Feeling of loss of control.

[elixbhn]

Hello, this is my first post and i came across this page whilst googling some of my symptoms. I have suffered with anxiety and depression since my early teens, which causes me to struggle to meet new people for constant overthinking of the things i say, plus i go bright red when talking to people so i tend to avoid everyone. I constantly feel as though i am putting too much pressure on my partner by needing him so much, although sometimes this turns to anger that he cannot understand what I'm going through and what I want from him (I sometimes feel as though he should, as he's suffered himself in the past). I have resorted to self harm many times, although the past year or so i have managed to refrain from breaking skin. However in manic episodes when i feel myself losing control of myself and the situation, i tend to either bite myself, hit myself repeatedly in the head or bang my head against the wall. During this time i desperately want everything to stop, and get angry at myself because i cant get the situation back. I wanted to know weather anyone else had experienced these feelings? I have mentioned it to previous counsellors but had no advice on how to prevent myself getting to that stage, or weather its anything more than just depression. Any similar experiences or advise greatly appreciated.

[20Voices]

I still get periods where I just go bright red when talking to people or in various situations and I am now 48. I have suffered like this forever.

I used to challenge myself and try to ignore what happened to me when I was doing something I really didn't want to do. The worst I had was a tutor saying some very hurtful things when I was giving a practice talk. I went very red during my 10 minute talk and he really picked up on that. He had a right go at me about my research on the subject but what really upset me was the personal comments about my face colour and my voice getting very squeaky. Needless to say I have never given that talk again. I did manage to go on and give my talk for my assessment but I was very frightened and scared to give it. I was so stressed at the assessment weekend I though I was going to pass out with how often I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I am sorry that you feel your counselors haven't given you the help you need. I resorted to self harm and unfortunately I have broken my skin at times. I still feel like I want to hurt myself at times, but it is easier now to get through and over that.

Your partner might not understand your struggles because anxiety and depression affects us all differently and sometimes it is easier for those close to us to try and see the happy person we were rather than the unhappy person we sometimes are. I am sure he really wants you to get better.

The things that I have done that have helped me with not hurting myself was Mindfulness walking. Relaxation exercises. Doing a sleep hygiene and setting up a sleep routine. Changing my eating habits to remove as much processed foods and refined sugar as possible and add in the good foods that help to balance the body. I also upped my exercise level and increased my time in the sunshine and use a SAD light during the winter.

I do a meditation exercise every day and keep a journal. I am also spent time with my psychologist learning how to recognize my negative thoughts earlier and how to change them to be more positive. I also learned how to deal with my over thinking. The mistake I made with my over thinking was to just try and stop thinking altogether, but by learning to recognize it and if it happened at night to write down what I was thinking about to deal with at a more suitable time, I found that my over thinking reduced. I was really bad for working out quickly all the "what if" scenarios of a situation and the voices I had in my head would always pick out all the worst ones and convince me that was what was going to happen.

I have used thought records and forgiveness and gratitude which have all helped.

One of the best things is that I worked hard with my psychologist to re-adjust my perception of myself and the standards I compared myself too. I was never going to reach my standards and I was judging everyone else on a lesser scale than myself. I use mantras, positive affirmations and songs to help me remind myself that I am a good person and "Don't be so hard on yourself". To help me with the self-harm and anger issues I had I made a comment one day that at times I just felt like hitting something or hurting myself and since I was trying not to break things I usually ended up hurting myself. After that session I was in a shop and on a whim I bought an inflatable punch tower that was in the sale. It is one that is meant for kids, but it is great. I make sure to remove all my rings and bracelets and shoes and I would make sure it was somewhere that things would not get knocked over and I would just punch and kick it. It had two advantages, I got rid of all the pent up aggression and I was left feeling like I didn't want to hurt myself anymore and I also got exercise. I found that using it I naturally starting saying in my head "I am enough", "I am a good person", "I will be a better person after all this", "I am allowed to be happy and healthy"

I still use it when I need to.

I have read a lot of books, done courses via futurelearn.com and the Open University free courses to help me to continue to understand anxiety and depression and get further ideas of what to try. I also have become a volunteer for a children's charity and set goals that I know I will complete because I was raising money for the charity. The work I do with the kids reminds me that I am a good person and also gives me something to focus on as I had to give up working when I was at my worst.

I hope this gives you some ideas of what to try.

Take care and welcome to the community. Check out the Shaw Mind foundation website, they have lots of information on there and some resources you can down load that me help you.

[elixbhn in reply to 20Voices]

Thank you so much, this was very helpful!

[krazy-girl in reply to 20Voices]

Thank you, for all your encouraging words. I too went through a time in all my past struggles where I hurt myself "cutting". Those years were terrible! But now I look at my scars as just a part of healing. I hurt myself on and off for 10 or so years! Isn't awful that we all have such bad struggles? Through my journey I have come to realize at times in my life, "I" was my own worst enemy! It is also helpful to write down affirmations on a index card and carry it wherever you go. I use to tape them to my bathroom mirror, so they were the first thing I'd read getting up in the morning. Some day like the saying goes take it day to day. During my struggles sometimes I had to take things moment by moment! Never give up!