i don't know whether what i'm feeling is real anymore.
i have suicidal thoughts nearly everyday but i know that i will never act on it. i could never leave my brother to deal with my death.
But still, i always think about everything ending and it's doesn't involve me killing myself as such, more along the lines of not having to live anymore if that makes any sense. i guess it's like i don't want to harm myself but i still don't want to live anymore?I have never received medical treatment (i'm only 16 though) mostly because i don't want my family to find out and also because of the main question- i'm worried that i'm faking it.
whenever i think about killing myself i always imagine telling someone "i'm suicidal". and i'm not sure whether i'm faking my thoughts in my head for sympathy from people (while writing this i also realised that a few days ago i was thinking about ending my life and then i purposefully put on sad songs to make myself cry... is this manipulative behaviour?)
basically, i'm worried that i'm making myself believe that i have suicidal thoughts just so that others can feel sorry for me. but a point to note is that i've only told two people that i have suicidal thoughts (in fact, i told them about it today). writing this sentence out made me feel like i'm begging for people on here to tell me that i'm suicidal so that i can roll in self pity again.
i'm not sure what to do. i don't think the "suicidal thoughts" are getting in way of my day to day life which isn't how it should be, is it? i can still wake up and go to college and make jokes and talk to people and everything else. the only difference is that when things go even slightly wrong, i think about dying. I'm not sure whether this is normal or if it means i'm suicidal or i'm doing it for attention. i hate this so much i wish i could stop thinking about it :/