Useless Emotions

[MsTree]

I've slowly learned to recognize useless emotions. Emotions such as rage, crying that doesn't heal, useless talk and so on. I know how much energy it takes out of me when these emotions threaten to take over my mind. My adult children are ruining my life. As I type I can hear the footsteps approaching my door to interrupt my thoughts. This automatically makes my heart start to race. I find no peace in my home anymore. The television is driving me insane in the background. Oh, go ahead and ring you dang telephone. Let's all kill her off little by little.

I'm working on controlling my thoughts. It's hard. My mind can think of at least a thousand things in a split second. Nobody can process that many thoughts without an overload occurring. We live in a remote area where access to a mental health provider is limited.

All I need is some time alone to unwind but I can't get that either. God help me as I struggle to just find some sanity in all this chaos. I have grown grandchildren, a great-grandson that I don't get to see because of all the interruptions at home. It's also hard to travel anywhere with the one I am raising. He is non-verbal autistic and has meltdowns when traveling. I have to stop numerous times to tend to him.

My spouse also is a big baby who needs attention to feel validated. I can't please all these people I call family. I love them, but crap, I just want to say "WHAT ABOUT ME?"

I am 60, I love life and don't begrudge my little one. I do begrudge my adult children and sometimes I just want to slap the h*** out of them and turn and walk away. I don't trust them not to hit me back so I don't.

[fauxartist]

learn the word 'no'.....don't enable anyone for 24 hours other than the little one who needs you....cut out all the others...let them fend for themselves. The toaster is a great invention....if someone wants food....they can take care of it themselves. You cannot make anyone happy, and only you can make yourself happy....and one way to start is to say 'no'. Tell the adult children including your husband that you are on strike as of now. Show them how to use the washer, where the soap is, how to open a can...and use the toaster. Then take a pair of scissors...pull the tv plug out of the socket, and cut the friggin plug off....and then announce you want everyone who has another home to go home, and you are no longer available as you are taking care of you from now on....work it out amongst yourselves....but leave you alone.

[MsTree in reply to fauxartist]

Finally, I believe I have gotten through to everybody except my husband of 40 years. I love him, would be lost without him, but he's getting on my last freakin' nerve with his neediness. It's coming, the volcano in me is building. I'm not violent, though, so nobody has to worry about that. But, my words can chop a body off at the knees. I'm praying it doesn't have to get ugly with him. He does nice things for me, I don't mean like buying things, more like he always makes sure my auto is road ready and safe. He tries to help out with the house chores. He's a good man, he just expects something in return which just makes me more anxious knowing everything he does "for me" is really for him to get something back. I'm an old-school wife with the suppers always cooked, the house is clean, and I try not to b****. Too much. He's also a double standard man. With 12 grandsons and only 1 granddaughter, 4 sons and only 1 daughter, If I outlive my husband, and I don't mean to sound like I'm all that, but I've kept my figure and can still wear the same size as when we married 40 years ago. Size 6, I will NEVER have another man till the day I die. I'm sick to death of all the spirit-soul-sucking I can stand. It's like a siphon has been in my soul for way too long sucking everything I am right out of me. When I can say "FREE. FREE AT LAST! THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I"M FRE AT LAST!." What a day that will be. As long as nobody has to die for me to feel that, of course. God love them.

[Rick1on1]

Hi,

What a tough situation! I can only think that you need to set boundaries for your family. Change the priority for them so that the little one comes first, then you and then everyone else.

As a rule, any family member who you feel threatened by, should be cut out of your life. I know it's not easy but violence is not what family should be about. Love and support is a 2-way street.

I hope this helps - good luck!

[MsTree in reply to Rick1on1]

My son, my husband, and my daughter. All three have yelled in my face, had their fists drawn back ready to strike. I am not a wimp, but, when you're in shock that this is happening, you get paralyzed for the moment. I feel stuck because I can't afford to live on my own with my autistic grandson. He's another reason I don't yell back or strike back. It would freak him out. I do all I can to behave normally for him. But I will probably die from holding in all this emotional garbage. I've done nothing but be good to my family. They know I am no push-over, and I have begun to suspect drugs as being the reason my son and daughter are behaving so irrationally. It has gotten better somewhat, except for my big, spoiled a** baby, needy husband. Whom I love, I think. I don't know anymore. One thing I have never done is give up. I love that about me.

[MsTree in reply to MsTree]

One thing I never do is give up. I love that about me.

[Rick1on1 in reply to MsTree]

I agree - don't ever give up!!

However, a hard question to ask would be what would happen if they turn violent on your autistic grandchild. Could you forgive them or forgive yourself for staying in the situation.

It's a brutal question but from what you have said perhaps necessary?