confused

[abcds]

i don't know whether what i'm feeling is real anymore.

i have suicidal thoughts nearly everyday but i know that i will never act on it. i could never leave my brother to deal with my death.

But still, i always think about everything ending and it's doesn't involve me killing myself as such, more along the lines of not having to live anymore if that makes any sense. i guess it's like i don't want to harm myself but i still don't want to live anymore?I have never received medical treatment (i'm only 16 though) mostly because i don't want my family to find out and also because of the main question- i'm worried that i'm faking it.

whenever i think about killing myself i always imagine telling someone "i'm suicidal". and i'm not sure whether i'm faking my thoughts in my head for sympathy from people (while writing this i also realised that a few days ago i was thinking about ending my life and then i purposefully put on sad songs to make myself cry... is this manipulative behaviour?)

basically, i'm worried that i'm making myself believe that i have suicidal thoughts just so that others can feel sorry for me. but a point to note is that i've only told two people that i have suicidal thoughts (in fact, i told them about it today). writing this sentence out made me feel like i'm begging for people on here to tell me that i'm suicidal so that i can roll in self pity again.

i'm not sure what to do. i don't think the "suicidal thoughts" are getting in way of my day to day life which isn't how it should be, is it? i can still wake up and go to college and make jokes and talk to people and everything else. the only difference is that when things go even slightly wrong, i think about dying. I'm not sure whether this is normal or if it means i'm suicidal or i'm doing it for attention. i hate this so much i wish i could stop thinking about it :/

[tofler]

Do you think you're depressed? Are you receiving any treatment for depression? I can identify with much of what you say about having suicidal thoughts but still appearing to function on a day to day basis. Lots of people who are depressed manage to put on a "mask" each day so that we appear to other people as though we're functioning and doing ok, but how we're really feeling and what goes on inside our mind is very different. If you haven't already done so, please go and talk to a doctor (or write down what you need to say and just give the paper to him/her) and get some help with your depression and suicidal thoughts.

[ladeda]

Hi sweet pea, I think you would be surprised to know how many people get the same thoughts, trouble is you can easily over analyse and end up criticising yourself as an attention speaker which you most certainly are not.

But it is something that has to be addressed, as you say, you don't think you would actually do self harming, but its not a good place to be in on a day were even the unthinkable could happen and you would need to cope rather than for that short spell think the only root of escape is to not be here.

Don't be afraid to talk, you can even just say to your friends that you just feel carp and unmotivated, even shrug and ask if they are ok and have any good news? Without interaction we can feel so alone.

Trouble is your mind starts learning by example and you have to break free from conformity and discover who you are and what you want in life and yet our minds find it so much easier to go back to negative thoughts when it's conflicting with the fact that you may have been told you should be young happy and without a care in the world, but no-one ever tells you how.

It's no good burying these things behind a smile, as you know yourself that its a struggle to breathe sometimes, its better to think of these unwanted emotions as a gentle warning that its time to learn new techniques to overcome them and move forward.

Some of the simplest things can be the most effective, breathing exercises and mindfulness. You have an amazing imagination, use it , imagine a big bright parrot sitting on your shoulder that poo-hoos any negative thought about yourself and counterbalance it with a , now you know that's not really true and you really are quite amazing and getting better every day.

Up to now maybe you see these sad thoughts have been repeated over and over for a long while, just the same as positive attitudes need a lot of work to develop and be easily accessible, so they are sure worth the effort to develop.

It would be lovely if we could be taught all this in school and hopefully one day that might happen? It's always good to speak to those councillors to see what advice they offer, but also be your own teacher, read, listen, try whacky things if they make some sense to you, keep journals saying what helps so sometimes you can look back and repeat something that helps.

What's wrong with listening to sad music to make yourself cry, it can sometimes be a much needed release to pent up emotions? It doesn't mean you have to remain sad and might just say to yourself that feels better now I'll do something more proactive rather than try to inflict guilt on top of sadness.

Your so full of love to think of your brother and not wanting to hurt others, just think how much you could one day help them by focusing on first looking after yourself with love and attention to 're programming your own thoughts for the better, then when you see someone else struggling you can say what you found to help you.

I wish you lots of love in your journey of discovery, keep that lovely mind open and inquisitive and always question it when others will be negative and you might find yourself disagreeing and laying down more beneficial beliefs to your own mindset. Xxx

[Hidden]

Hey, I have had the same thing happen to me. I did not want to die, but the thoughts were constantly there. Can you explain what forms of death you are thinking about? For example, I would always scenarioize myself getting hit by a semi, shot, drowning, etc. Soon I found out I had anxiety, maybe that is a possibility for you.

What reasons are holding you back from telling your family? It can be a big strength to have a few people you trust to be able to open up and talk to. Talking to a therapist helped me, or just distracting myself by being around with my friends so I didn't have time to think about suicide.

It is good that you were able to talk to a couple people and if they or you are seriously concerned, I don't think a visit to the doctor would be a bad idea.

Thoughts of dying and suicide are scary and disturbing. It does not have to be like that! I have overcome that and truly believe you can, too. There is help, and I encourage you to be open about it. You do not have to feel like you are begging for people to feel sorry for you. Many times it is going to feel like you are such a huge annoyance, talking to them about what you are experiencing, but they really do care much more than you realize. I learned that by experience.

I wish you luck, as you seem like a very bright and strong person! XX