I've now abandoned any hope of anything improving my thinking, so now need to focus on resilience, but it doesn't look easy to learn. Most people seem to have developed it over many years and you women are pretty good at it.
Any tips?
Resilience. How do you do it? - Mental Health Sup...
Resilience. How do you do it?
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Goldfish_
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57 Replies
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Have you tried any mindfulness techniques.?
Resilience to what exactly?
Xene
My tortured regrets and guilt relating to financial loss fitness loss and missed opportunities
Yay Goldfish, hopefully there will come a time when you and you alone will stop beating yourself up about what you've done to yourself or to others in the past. Sounds like you're using critical thinking (shudda, cudda, oughta) to heal yourself but it doesn't work!
I slightly relate to you not with regret and guilt but with anger, bitterness and resentment against people including the NHS that have s*** upon me from a great height! I know it's not good and only impacts on myself but I have learned to accept it but probably won't forget it until the day I die. Acceptance, which can be a very bitter pill to swallow will help you towards resilience. Good luck.
Xene
Hi I think resilience is something most people learn over their lives, but it's never too late to start it. I do it by deliberately switching my thoughts from the negative to the positive. For example instead of beating myself up for getting out of bed so late, I immediately replace it with a well done for getting out of bed at all.
We all get self pity sometimes but I put a time limit on mine of say 10 minutes. After that time I get up and do something or read a book etc.
I think the most important thing is to accept that being human we will all make mistakes, but the most crucial is not to berate yourself for them, but to see them as an opportunity to learn and be a better person in the future. Life is never stagnant but is all about change and growth.
Learn from them but don't dwell on them is the message. It is accepting you can't change the past but you have full control over your future.
I hope this helps a bit. x
• in reply to
As usual brilliant reply from you ~you are such a wise person ~I always look out for you and your answers to posts ~Thank you for being you 🌼
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PS my reply was to coughalot2 😊
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Is that for me kittykat? if so many thanks and what a lovely thing to say
Oh just seen your second reply! 
Bev xxx
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Hi Bev ~yes for you mate
~and I mean every word!! Kath🌼xx
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Aw bless you Kath. I need a bit of kindness at the moment as feeling no one loves or even likes me much right now. Thank you. Bev xx
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Well the thing is ~I've never met you in person ~but I def like you ~and I think you are very well thought of on this site ~Take care mate Kath 🙂xx
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It must be in real life that I'm so disliked then... 
Bev x
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You wouldn't say that Kath if you had seen what someone said about me on here very recently. . They said to ignore me and that I was a robot and automaton who can only follow very simplistic instructions! x
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Oh heck ~Just ignore people like that ~you always do your best to help folks out on here ~ Mind having said that I'm a complete worrier and take things to heart ~ I can't deal with conflict of any kind ~ you just take it easy ~I'm sure you are liked by many people in "the real world"
Kath 🙂xx
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Yeah I guess so Kath but sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Thanks for reminding me of that. I hate conflict too and just want an easy life with no hassle. Especially as I get older... Bev x
Historically I think women have had to be resilient in order to survive, men having more freedom and choices about their circumstances ,In my own life it means never say die, if one way doesn't work , try another. And never look back You must stay focused like a runner in a race looking back will slow you down , Obviously this is something you can learn. Run your race. Pam
Goldfish, you've already got it , you're still around after a very prolonged spell of depression, almost as long as they get I should think. You'll just get more of it naturally.
I must admit that you have tried pretty well everything,I'll assume conscientiously , and have had access to resources and knowledge far better than probably say 95% of we depressives and yet have n't moved this depressive spell. Don't take this as any form of criticism. My own circumstances are n't on the face of it too bad either, and I've tried most things although I suspect not as conscientiously as you, and like you I can never shift it. However I'm more fortunate in that it usually shifts itself in about 6 months .Once it took 18 months--would n't want that again--a psychiatrist got hold of me with his quack pills.
I can look at this in two ways. Firstly that medical science and therapy is totally helpless in the face of a very bad and persistent case of depression. I think I knew that anyway.Secondly ,and more positively, that despite the failure of anything to shift this spell you are persevering i.e. showing great resilience. The human spirit 1 ,depression nil. I am also currently leading although there is pressure on my defence.
