Happy International Men's Day

[beehappy2day]

*Trigger Warning: SA*

I've been afraid of men for as long as I can remember. It's like I was born with this innate fear of them.

My grandpa will never stop reminding me that as a baby, I would scream bloody murder if he came near me. I never felt comfortable around my uncles, except for one that treated me like the daughter he never had whenever we were together. I remember hiding from my half-brother, who was eighteen years older than me, when he lived in our house for a short time and feeling intense anxiety whenever we interacted.

Maybe I wasn't properly socialized with men.

Growing up, our household was comprised of my dad, my mom, my sister, and myself, except for the short periods of time where my uncle or half-brother lived with us. My parents also divorced when I was 12 due to my father having a 5 year affair. In daycare, all my teachers were women. In school, I didn't have a male teacher until 5th grade. The neighbors I hung out with were female. Hell, even our pets were all girls!

I was never taught that there were men I could trust, and that lesson was reinforced to me as I entered puberty and onward.

In the 5th grade, I received my first "real" kiss from my sister's 8th grade boyfriend one day when they were hanging out and he decided he wanted to kiss me to try to make her jealous. I remember feeling frozen and helpless. In the 7th grade, I lost my virginity to one of my sister's friends who had promised to give me alcohol afterwards. He never did, and I never heard from him again. In the 8th grade, I had sex with another of my sister's friends in front of a room full of people while I was black out drunk. My sister's boyfriend was supposed to be watching me and keeping me safe at the time. In the 11th grade, I was being groomed my boss who was 10 years older than me. I was his dirty little secret, and he threw me away on my 18th birthday. In the 12th grade, I was raped by my boss's best friend. That was the real kicker.

Since then, my mild fear has developed into an approaching phobia. I struggle in my interactions with men on an almost daily basis. Man in a blue car parks beside me as I go to exit my car in a parking lot: oh certainly it's my old neighbor who made me so afraid that I fled the city I had lived in for years prior (despite my recent move out of state). Man is walking in my direction on the street: he must be coming to approach me. I find it almost impossible to work with men at this point, and often find myself triggered by their presence in my group therapy. Nothing shuts me down faster than an angry man.

Basically, most men I meet cannot be trusted, is what my head tells me. But I don't believe this to be true.

Sure, my experiences and my body tells me otherwise. But there are so many people in this world, and living in fear of half of the population does not serve me. I do not think that it is wrong to be weary and keep my guard up a bit, but I am really trying to challenge this belief that I have. While these are the memories of men that stick most with me, I also have many pleasant memories of men and am lucky to have a partner who challenges my preconceptions of the male population.

Living with this belief limits me in so many ways, and I'm so tired of feeling this constant fear. I know that it's a work in progress though and will certainly take time. So, I'm just here in the meantime, processing and valuing each little triggering experience in the hopes that eventually I can gradually desensitize myself and teach myself how to trust those who deserve it.