I really thought that I could deal with this but I cant. Woke up all positive today, but as the day has moved on, so these horrible thoughts' have returned. All my counsellor is doing is trying to trick me into believing everything will be ok. Don't she realise the damage that is happening to my sanity. Does no one care!! Cant do this Christmas crap with out my kids, just cant.


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  • Hi Lancaster, there is no point blaming Counsellor for what us yapping right now,

    Marital or relationship problems don't happen overnight and realistically they

    Are not going to be fixed overnight either. Thus is your problem and it will not

    Be sorted out so easily, the fact that your partner had 2 affairs dies not suggest

    To me that it was a great or happy relationship. You are an adult and no Counsellor

    Can assure you things will be ok. You may have to face the fact that the relationship

    Is finished, no one knows and it's early days.

    Why not make a point of visiting a Solicitor after Xmas and getting access to your

    Children sorted out, legally you have a right to see your children, but without legal

    Help it won't happen. I feel if you get stuff n perspective and concentrate on

    Getting legal help to get to see your children.Then you will feel you are being proactive and this alone will give you a feeling of control, rather than being a victim. This to me would be my first step, try and

    Take the emotion out if it. If your partner sees you are looking for access she

    Might change her tune, but start also trying to build back your own life, then

    If the relationship doesn't het back together, you will have started your own

    Life. Emotion will not help you now, but actions will, so please get legal advice,

    I'm surprised you didn't do this.

    Lancaster I am saying all this as someone who has been through a divorce ,

    Thirty years ago, I could write a book n the Do's and Donts. I wish someone

    Would have sat me down and given me some sensible advice, but no I too

    Was all alone and I just had to suck it up and get on with it,


  • Some people are stronger than others Hannah. Thanks for the advice

  • Hi Lancaster we will all be here for you, so your not alone, I know

    Xmas magnifies all emotions both good and bad, so just take it day by day.


  • Thanks Hannah, its only a card, but to me it means the world, I just the wife is trying to get them to forget me!!

  • Hello Lancaster

    All I can really suggest right now is that you talk to a Solicitor, and get access granted for to see your children. You could also take advise on a full separation between you and your Wife. You could use the reason of Her infidelity. That may bring about a period where you can talk things out.

    That is all I can suggest, if I remember you had money problems and I do not know if the thing you did with regard the the money you were left caused you to say the money you had been left was more than it was as you were worried because of Her Affairs that She was going too leave you.

    It would seem that nothing you say or think will compensate not seeing your Children over the Christmas, New Year period



  • I don't want to bring the affairs into the divorce if there is one because her 2 eldest kids don't know about one of the affairs, and if they ever found out it would destroy there relationship with there mum, and I don't want to be the cause of that. You know bob, I didn't even get a xmas card from my little ones. she couldn't even do that for me and she knows a card means more to me than anything. I know its only a card, but I haven't seen or spoken to my kids since the beginning of October. Tonight is really pushing me over the edge. I really cant deal with this.

  • Dont do anything rash...keeping calm and getting over Christmas is the best thing for everyone and when the new year is here you can start to make some positive plans to see the children..but you will be ok

    Its early days im sure your wife just wants Christmas out of the way and is trying to make the best of it for the children and then perhaps you can both chat

  • Hi mandy, I don't think that is the case at all. Ive just got back from seeing my son from my previous relationship and he pop in to see the kids and the wife didn't even have the decency of getting me a Christmas card from the kids. I know its only a card, but I haven't seen or spoken to my kids since oct 3rd. This has really crippled me. Ive done everything by the book, not texted, emailed or called now for 5 weeks and she couldn't even get me a card. I wasn't expecting one from her, but I was from the kids. this has destroyed me now. totally destroyed me, and like a soppy twat I even broke down in front of my son.

  • Lancaster your Wife could have Her own axe to grind it is so difficult to actually say what is really going on in Her mind.

    It is the season of Goodwill and a New Year starts in just over the week.

    I do not know where you actually are, all I know is that I live where the New Year always has more meaning here and we try and sort things as the old year leaves us. With a bit of luck things should sort themselves out in the first weeks of 2016

    We are always around to give support when needed

    Keep a hold


  • Look we can only give you advice and support on the small amount of information that you have bravely shared on here but there are 3 sides to a story ,, your side , her side and then the truth...you have 17 years of past and i would put my life on it that the money situation has just been the straw that broke the camels back....Dont expect anything from your wife right now you have to concentrate on getting through each day and making a plan for when xmas is over ...what you did was wrong but nobody deserves to be left with their life dangling like this and you are going to have to be the one to take action on that soon

    You havnt killed anyone so lift your head up ...

    The prevention of harassment letter should state your recommendations and if it states no contact with your wife then that means literally what it says...you can not contact her in any way even by sending her a message via your son so i would check the conditions on that because you could get arrested and that would be awful for all of you

    The fact that you have that also means she would have to agree to some sort of contact through a solicitor or via a mediator at the solicitors whether she likes it or not...Solicitors have changed a lot over the years and offer much more that just court proceedings but the fact she has this order out should in theory make it easier for you to see them but it may be through an access center but you are legally entitled to see your children and no court would stop that unless they are at risk by seeing you..