If it helps at all, I have unfortunately no religion of any kind but I do feel the end result of not showing resilience and perseverance fully merits the description "a blasphemy". So I continue my quest to become the oldest ,chain smoking (almost) ,depressive. I'm damned if my mind where it all happens (and incidentally ,which , is supposed to be on my side) is going to beat me. I think there's a tautology somewhere in there.
Olderal
It's funny because I've spent most of my life being resilient!! Bouncing back time after time. I have to admit I' keep getting punctures nowadays !!! But I won't give up just yet because things just might sort themselves out yet!! Same for you Goldfish!! One day someone might just come up with something that stops you being tormented by the past. As for resilience I think you've pretty much got that sorted because your still here after all and still looking for a way to stop you feeling the way you do.
Resilience? Perhaps just stubborn determination. I will get happy again if it kills me!! Maybe. My mother taught me something that makes me keep marching on. Do not live each day as though it is your last, but rather as though it is your first. Look at the world around you in wide wonder and with new eyes. I want to experience what is next, even knowing I will probably feel pain again.
Out shout negativity with loud rock and roll (other tastes available). Dance till you drop. When blitzed and knackered the flow is easier to surf.
On much more serious note.
psychologytoday.com/basics/...
Yay nedd, brilliant website. I think it would greatly benefit many who come on here.
Xene
Having had suicidal thought's since 13/14(now 28/29 next month) having been thin,fat, fat,thin and back to fat again,seeing my grand parent's die,seeing my father suffer with MS,and my mother going through heart failure,being sexually involved with a woman who is engaged(in the past,that ended a while back),having been self harming on and off the last couple of months.
And just always being self critical,and hating my self to the point where sometimes when i take a shower i put a towel over the mirror just so that i don't have to look at my reflection because i hate who is looking back.
It's just a matter of keep going,even when your down and out,and just think it's game over,just still keep going,even at my lowest,i still went to work,still done my job,still carry on with everything that is expected of me,granted i will be snappy,irritated,and seem like a right a-hole to be around.
But nobody know's the pandora's box inside my head,but that's my problem,and yeah i am stubborn,even now when i cut my self,i think why don't i just cut the other way get it over and done with,or why don't i just put this thing around my neck and get it over and done with.
However for me i feel this is just who i am to a degree,because it is something that i have lived with for so long without asking for help,and it is what it is,life sucks,i would rather my self die then see anyone else i care about die,i would bleed my self dry just for those that i care for to live longer.
I don't give a crap about money,last year i spent £8,000 in 3 months,and now it's going to take me 7 years to clear the majority of that debt,but again it is what it is,acting on an urge acting on an impulse can be damaging granted.
But despite how crap and sucky life is,i get out of bed,i go to work,and i survive off of eating crap at the moment,but still just keep going,being stubborn to some degree is a good trait,just got to keep going and going and going and going,no matter how many times life gives you the two fingers.
Well you clearly have resilience in shovel loads. My negative view of this is that you've trained yourself to survive over many years. I came from a position of high achievement professionally and sporting status family love and wealth and now it is all unravelling with loss of almost all of these things. Deaths financial loss of about £1m chaotic life.
But as you say I have to keep on keeping on but I see myself being worn down, mentally failing, having more accidents, making more bad decisions.
I need to survive!
Life has always been about survival even in modern times, granted u have lived the high life but lost it all,but you just need to remember when you started life money is not who defined who you are.
The biggest fu that you can give to all those that have put you down is to justkeep going.
I understand what you are saying as I think many others do too. I've come to the conclusion Acceptance is also needed after our lives change. Once we can accept something then we can start to find a way forward. We can't always get back what we have lost so we have to find a way to make the best of it and work with what we've got at this moment in time. I have Acceptance of a lot of things that happened naturally over time. However Acceptance of my illness escapes me!! I'm still trying to find out how to get that because right now that's stopping me from moving forward positively. Hopefully Goldfish You can find it too!! It dosnt mean you've given up it just means you accept that our lives have many twists and turns and we spend too much time dwelling on the negatives .
The fact you've made it through all that CJ shows you are indeed resilient, I personally don't like to see that you are dealing with all that alone. Keeping it all inside and self harming as a release. Being stubborn as you call it has kept you moving forward but one day CJ it could catch up with you. No one wants to see the people they love suffer in anyway.Asking for help is not a sign of weakness CJ, I think it takes a very strong (stubborn) person to ask for help. Do that for yourself because you deserve it. Don't keep it all locked away!! If you had a child and you found out that's how they were feeling and dealing with stuff what would you want them to do? Look after yourself CJ 💜
Thanks ang, although it aounds ode to some degree how i have felt and veen over these years feels normal(although i know its not normal).
