to get insight on how they see their futures without children. This is helpful, but even this sometimes doesn't help that sad feeling inside.

But I personally feel that the thing that has offered me the most help as of late has been seeing a counsellor who specialises in infertility and to whom I am able to *really* say how I am feeling. It's early days and just a few sessions, but I feel like I am beginning to better understand some of the negative thinking patterns that are naturally arising from our infertility and to cope better with the uncertainty... I think I will carry on with this while we begin to accept we won't have children.

Good luck! And know you aren't alone.

[Katybetter in reply to slp303]

Sorry to jump in. I've just contacted a local counselling foundation as I feel I need professional help in dealing with this. I'm so pleased you find it helpful!

[Katybetter]

We have also been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. I would so rather they say XYZ is the issue and that's it it's over, so I can move on.

[slp303 in reply to Katybetter]

I agree, it's unexplained for us as well. And I am stuck in this in-between where I feel it's time to stop, but since we don't really have an answer, I am afraid of stopping treatment 'too' early. This in-between space is leaving me with emotions that are bouncing all over the place, so I hope that more counselling can help me find a little hope again too. I'm also trying to talk one-on-one friends who have specifically chosen not to have children and ask where they find hope and excitement for the future. They are happy and fulfilled, which gives me a tiny bit of hope...

[loumic13]

Hi

i had been ttc for 4 yrs, i had to go through fertility clinic as I wasn't ovulating, ovulated 1st month carried on with the clomid for 2 yrs. After no baby I had a laparoscopy and was told I had severe scarring and I would never have children. We are not entitled to ivf on nhs as hubby has a child from previous. I am 36 and a yr after being told this I'm still struggling to cope especially as I work in nursery and we have parents pregnant and loads staff it's not a fair world when some people fall so easy and some people abort etc.

[Nadine252]

I to have been ttc for 3 years and have the unexplained fertility and I am now being transferred to a specialist I do not no how to cope with the situation it's so hard I litterly can't stop crying and anxiety is taking over my life with it I have just had 4 weeks off from work due to the fact I just couldn't face it and now I have gone back I have cut my hours down but now I am panicking about money it's a vicious circle but I just can't face work until I deal with this situation I feel totally lost I went to see my gp who gave me Prozac but I don't want to take them as i am ttc but has refered me for counciling which I think will really help me it's just waiting for the appointment this really is the most horrible gut feeling ever