I've slowly learned to recognize useless emotions. Emotions such as rage, crying that doesn't heal, useless talk and so on. I know how much energy it takes out of me when these emotions threaten to take over my mind. My adult children are ruining my life. As I type I can hear the footsteps approaching my door to interrupt my thoughts. This automatically makes my heart start to race. I find no peace in my home anymore. The television is driving me insane in the background. Oh, go ahead and ring you dang telephone. Let's all kill her off little by little.
I'm working on controlling my thoughts. It's hard. My mind can think of at least a thousand things in a split second. Nobody can process that many thoughts without an overload occurring. We live in a remote area where access to a mental health provider is limited.
All I need is some time alone to unwind but I can't get that either. God help me as I struggle to just find some sanity in all this chaos. I have grown grandchildren, a great-grandson that I don't get to see because of all the interruptions at home. It's also hard to travel anywhere with the one I am raising. He is non-verbal autistic and has meltdowns when traveling. I have to stop numerous times to tend to him.
My spouse also is a big baby who needs attention to feel validated. I can't please all these people I call family. I love them, but crap, I just want to say "WHAT ABOUT ME?"
I am 60, I love life and don't begrudge my little one. I do begrudge my adult children and sometimes I just want to slap the h*** out of them and turn and walk away. I don't trust them not to hit me back so I don't.