There are days where i feel like i am ok, days/months where i am on top of the world,but of course all that comes falling down then just rinse and repeat.
I guess it's because you and lots of other people learn to live with it so it becomes the norm!! The times and moments when we forget are bliss !!! But for me I've always felt that the grim reaper waits in the shadows for me!! He lets me get so far but calls me back.im working on getting rid of that sucker once and for all 👊 But CJ it's not the norm to do that to yourself. It's self medicating like using drugs, alcohol overeating which was always my choice!! Food!! I hope you do talk to someone and make things better for yourself .
Hey ang,the eating part i can deff relate to,when my mood suck's or my motivation sucks,then i eat crap,i lost a whole lot of weight in 2015,by the end of 2016 i had gaind a lot back,and it made my mood even more sucky(in between i had period's of going back on track feeling motivated to go back to working out etc etc)
But that only lasted 3 months,then back down the rabbit hole i went,and now im slowly feeling ok to a degree(the cutting aside) i mean i don't have has many suicidal thought's as i use to have.
Still not motivated enough to feel the high that i did in 2015 working out eating clean and just feeling like i could climb the tallest mountain.
Now it just seem's to be more down's then up's & normals,i long for that that "Up" feeling again though,real buzz i felt like a completely different person,people around me said i was a completely different person.
But now i am back to this,and just all over the shop,but yeah i really should do something about it,but the thought and hastle of it all just is kind of a put off,and i deff don't want anyone in my family finding out especially with the problem's they already have.
My problem's are the last thing that they need.
I don't know if you've ever tried meditation and mindfulness?i have been doing it for a couple of months now and I truly believe I'd be a lot worse if it wasn't for that. The hardest part is being motivated to do it yourself at home!! When your down motivation is non exsistant!!! However just walk over to the phone pick it up and make the call. Your family don't need to know. I'm sure your family love you very much and would be devastated to know you have suffered so much. You are giving them a lot of support so you need to be ok yourself., please tell me you've made the call CJ 🙏🏻
I have thought about meditation but keeping still would be the hardest part,and nah i have not phoned the doctors.
I know i really should i have been told many times on here that i really should,but again my stubborness and to some degeree stupidness just wont allow me to take that next step yet(hopefully)
Just do it!
Phone now and make that appointment
It is something definite that you can do that may help.
Many of us dont have that luxury
CJ you can ask people on here as often as you like but in the end you have to help yourself!!Your choice!! It's great having support, they are a great bunch on here and everyoneasks for advice sometimes. You can't help someone who isn't preparedto try and help themselves. If you don't pick up the phone then you're just going to keep going round in circles!! You choose!! Stay on the roundabout or try get off it. There's a saying here that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink!! I hope you make the right choice👍Good luck CJ
No need to brag,Goldfish (joke). Even when its all unravelled ,which I hope it won't , you'll still be in a much better shape than many of these poor young people on here. Mind you in the unlikely event it does come all unravelled at least by then you will be a fully trained black belt in resilience. There's always a bright side.
Most over sixties feel worn down, not as smart, have more accidents etc. and if they don't start realising their growing limitations they better wake up before they are a danger to the rest of us. There are a few lucky enough to keep performing as well as ever but envying the few luckier ones helps none of us. What do they mean they are not old ? Last time I played five-a-side football with younger guys i was about 50 and after about 15 minutes each way I had no illusions.
You are right. You do have to keep on keeping on and you do need to survive. More importantly ,others need you to survive . I thought retirement would offer Nirvana. Not so , one just gets another load of different bloody responsibilities. Maybe a natural death will bring Nirvana . Probably not so , I'll probably be in Purgatory for about 200 years with another bloody load of responsibilities--and I don't even believe in it-how unfair is that !!
When it gets really bad remember what millions found in Auchschwitz (?), or the Middle Ages, or in Victor Hugo's fiction etc etc.. Compared to that lot even when we're depressed we're on a bed of roses. Tomorrow maybe I'll watch Les Mis again and count my blessings.
Try a bit of Buddha's philosophy , the world is full of suffering and taking part in it is really living. I suspect in his time and place they really knew what suffering was and the place was chock -a -block with it , although whether any got depression then I don't know. i suspect not many.
