IVE STARTED 2 HURT MYSELF AGAIN, WHAT... - Mental Health Sup...
IVE STARTED 2 HURT MYSELF AGAIN, WHAT CAN I DO 2 STOP THIS?
Hello' i have just read your question and i feel very upset for you, please don't keep hurting yourself, you must be in a very bad place if this is how you feel, go to see your GP who will i'm sure get you the help you truely need, do you have family who will listen to you and support you? keep you r chin up and get some help at once.
please keep us informed of how you get on.
Goldielocks.
hello goldilocks and thankyou so uch for your reply, my family dont care and i try 2 hide it from y partner and children, i have been to my doc's but the help on offer is no use, the pain of my past sometimes leaves me feeling so choked that te only way i can make it stop is to cut myself or giv myself a cig burn, i hate feling like this. It's nice to know someone on this huge planet has given me a second thought, so many thanks.
I understand that you want to hide this from your family, but you must talk to someone. A good step would be talking to the Samaritans-08457 90 90 90 (UK) 1850 60 90 90 (Rep Ireland), as they can lend an ear when you're low and maybe help you work through some of the issues you are having. I truly hope this helps.
Good luck.
Amy X 
Hi Karin,
Please dont punish yourself for something that is not your fault, I am sure your family do care they just dont know how to help you.
Theres nothing in your past that you cant put behind yourself if you really want to, hurting yourself wont resolve anything. Your anonymous so talk to me, anybody on here will listen, try to make sense of it all, bringing it out in the open hopefully will help you, you gotta get it sorted!
When I dont like the thoughts inside my head, I say "THE" to myself at irregular intervals, it refocuses the thought pattern. Give it a go ?
From somebody else that cares. Jim
Hi' karinar 32,
i'm glad that you read my post to you, you say your doctor is no help then i say change your doctor or make your own doctor listen to you you have a right to be helped so demand it, i know it's ok for me to say this but it's true.
you need to let your partner know how you are feeling you need someone to lean on....please tell him...
take care,
Goldielocks X.
Hi Karin, I use to self harm as well. My arms are now a mess from it but I did learn how to stop. When I use to get so overwhelmed with emotion I'd want to hurt myself instead I would do an intense workout. Not only will it wear u out so ur to tired to want to hurt urself but exercise always helps ur brain produce a happy chemical called seritonian (may have spelt that wrong I'm on my mob so can't check). Also I'd go for long walks with my iPod speed walking to anywhere..just until I calmed down. I've been told holding ice works for some people. Maybe punching a pillow? And my family and friends would always be very angry at me for hurting myself and say why would u be so stupid.
thakyou for your thoughtful reply, i tried running but it only helped for a while, and to be honest i dont feel i have the energy to even put my trainers on these days, my parents have destroyed my head they hate me and tell me so. im in my early 30's and i thought i would have grew out of this, but it gets worse and hurts more, my parents took my kids off me years ago andmade my kids hate me, i was in court for 10 years against them whic also destroyed me, i found out a few weeks ago it was a waste of my time, because they are now in care homes alone, and i only get to se them every few months, but my heart aches fr them every day, i have my other two children that live with me and i adore them, but the pain for not having my other two jus ruins everything. My partner has told me i will never see any of my kids again if he catches me self harming, and he will kick me out so ill have nothing. that's the reason i burn myself instead of cutting, I,ve also started punching doors when im alone, it,s gettin so bad that i will jus bang my head hard off the wall to punish myself for the pain ive caused my beautiful kids. i wish i had never been born.... arghh
Your parents dont sound very understanding and im sorry to hear that, i dont want to pry into your private life and if you dont want to tell me its fine, but why did they feel they had to take your kids off you? Im only asking so i can understand your situation better im not here to judge you. Are you on any anti-depressants ? I know alot of people dont like going down that route, i didnt want to. But when things have got really bad i go back on them. They help to stop repetitive thoughts and they calm you down. You can get through this karinar, you just have to stay strong minded & dont beat yourself up on the days you cant be strong its ok cry. Maybe you could do a little book of just words of reasons why you shouldn't hurt yourself and maybe add pictures or whatever you think may help. Im going to say this part quite straight (please dont feel like im having ago because i do understand) your going round in circles, if you want your children back and not to effect your children you have you, have to stop Self harming. Your doing it because you dont have your children but hurting your self is not going to get them back, it will just make it more difficult to get them back. And dont beat yourself up because sometimes just thinking like that doesnt stop you from doing it. if you were such a terrible person you wouldnt care, And you clearly do care! Just remember depression is an illness & every time you slip up and self harm again dont beat yourself up again.Tomorrow will be a new day,a fresh start! I have self harmed since i had my daughter, and i felt awful because i promised myself i never would do it again as soon as i became pregnant & id never want to give her any reason to end up being like me. But its hard to break that cycle, if you dont know any other way of releasing emotions. The past is the past and what has been done has been done, You have to try and look forward now. Visit your children as often as you can and show them you love them and if they dont respond straight away because of what theyve been told etc. Try not to get angry or to hurt your self because of it. It can be a slow process, it takes time! But you will get there you can rebuild that bridge again. Every child loves there mum and dad regardless of what has happened, yes they may give you a rough time depending on there ages and you have to remember there entitled to be angry they have feelings to but you will get there if you continue to show up to visits,ring them often, send them cards on there birthdays. One day they will be old enough for you to sit down and have a proper talk with them and explain to them the truth of what has happen. Say sorry, let them be angry. Explain to them about what its like to have a mental health problem. Be open and honest! Just remember take each day at a time. Things wont change over night and you cant change what has already happened. But you can change the future! I wish you all the best karinar stay strong x
