I went to the doctors on Thursday…
This is a HUGE step for me, because it'd be the first time I have ever admitted to somebody in person that I suffer from depression. I've had depression since I was about 12, and I'm now 20 years old. I have acknowledged my depression and suicidal thoughts since I was 16, so as you can see, I've pushed this back for a very long time.
I first told her about other medical conditions I have. Mostly regarding my allergies, then I asked her if she can look through my records for my autism diagnosis.
Then I added, very shyly ”Um, yeah. Um, and I would also want some help from the mental health services, with, ummm… depression…”. That was so difficult for me to say out loud.
Unfortunately, I didn't get the response I had hoped for. Understandably, she was running late and couldn't address all my conditions at once. She was apologetic about it, and told me to promise to set up another appointment for next week, which I'm assuming is to talk about my mental health.
But, that was a one off bout of courage, and I don't know if I want to go back to the doctors. I'm still quite apprehensive about what will happen.
I'm doubtful it'll help me much. Although I have depression, I think many of my negative thoughts are justifiable. I don't have any friends or even acquaintances, I haven't seen most of my family (other than the ones I live with) for years. I'm morbidly obese at 265lbs. I'm 20, yet I have dark under eyes, I'm guessing from sleep deprivation. I have autism and social anxiety. See? Anybody would feel the way I do in this predicament.
I'll probably just go through with it as I have nothing to lose.