    Your counsellor SHOULD NOT have been telling you to send letters to your wife knowing this

  • Thanks Mandy, we are only talking about Christmas cards. The letter from the police stated that she complained about the text messages. How can giving my kids Christmas cards be Harassment, especially when she knew that I would be giving them 2 weeks ago.

    Its in the hands of my solicitor now.

  • Even if she asked you to send cards you cant.....if it says no contact it means that literally ...sadly i know this because my brother went through it with his wife who he was married to for 20 years and had 6 children with... he ended up in prison for 6 weeks so please find out what the conditions are

  • ok mandy, thanks xx

  • I dont know if your aware of this but when you put a post up if you dont click onto send it to the community option it can be read by anyone away from this forum ...its there for anyone to see online so if you want to keep it private use the community button x

  • Thanks Bob

  • Hi Lancaster I feel for you I really do but unfortunately there is no magic wand to make everything all right again. I agree with Hannah, no counsellor can tell you everything will be ok and they wouldn't anyway. You have learned a great deal about yourself and why your marriage broke up and how your wife must have felt and this knowledge will never be wasted no matter what happens in the future.

    Make plans for the New Year to get access to your children as this is your right. Turn your thoughts to this instead which will help you feel more in control, rather than the negative emotions you are feeling right now. Turn your pain and anger into doing something which makes you feel better and to have hope for the future.

    Send your kids cards and Christmas presents so at least you have done your best, and if your wife doesn't give them to them you have still done the right thing. Damage limitation is all you can do right now.

    I and others will be in here Christmas Day at some point so we can be there for each other. x

  • That is really nice thank you. Just to top it off though, I have just spoken to my eldest and he has said that my wife said she could call the police and have me for harassment for giving my eldest son the xmas cards to drop round tonight. I was served about 5 weeks ago with a " Prevention of Harassment Letter" by the police because of the numerous texts I sent at the beginning of our split. I have stuck with the police recommendation and have not been in touch with her since I got the letter from the police. Am I really breaking this Harassment letter thingy by giving them xmas cards. Now im panicking in case the police coming knocking again.

    I cant do right by doing wrong, jesus.!!

    Am I really breaking the law by giving my kids a card?

  • Hi it sounds like it could be. In this case don't send anything as you don't want to end up on the wrong side of the law. Get your kids cards and pressies though and keep them for when you gain access. Your kids will then know you have been thinking of them at least.

    What a dreadful situation for you all and I am really sorry. x

  • My son has already taken them over. He said that she said she wouldn't tell the police, but Christ, how can that be illegal. This whole situation is really getting me down.

  • Hi I agree with CA2 - a horrible situation and I do feel so sorry for you. As has been said keep the cards and gifts and when you DO eventually see them they will know you really wanted to but couldn't. I wish you happier times for 2016. Xx

  • My eldest has already taken the cards over for me but the wife said she will give them to them after Christmas as she doesn't want to upset them. I can fully appreciate that and I have no problems with it, but why is she saying that I am still harassing her when she knew 2 weeks ago that I was sending them over. I'm not a nasty bloke poppy, and I have never hit her or been abusive in any way shape or form, but she is really pushing me over the edge and mentally I don't think I can take it. If I had been unfaithfull or beat her up or anything of that nature then I can understand her grief, but I haven't. It was a stupid foolish lie that got push out of control. I don't deserve this crap. I really don't.

    By the way, I love your name. My granddaughters name is poppy, 18 months old and I haven't seen her since October either. :-(

  • It must be heartbreaking to not see your children and I can totally understand. I wish I could say something more to help you. It looks like it's just a waiting game for you at the moment. You have a right to see your children and you must put the wheels in motion for that in the new year.

    As for my name - thank you. Poppy is a special flower to me for what it symbolises. My real name is Jo short for Joanne. x

  • whoops, sorry jo, My granddaughter was named after the flower as its my daughters fav flower.

    Thanks again and sorry for assuming xx

  • No probs. You're not know.xx

  • Hi Jo xx

  • Have a wee think. Why would a Councillor want to trick you into feeling everything is OK? If you did end up beleiving everything was OK wouldn't that be a good thing ? For you to feel better.

    I'm sorry you are feeling like this but I hope you will take a step back and realise that there would be nothing in it for a Councillor to trick you. If you can focus on the main thing which is how you can feel better not if people are out to deceive you. Take care


  • Hi. I feel for u. I don't see 2 of my 11 kids - poisoned against me by my ex. Maybe you could keep a box and put cards and lighthearted letters in to keep for when you do get to see your kids? Your wife had issued the order because she can't deal with the whole situation - not just that she can't deal with you. She needs to gain strength to move forward with a life she didn't expect to have before she can add dealing with you personally. She will be taking time to decide which is the best way to go I would imagine. You need to gain emotional strength too to move forward. Don't break the order and be seen to be adhering to her wishes. She needs some control over the situation. I don't know how old your kids are but they will want to see you at some point. They will be hurting too remember. Regards Ronnie

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