I'm done with life... (Very long rant)

[hyperbear88]

Hey.

I'm 25 and from the UK.

I never really know how to start these so I'm sorry for the awkward intro...

I'm really struggling. But, I believe it's entirely my fault.

I'm not working at the moment, but I've been applying for pretty much anything I think I'm capable of doing at the moment.

I did have a job back in June, but I seem to have a habit of self sabotage.

Basically. I fancied the living daylights out of a woman at work. I thought she was super hot and she (at least at the time) was a decent person. Basically the whole package. I was obsessed... I'll be honest.

and before you say anything, she had a boyfriend. which only complicated things for me.

she was like fruit from the forbidden tree...

we messaged on Snapchat and Facebook from time to time at first, but then it gradually progressed to every day. An ex friend (we'll call her H), this woman and I, would often hang out together pretty often at work because I was recently promoted to a higher position at work.

so we'd be hanging out everyday and message after work sometimes too, so you could say we were around each other a lot. what made it worse was that her boyfriend was actually a super decent guy too...

anyway. things started to get very bad, very quickly.

I decided I wanted to move up in the world and look for something better professionally, because with the skills I had at the time and the privileged position I was in giving me an added confidence boost (I guess I let the power get to my head...), I thought moving to something more challenging at a more established company would prove fun and rewarding in the long-run, despite understanding that working in such an environment would be significantly more challenging and management there would be far less tolerable to mistakes.

I decided to tell a few of the supposed "friends" I had at the time I was going for an interview. First mistake. Turns out, I could've got the job, however, it would be part-time (they explained it would only be two days a week, most likely a weekend job) and it would've been in London. From my knowledge, London is an extremely expensive place to live (especially for a single guy like me), so, practically, living there didn't seem feasible at the time. They said to wait until a holiday like Halloween when they are hiring for more full-time positions and then re-apply as soon as possible for the highest chance of another shot at the job.

Well... as most of you probably know... Talk moves quickly. Most likely, one of the "friends" I told, told someone else, who told someone else, etc, etc... aaand It ended up reaching upper management. The top guys. I was very swiftly demoted back to a standard employee, however, one very kind supervisor said to me that the benefits from the position I was in carried with me, although I wasn't sure what that meant, considering I wasn't able to utilise them meaningfully.

Safe to say, after this, my mental health took a pretty big hit. In my opinion, I had worked super hard for the promotion and I felt it unfair that I was demoted for simply trying to improve myself.

Regardless I was prepared to suck it up, and work didn't feel the same at all to begin with, but, in retrospect, loosing the pressure and stress of the promoted position did feel kinda nice.

Mistake 2, 3 and to infinity afterwards.

I was pretty down and done in with the recent demotion. I took it very heavily to heart, which I know I shouldn't have now, but it's too late now.

Gradually, my mental health started getting worse and worse.

I felt pretty well connected with the others who I was working with, in the same position I was in, and loosing that "family" feeling didn't feel good. All the affection and support I was receiving from them obviously stopped and once I returned to my previous position, they all promptly stopped talking to, which makes more sense now. They were busier, had less time and worked on a different shift pattern to me.

I started reaching out more to this woman I'd liked the entire time.

I would like to preface by saying... Unfortunately... I am a deeply insecure person. I am not confident. Not at all. Not even a little. I am confident in my inconfidence, which, coincidentally, would make me confident, just not in a good way. Anyway, I started to get more and more obsessed over this woman... messaging asking her if we're good, even though I had no evidence to the contrary and eventually it lead to a defining moment. the straw that broke the camel's back.

One day, I was sitting in our designated smoking area minding my own business, said person came along and gave someone the evils or whatever it was and it looked like it was at me so I messaged her about it, she got mad. Then all the people came out the woodwork. Said I was crazy, a creep, a stalker, whatever. I had to leave. I quit. Apparently I'd been making a bunch of people uncomfortable, even though I have never been notified about it by anyone. No one told me anything. Never a "back off" or "you're making me uncomfortable" or "please don't do that".

I asked my supervisors and even they said nothing had been reported to them about me doing such a thing, so I don't understand where any of this came from, but it is what it is I guess...

Now, I live by myself as I did before with no job, very little savings and while I do have a couple of future job prospects along the way, I have the feeling that will be pretty short lived.

I am a bad person, you see. I've done, seen and been involved in some bad things.

Illegal things. and it's basically a waiting game before it catches up to me.

I'm sitting here, writing this out, knowing one day, I won't be able to run any longer. and when it does inevitably catch up to me.... I don't know what I'll do. I do deserve everything coming to me. I am the worst of the worst, and I expect no redemption. No sympathy.

I thought I could be a good person. you know? I know for someone like me, "coming out" is not something to be cherished or applauded... but I'd never physically hurt anyone. I'm not like that.

so my question to you is simple. I know my life will be over. Everything I have will be gone and I will be left to atone for my sins in a dark, damp cell where I belong. Do I just get it over with now? Do I just end my life, so I don't have to see what it looks like if I make it out of my punishments alive?

what future is there for someone like me?

I've always dreamt of being loved... being popular and attractive... being someone everyone finds hot and sexy... someone who can find a partner if they wanted to, someone confident.

You know, my parents didn't show me physical affection. My brother, who I love very much, got most of the attention. He's autistic. I needed it. But I... kinda got put on the back burner.

I cared for him because he needed it. He's the only one I can truly say... I loved. I love him more than life itself.... what I wouldn't do to see him again... but it doesn't matter now.

no one would want someone like me, if they knew.

So what do I do now?

...if you made it all the way through, thank you for reading everything.

I hope you make better choices in life and learn from my mistakes. Thank you.