Ah phone sent the msg before I was done. Its not stupid and I understand how intense all them emotions can be. If you ever need a chat,a rant or a moan feel free to msg me. I hope things start looking up for u soon x
I was really shocked when I read about your partner's comment that if you don't stop cutting you will never see any of your kids again - maybe he meant well and was trying to jolt you into stopping cutting, if so then he doesn't understand why people cut, or does he put you down to make you feel inadequate? Telling you to stop cutting in order to get your two children back and to keep the other children is suggesting your problem is cutting when it isn't! Your children won't have been taken away because you cut yourself but because there are other difficulties that you are only able to manage by cutting. At this point in time you are unable to find less damaging ways of coping with emotions and that may be thought a risk to the children. I do not know whether you will ever get your children back, but you do have a right to know whether that could ever be a possibility if you were coping differently with your feelings. It is clear you are not getting enough support, as though you cope well on a practical level but struggle with emotions.
People who self-harm have usually been struggling for much of their lives with pain resulting from experiences which were not their fault, such as abandonment, neglect or abuse. You really do deserve to be given help to deal with such feelings, to share your experiences with someone, to talk about what has happened to you at different periods in your life and to share the pain that has been too much for you to bear on your own. None of us should have to cope with so much pain alone. If you haven't already had help from a mental health specialist who deals specifically in self-harm then I would ask your GP to refer you to such person for an in depth psychological assessment. You may have to go via a psychiatrist (although you are NOT mad!) or a clinical psychologist, or there may be a specialist unit for complex mental health problems nearby. You may be very deeply depressed and find cutting enables you to feel more alive or you may be very angry, and you are probably both. You need and deserve to be given help. Group therapy can be helpful for people who self-harm. It doesn't stop the self-harm but does offer an opportunity to express the pain that is making you want to cut yourself. Everyone needs help when pain becomes too much to bear. People who self harm shut off because the pain has become too much but then cut in order to feel pain again because even pain is better than feeling half dead. I never self-harmed but have often had the desire to do so by drinking myself into a permanent oblivion or committing suicide which is a final act of self-harm. You love your children and want help, so do seek help from the specialists who are there to help you and insist on getting referred to them. If they are not helping then tell them how you feel about that and ask what other help is available. Do please also ask whether there will ever be a possibility of the children who are not living with you being returned home if your behaviours change: if you do have to lose them permanently then knowing that will be better than not knowing whilst hoping they will but feeling unable to stop cutting. You musn't blame yourself as you are not to blame - cutting is the only way you can find at the moment of dealing with all that has happened to you. Those things were NOT your fault! I'll be thinking of you and hope you do manage to find the help you need. Sue
From all i have in me thankyou for all you said.You are the only person in te world who gets it... no 1 in my life has ever seemed to understand where im coming from.My s called mother never loved me, i was oneof five kids at home but mum said i was the bad apple the evil one. She made my brothers and sisters stay away from me and even made them call me the thing in the attic(because she always made me stay in the bedroom because she couldn't stand the sight of me). i'd come homefrom school on a friday and most ofthe timei would be sent straight upstairs till monday. I would sit at the window watching them playing and having fun.I asked my parents to help me with my 2 eldest becuse they were 15 mnths and my other was 3 wks old, i was struggling because my extremley abusive and violent husband was harrassing me and telling me he would break my kids legs if i didn't get back with him. But instead they thought it would be better 2 get a residence order and they live with them because i could not protect them. She did not let me see them after that i had 2 take them to court, until i got supervised contact. She made my kids call them mum and dad, then over the years she had my kids at different hospitals saying they were having epileptic fits and behavioral problem's. They were then given meds for epilepsy, ritolin for a.d.h.d and other meds to help them sleep. I took this to the courts saying they were healthy normal children with no health issues when they moved in with he.It took 3 years of investigation before they realised she was self medicating my children, at which point the children were taken into care homes. That broke my heart in two.My two eldest are no longer on any mediction and are healthy.I will never forgive that woman or my so called (puppet on a string) father.I will in time get the help i need for my childrens sake.Thankyou for takin the time out of life to listen to me xx thankyou.
Hi Karin, I'm glad you felt that I understood you. It is difficult to know whether a response will make things better or worse when it's all in writing, but I felt it was important to be honest and trust my intuition.
