Yay, so here's me depressed and faking it as usual. Gonna write it one day, on my Eulogy. What's the point????

[Dreamer366]

Okay, K'm goint to tell you some things about me.

I suffer from severe depression

I hide it so well. People think I'm hilarious!!!

One day, I'm going to write a post like this, and I'm going to top myself immedietly after/,,,,

Coz it's all a fake and it's all a lie. And DEpression sucks. Amd I don;t know how long I'm supposed to live like this without stepping off that platform, in front of that Express Train

Whatever

[Hidden]

Hi I have looked back on your previous posts and can't see anything about whether you have been to the doctors and sought help. Are you on any meds and/or counselling? If not I think you need to go as your depression obviously isn't going away on it's own.

Even if you are having treatment it sounds like you are having suicidal thoughts and that is a red flag that you shouldn't ignore. Please seek help. x

[Dreamer366 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. I'm going tomorrow but when I get there I find it really hard to say what I need to say, and I'm always aware of the time limit, and the other patients who are waiting, so I rush myself through it. I've had 3 courses of therapy over the last 21 years, which is virtually unheard of, you only supposed to have one, and as someone else on here put, you have your allocated 8 sessions, then you're 'cured'...... yeah right....

Last time I went the Doctors and he reached for the prescription pad to increase my meds, I asked him if instead of prescribing me more tablets, would he prescribe me his time, or therapy, kindness or practical help and support. He said he wished he could. Then he sent me home with pills. I could try talking to them, but they're far too small to hug.

Yes I can get better help. I can get myself back under the Hospital mental health team, but in order to do that I would have to go to A&E (the only way to quickly see an assessment team), they would probably admit me back to Grasmere, and after a spell in there I would probably have an allocated Support Worker again. Trouble is I have a son, who's in his last year at college, and I'm trying to hide this from him, and not let my mental health problems interfere with his education and happiness. The minute I'm admitted to hospital (AGAIN), he KNOWS it's more serious then I've been making out, and he starts thinking/worrying about ME at an age when he should just be concentrating on himself.

[BonnieSue in reply to Dreamer366]

Your medical system is really limiting the help you need. I wish I could change it for you. I suppose you're trying to hang on until your son graduates before you get the help you really need?

I'm in the US and have had the same counselor for 16 years through all kinds of needs and changes. But I have to pay out-of-pocket at this time. She's been a priceless asset. I hope you get a great counselor when you do get one. I want the very best for you so you can get well again. Take care.

[Dreamer366 in reply to BonnieSue]

Thank you.

Yes, I'm looking at financing my own Counsellor. It's just money's so tight right now. But I'm sure it would be worth every penny. I'm glad that you have a nice one that helps you.

[BonnieSue]

I agree with coughalot about you getting to see a Dr. and a counselor asap. You can even call a hotline if the appointment isn't for awhile. You may hide your depression well but you know it's there and you know you need help. You can come here for help, too, but it doesn't take the place of a Dr. or a counselor.

Reaching out is a good thing but this site isn't enough. You need medical care and medication so you can start to feel better and wake up happy that a new day has started. You really can feel that way again! That may be far from where you are now, but that shows you why you need to get medical help and not just help here at this site. I've been where you are and I get up happy every day.

When I was depressed and without medication or counseling I dreaded getting up, it was just a horrible chore, nothing to look forward to and I wanted to go back under the covers and just fall back asleep. I wanted the whole world to go away and leave me alone. The world looked black and ugly and hopeless. And no one would be able to understand how I felt so I kept it to myself. Does any of this sound familiar?

You've said you put on an outer "face" that shows everything is fine while inside you hurt and know everything is NOT fine. Please make the next step to get yourself feeling better. Do what you have to do for yourself to heal. You will not heal on your own, so there's nothing to wait for. Please do it right away.

[Dreamer366 in reply to BonnieSue]

Thank you, and yes everything you said in that paragraph sounded familiar. You could have been describing me

[Hidden]

Dear Dreamer 366,

I do understand where you are. I 'faked' it in the 'real' world of non depressed people too. Nobody knew my dark secret. I was in the corporate world then. I'm still hilarious and I'm still depressed, but no longer want to kill myself. Here's the thing.....don't put yourself in that situation. Go to the nearest ER and tell them you are suicidal. This is important. They must help you. When depressed it's hard to find a doctor, especially because you are depressed. I walked out on my corporate job, went home, lined up my medications and downed them all at once with a bottle of wine. Then....I changed my mind and called for help. I was in a coma for 2 weeks and barely survived. I'm still on meds and getting talk therapy and am in groups and it is really helping to be with other like us. We are helping each other deal with this killer. Please don't do what I did. If you need to reach someone to talk, please call 1-800-273-8255 (the National Suicide Prevention Hotline), website: suicidepreventionlifeline.org. There is hope and there is treatment. Life can get better. I'm here to tell you.

[jrcnpg]

You've done remarkably well in hiding your severe depression from others. Clinical symptoms of severe depression are being so withdrawn other people notice, lethargy, loss of appetite, shuffling when walking, unresponsive to others...the list goes on forever. Yet everyone is different and so you may well have been able to disguise your ailment for as long as you have. It is important, as others have pointed out to you, that you seek out medical help immediately. There are many medications to treat depression in all of its forms so be patient if you are given any. I was fine with mine but I do recall that my mother-in-law was prescribed medication for her depression, took the pills for three days after which she decided that they were not doing her any good. She was repeatedly told, by myself and others, that these kinds of medications require six to eight weeks to kick in and begin the healing process. She was very demanding of her GP in relation to this matter yet still she complained that they were doing her no good whatsoever. At her own insistence, she was admitted to a psychiatric unit which she became really dependent on.....three meals a day, no money worries, captive audiences (other patients!). She lasted a fortnight before her psychiatrist discharged her and she was furious. None of that may be of importance to you but it does demonstrate, I think, that there is hope and there is the chance to get back into a​ kind of life which is rewarding and which, ultimately, is quite precious. Please seek medical help as soon as you possibly can, my friend.