I'm new to this I found it purely by default and I've no idea even if it's the right page.
I've no idea whether I'm suffering depression or whether it's something else but all I know is it's getting worse and has been the last two years. It drains me to try and act around those who know me that I'm fine laughing joking and being the typical idiot without a care in tbf world, if they knew that every single day I have to find reasons to live I'm sure they'd be relatively shocked. The worry for me is these reasons are running dry and trying to find a purpose anymore seems futile.
I've no patience and find everything a struggle almost like I've to force myself to do even the simplest thing, even then I have to do it at warp speed with no real effort as I quickly become frustrated. I have no self confidence and feel old at 41 like my life has come to an end, I dread each birthday as see it a year closer to death and I worry about the age process and the demise it brings with it. In my mind I feel like a kid and when I have to remind myself of my age or face a mirror it almost feels as though it's not me or I'm many years behind.
I've no family at all and lost my dad in 2015 to prostate cancer, he was a mere 64 with his entire life still ahead, he was the only person I had and who I trusted, the loss Is hard to bare and so Is the knowledge I'm never gonna see him again. I tell myself every day that this disease will get me too, like it has my dad and his dad, my moms too I recall, I've resided myself to it in fact.
I take pleasure from watching disturbing videos on the internet of human torture to the most extreme possible and sense no emotion of whatsoever yet anything animal related makes me feel physically sick, I simply cannot watch it and the thoughts of what I could do to those who inflict such harm on animals does disturb me somewhat. However, as an individual I'm kind and soft and never wish to hurt anybody, I'm not violent and can often show compassion to those with loss illness or sadness.
My memory of recent events and conversations are poor yet I can recollect most of my life dating back to early school days, the trauma of abuse and mental pain by a mother and brother who should of always been there for me, I'm sure much of my demons and disturbed thought processes today are as a result of my childhood, being sent to a special school when It was never needed and being made to feel like I was exactly how my mother had intended to make me feel, that I was never wanted and that I was a bad child, I wasn't I just needed the love of my mother, I never really got it.
I'd always got my father to support me as a child, it was always me and him and my brother and mother, however when I was 8 they split up, my father moved out and our contact became a weekly activity, I found that so hard as had only ever known seeing him everyday. He soon met a woman who had two children, two girls, he got married and had a new family so kind of devoted his time to them. I resented his wife for taking my family away, as I did the man my mom married, I did make both their lives hell. My mom she met countless men thereafter before she actually married again and to be honest I'm sure she was doing that prior although I'll never be sure. She worked in a pub as a barmaid and was a very attractive woman, I often saw her copping off with many different men whether that be in the bar or in our home. I recall hearing her screaming one early morning, it scared me I think I was 9-10 so I got up and went to her room, she had a man in bed and what I witnessed will always stay with me, they both saw me and I rushed back to bed, it carried on until I fell to sleep. The next morning he had gone and my mom had told me she was angry I went to her room, it was never mentioned again.
There had been many times I was locked in a cupboard with scary music played loudly from our stereo, I was touched in a sexual manner by my mother on multi or occasions, at one point I remember sitting on our porch roof, I was again about 10, I remember wanting to jump and must of sat there a while. My brother saw me and laughed telling me to jump as nobody would miss me, he was awful to me throughout my life and I've had no contact with him in many years, the same for my mother too. They live in my hometown where as when I was 18 I moved away. I've lived in multiple cities and attempted relationships, all have failed, I've never felt settled really and if I have it's never lasted.
To this day I feel so much regret and loss not to mention guilt. I went off the rails as a teenage and turned to drugs and crime, my dad bless him always stood by me and I did little but bleed him dry of money and stress him, my mother told me I contributed to his death as had worried and stressed him which can cause cancer, maybe she was right I've no idea. I really can't explain why I got in to so much trouble other than to suggest it was for attention, attention i never had growing up.
Today I'm massively in debt, debt I cannot get control of, I try to keep down a responsible job but it's slipping from my grip as I just cannot cope, my mind Is getting the better of me as are my unstable and confusing thought processes. Death would be the salvation for me and I think about it each day, sadly I've no spine and doubt I'd ever go through with it despite numerous attempts, all of which were a cry for help, help I'm not getting Simply because I'm so well trained in my alter ego, nobody knows the real me since I won't allow that.
To some up my feelings they're pretty much consumed by impending doom and emptiness with absolutely nothing to look forward to, I exist I do not live and not having any control of those emotions frightens me since I'm not in control, I often wonder where that's gonna take me.
Lee
**Trigger Warning** Feeling suicidal 
Possible Trigger Warning MH. 
**Trigger Warning**: Suicide
Binge drinking Trigger Warning