I know from my own experience that it is incredibly hard to find understanding, especially when there's been so much trauma and abuse. I'm only able to empathise with some of what has happened to you because someone has offered me that kind of understanding within therapy. It must all be so difficult for you to cope with. It's so sad that your mother viewed you as the bad apple and morally wrong that she said it to you! You must have been extremely hurt and angry, perhaps even came to feel hatred towards her for having said that to you. My mum said something similarly horrible to me and I hated her at the time but I was an adult when she said it and so had more ability to understand why she felt that way. When your mum called you the bad apple you were only a child and shouldn't have had to deal with trying to understand such a horrible comment. It's really sad that she felt that way towards one of her own children. I wonder what had happened in her own past that had left her with so little ability to love you, whether perhaps you reminded her of a partner who had hurt her and she took that out on you.
I found it almost impossible to believe that she made you stay in the attic weekends and kept your brothers and sisters away from you but I know it must have happened because you are telling me about the experience with such obvious pain. I feel really angry on your behalf. I felt isolated throughout my childhood and much of my adult life but not through any intentional behavioural on my mother or father's fault. My isolation was because they couldn't help but keep me at a distance emotionally, because of their own emotional needs, whereas your mother seems to have actively pushed you away which is quite sadistic. She must have had some awful experiences in her life in order to have ended up wanting to hurt her child so much. She treated you as the scapegoat and I feel really angry with her for doing that to you. It was so unfair as you were only a child. However much she had been hurt she should not have hurt you so much. It was as if she refused to let herself love you, and yet she must have loved you because she kept you alive whereas she could have killed you - some parents do kill their children however horrific that idea is. I imagine that, like me, sometimes you feel it would have better if she had killed you, but if she had them you wouldn't have had your children, and I imagine that you cannot picture a world without them having been born!
You clearly love your children very much! It is heart-warming to see that you are so able to love them despite all that has happened to you, but it must have broken your heart to lose them, and when they were so young. Then to find they hadn't been cared for properly and had to end up in care must made it doubly painful. I imagine you felt really angry about that oo, and perhaps felt despair at whether there was any point to life. It must have been horrible for you and felt cruel.
I felt sad to hear you were in an abusive relationship but great that you managed to get out of it! Well done! So many women who are abused do want to get out but find they lack the strength whereas you obviously have a great deal of strength. You mention your two eldest children and I'm unsure - did they stay with you? If so then you did extremely well to have enabled them to grow up normal and healthy, you must have met their needs well.
Puppet on a string - I know that expression well. I used to feel as a child as though my father had hold of me as if I were his toy and if he pulled the strings he could make me move and that otherwise I was utterly passive, without life. It sounds like your father had the same feeling and behaved accordingly. Do you still see him? I was wondering, because if he is still alive you and he probably share some of the same experiences of your mother and some similar memories.
No doubt you will have got some good experiences from somewhere or you would have not have developed the good strengths you so obsviously have. I got my good experiences from an elderly aunt who I felt close to although I didn't see her very often and she went away for a long period, also from a headmaster at junior school who recognised how bright I was - as a result I went in three weeks from the bottom to the top of the class! How much we all need acceptance, recognition and care.
I'm glad you're coping and will seek help. Make sure you trust your own instincts in deciding whether you can work with a particular therapist or counsellor and make sure you choose someone who is qualified, then you'll have the best chance of feeling better and not being abused which can happen although rarely.
Good luck and write again if you feel the need. I know I will if I'm feeling low. It's a useful website, isn't it!xx
Karin, I'm sorry - I made the assumption of thinking you had managed to get out of the abusive relationship but now realise that you didn't say that! Perhaps you are still in it? I do hope not. You do not deserve to be abused. xx
sorry if i miss led you i am out of that relationship i divorced that piece of crap about 13 years ago, no the man i'm with know i think like you said before only says those things to shock me into stopping and i must admit his comments do make me think for a moment, but only a moment. Ijust dont tell him how i feel any more he jus doesn't understand even thou he has seen all the court papers. He was brought up an only child in a stable loving home, his parents dont understand so dont know the full story(my partner's choice).
I'm glad you got out.xx
Hi Karin, I've come onto the website today because I'm feeling really low and then saw yor blog. How are you feeling? I do hope you are ok. It must be hard for you to be in a relationship with someone who is unable to understand your situation because his experiences have been so different. I can understand why you don't tell him how you feel any more, it's difficult to share feelings in that kind of situation, but you do need to talk to someone who DOES understand you. It's all well and good your feeling understood by me and can help to bring temporary relief but you need a relationship that you can rely on being there until you feel strong enough to cope alone with your experiences. Do seek help. I've never regretted seeking help, it was the best thing I've ever done! Come back for a chat whever you feel like one, at the moment I have loads of time on my hands so should be able to reply. Take care, Suex
What Should I Do? 
I NEED YOU ALL ONCE AGAIN. I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE.
I can't do this 
OMG!!!....What do I do Now??
Why can't I be proud of what Ive done.