Remember the old saying "God hates us all"and who can blame him ? Sorry about any cheerfulness. I'm actually pretty down at the moment but did better than expected at bridge last night and its given me a bit of a lift.The "lack of cognitive functioning" for some reason failed to kick in fully. Must try and be a bit more stupid tomorrow.
Olderal
Thanks for your trouble with such a long post, but I'm really frightened of what I seem destined to do and whether I will survive much longer, so as it unravels for my family I will no longer be here.
My loss has been enormous and my personality is not good for survival
• in reply toGoldfish_
A friend of mine once replied when I said I would love to be rich that everyone has problems, it's just that the rich have different ones. Very wise words x
Goldfish_• in reply to
So true and the wealthy have much further to fall
• in reply toGoldfish_
Yes exactly. When you have nothing you have nothing to lose. BUT be grateful you have something as you are far better off then many folk (and I am not just talking about money here). Don't forget to count your blessings as well. x
Rather than beat ourselves up for our mistakes in the past we should learn to let them go as they are taking up too much precious time. What is done is done. It is what it is. Acceptance of this takes time to master but it is important for the survival of the fittest, us, to do this in order to rebuild a far more productive life for ourselves.
By dwelling about things past, deters any kind of future opportunities as we are simply blocking the flow to a better life. Release the burdens and let go .. Then you will have oodles of space to enjoy, laugh, and embrace true felt happiness .. It will come to you in abundance .. There is no way you can change what has happened .. Its gone .. Goldfish_ but you can change the way you think about it ..
Us women, well we are fairly hardy creatures .. One of our designs is to nurture and keep the brood afloat and with that comes resilience to sustain all round stability and keep going.
Dwelling on negative experiences in the past also reinforces also nerve pathways in the brain. That spring to life and jump about energetically at the merest wiff of familiarity. There is research to support to theory that mental health can be helped by reviewing good things that have happened just before sleep. Feed those positive pathways.
Not easy but gets easier with practice.
Just think of a field pathway that is used by animals and people. Used regualy the rut becomes deeper more prominent. Unlike memories most paths lead to good places. And are easy to get deviate from.
Happy wandering guys.
I realise that and that's what worries me as I seem to have become hardwired to pursue matters relating to my past problems. The legal solution I'm embroiled in may take 6 years!
Ar. Not sometime you can turn your back on then. Much more of a difficult job to work on mind maintenance. And keeping off the lash. Which never helps on the long term, trust me.
I forgot to say. Re reviewing the good things. That it's a bit of advice that that should be handed to you with your new born, and also should be the responsibilities of schools. We have ditched holistic care in the never ending chase of the tick boxes achievement lists. Along with the bedtime story should be a rounding up of the day in a positive way. Habits fostered in childhood can and do foster resilience. Have you read that Larkin poem about your mum and dad. So dam true.
seek humour out where you can. Life is a joke. I often think we are someone's avatar. And visualise an Alien having enormous fun. Then dozing off and forgetting about me only to wake up and start it all over again. In reality. Alothough we do have choices we do not have the control we think we do.
• in reply tonedd
Very true and very profound nedd. It's producing some great mental images in my head now... x
nedd• in reply to
Do you know if often wondered if we struggle with depression and anxiety because words do conjure mental images. perhaps an overactive imagination is part of our problems.
Words often paint pictures in my head and not always nice ones. That can haunt.
• in reply tonedd
An imagination not under control? x
Im a woman and im horrible at resilience. All i do is dwell on the past and worry about the future:/
But if you've been doing this for some years and you're still alive then you must have good resilience
Alright, Goldfish, this is how resillience works. Something beats you down, you feel awful, used up, worthless. Then slowly, at first, but then quicker, a hard metal shell forms on your torn heart & you stand up with fire in your eyes & say, "Enough!" You know you're broken, but you accept it & trudge forward. My apartnent has no water. The sewer is clogged & the landlord has been working on it for days. My knuckleheaded neighbor decided to cook at one in the morning & set off my smoke alarms. I drove past my ex bf's house to torture myself last night. I broke down & cried. I felt like a failure. I tried to start a new life with my child & I can't seem to get anywhere. But I have a fire in me now & I will make this life work. To hell with the ex bf. My neighbor better straighten up. I am resilient. I will go on. World, get out if my way!!!
Beautiful WA. Go girl x
2 years on and even worse. Convicted for asking for help when suicidal involved in very serious accident now disabled family in tatters £2m loss
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